Return of the Monster

the nail-biting monster is back and more ferocious than ever. for the past 2 months the nails on my fingers have been thriving oh-so-wonderfully. and then out of nowhere, the monster decides to pay my poor nails a visit. now my fingers are bare of nails, forlorn and lost without it's crown. none of which is my fault, i refuse to take responsibility for actions not mine. perhaps it's some sub-conscious part of me that triggers this monster's attack. perhaps. but for now, i have to guard my fingers with a gusto. now where's that bottle of nail-biting monster repellant....

What Do You Call the -logue After It's Ended?

13 months an elaborate affair. short of a relationship, but running complications like balls of tangled string. memories flood and images run in a flurry like the wind chasing clouds. but it wasn't all a mess. it was a good run. like my hair blowing in the wind. superstitious to a point, maybe a black cat crossed my path mid-way. i broke a mirror, walked underneath a ladder. what else did i do and still not realise the omens flashing in my face like a hazard light?

Blank Stares.

(this should've been posted on friday. but, yeah. it's here now innit?)

***

First day accomplished. Second day breezed. Apparently I’m not required to attend Preservation class, which leaves me with Wednesdays free after 10am and Thursdays absolutely free. That’s awesome except, I’ve class early Friday morning. Yes, this one I’m sitting at right now. Dang it. Somehow I think my schedule’s a bit messy. It leaves me with a lot of idle time. And what am I to do with all that time? Town’s like aeon minutes away, through a jungle of rubber and oil palm tree plantations. The problem is, the only way there is by the consolidated yellow school buses (haha, yea. Laugh because it’s funny). The buses don’t leave until the driver thinks he has sufficiently filled up his bus and is worth the fuel and effort to navigate through windy roads. Cars for rent are expensive. RM6 for an hour? That excludes fuel, mind you. Besides, I’m crap at driving manuals and I do not want to end up in a ditch with a stray babi hutan. The good news is that KL is only 3 hours away. *grin* HOME SWEET HOME! *ehem* Roight.

I’ve been terribly homesick since I got here. With the only consolation of Bobby’s 2 hour phone calls, and various text messages from beloved people. I need to personalize my room. Make it homier. As it is, I’ve tonnes of food to last till next week. My table laden with books to keep me occupied and of course, the ever loyal rhyme book. But since I’ve been here, I haven’t had any inkling of inspiration to write. It’s as if I’m lost. I can’t find my way around this place, and I can’t find my way around my head. The library has always been a personal sanctuary. Yes yes, call me nerdy geeky, whatever. But I like libraries for the fact that it gives me quiet and people are expected to not bother you and give you quiet. However, the library here is akin to being in a marketplace. Even bookshops are quieter than this library here. Plus, it’s always infested with a lot of people. I mean, a LOT. It’s packed. It’s noisy. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not a library! It’s a chicken coop! Gaaah.

Internet’s not really a problem. Not really. Access is available, there’s an internet café on the ground floor of my college block. Not exactly my standard of speeds, but better than nothing I suppose. Obviously. How else am I posting this, right? Other than that I guess I can live. Until my first trip back home for the weekend, one week down, a gazillion more to go. *sigh*

Lots of love, loved ones.

Click. Vroom. Whirr.

I, have a new toy. *delirious laughter*
meet Ken, the juicer machine. Ken makes juices. *slurrp* ahhhh. yum.
well the said electrical appliance is not exactly brand new, but let's just say...it's only recently been unleashed from it's packaging. *grin*
now my fruit diet can really be in motion.
"Better Slim Than Dead" <--- repeat mantra three times daily before meals.

then have a healthy meal of rice and sambal goreng tempe and ikan bilis. *urrb*
tee-hee.

i'm not feeling particularly articulate today. thank you.

(something smells good...like, Dior Addict 2)

i love youuuu-hooooo! ;)
i do, but she's gotta go or i'll be on the verge of scratching her face-less and slashing her not-so-pretty head off her bony shoulders.

Sejuk Bodoh.

the air conditioning has to be switched on, so Mikey won't overheat so much and suddenly decide to turn itself off.
so while i'm freezing, even beneath covers, Mikey gets pampered. all cool and breezey.
what a brat my laptop is. grrr.
well but then i can't say it isn't entirely my fault. i manja him too much. first the external fan, then that doesn't work so i give him the mother of all coolers. i should try if Mikey likes being put in a fridge. i should also not say all this about him while i'm actually typing on him. heh.

anyways. anyhoos.

i don't like the cold. i don't like being cold.
someone throw me a Bobby. =) brrr.

Adoi. My Kepala Lutut.

apparently, i have the ability to trip, even within the confines of my house and without wearing shoes.

brilliant! *kaching*

i have jelly beans for toes. peanut-butter flavoured. wanna taste my feet?
*chuckles*

hey, that super hot toy is about to get Pash-ed.
he's been forwarned. now i'ma lay it down.

i'm looking forward to:
1. the KLG boys' album droppin'
2. the CLV boys' single spinnin'

all of this, soon.

i'm psyched! i'm psyched! *jiggle*

In Loving Memory

i am in grieve. the loss of dearest tommy has left a scar.
*sob*sob*

i have to move on now. with mikey. he is not tommy, admittedly although he resides in tommy's old body. the spirit of tommy will haunt mikey and me. mikey will forever now live in the shadow of tommy and be the victim of constant comparisons to the late tommy.

but i hope mikey will be strong and prove his might. at least, prove himself worth of tommy's departure.

dear tommy, i love you. i shall miss you, and all of my memories that you have taken with you. believe me, nothing will ever come close to you. you hold that spot.

Tommy, Dell Inspiron 5150, July 2004 - 4 October 2006.

Keroncong Bunyi Perutku

i'm too hungry to think, to write of anything.
but in this hunger, i can only think of one person dear to me, whom i've quite recently neglected. what has happened? what brought us apart? what pulled us in total opposite directions?

answers to these question may strengthen our fragile friendship.

spaces in between people tend to grow.
then it becomes vacuum.
memories of the past, and visions of the future, exist within that vacuum. the present non-existent.

let's talk about changes, and differences.
of old friendships, and newly built relationships.
why people change the way they do, and if that change is good or not so.
if sometimes you have to take a step back and retrace the past.
to be who you were, or to be who you are?
or, to be who you will be?

let's all grow together.

to girlfriend, i love you. you're my bitch.
yes, u may think i have changed, but my name is still the same.
that means, i'm still here.

Oggle Ogle Ooo.

i just noticed. the past posts were very 'unhappy'. i should have a more cheerful take on things, don't you think? *happy*happy*

when spirits are high, i'll write happy. but for now, Happy Ramadhan everyone.

(i have no Ramadhan resolutions, except to lose weight.)

The Gawking Gap

it's time to let go. so let's go. *sigh*
this won't be easy. but i've to learn and gain courage, even if it means digging into the deepest pits of my gut and barfing it all out. the keyword here: LET GO

let time do the turning. let it do what it does best: make you forget. because it's the best possible way, the best possible move to make. a tough decision, but one that i can't whine about and i've to stop being a baby and just take it face-on.

to you, i'm doing this for myself. because you never do anything for me. so i've to take the lead and start doing this for the person that matters most: ME. thank you for everything that you've done, and for everything you've not done. it works both ways to show me what i am, and also what i'm not. i've realised that i can avoid being stupid. instead of being stupid, realising it but still being stupid. i'm not going to let you make me feel stupid. this time, let you be the one to feel like an idiot. because i've had enough of it. you'll not understand why i feel this way, why i'm suddenly bitter and resentful. but if you do understand, then i won't have to deal with this and we could be what i wanted us to be. unfortunately, and apparently from all your actions that you've shown, we want different things. and these things which are different, they'll tear us further apart than we already are. i can't say i hate you because i don't. but sometimes i do. i don't know. you've made me a person that's confused and irrate. the things i do that i should not be doing, but for you. it's taken a lot for me to come to this decision, here and now. it's not on a whim. it's something i've been sleeping on for days. i just kept quiet about it. because i felt i still needed something to hold on to. but i can't keep doing this. i can't keep being weak and holding on to something that's not strong for me to be strong. it's over. i'm done with all this bullshit and bollocks. i'm letting go. goodbye.

we shall be friends. but just that. friends.
and friends don't do things that we used to do. no more of those.


HELLO BREATH OF FRESH AIR! i needed you. *breathe*

hello hot fudge. it's good to hear from you again. *smiles*

A Clear View

looking through the glass, i wonder if what he sees is me. *squints*
but through the glass, some images get distorted. will it be?

looking through the glass, he sees me. just me.
underneath all the layers of pretense and cover-ups.
he's got that night-vision thing, he sees through the dark and cloudy.
he reads me like a book. better still, like a user's manual.
but like every user, sometimes you just keep pressing the wrong buttons even when you know it's not going to work.
he's the sweetest thing ever.
so understanding, yet never unreasonably obliging.
always giving, yet demands attention at the same time.
my Prozac. my anti-depressant.


bila jalan ini temui persimpangan
arah mana akan kau tujui?
kalau di satu ujung ada suatu yang mendesak
yang menolak-narik kau
yang memaksa-maksa kau
namun
kalau di satu ujung lagi ada cita-cita kau
yang kau inginkan
yang hati kau impikan
apa kah akan jadi satu taruhan?
maka kau harus tau
hati aku takkan berpaling
ketika saat kau mengambil langkah
kiri, kanan.
arah mana yang kau tuju itu
aku akan berada di ujung satu penjuru
melihat kau
kira arah yang kau ambil itu jadi penentu
antara kepentingan kau dan harapan aku
antara kehendak kau dan kemahuan aku
terpulang.
persimpangan itu adalah pilihan
kalau jalan itu jalan yang kau mahu
setapak yang kau ambil
adalah setiap nafas dan degupan jantung
hingga akhirnya di ujung jalan itu
kau bertemu aku.

Hati. oleh Aku.

kalaupun aku bisa memilih
aku takkan merubah
kalau merubah itu maksudnya memaksa

kalaupun aku bisa
aku tak mahu
kalau itu menyakitkan

sebenarnya apa
yang diucap itu kalau hanya kata
yang dirasa itu kalau hanya perasaan

apa itu niat
kalau kita hendak mencuba
namun akhirnya dengan derita

hati aku tak bisa kuat
hati aku tak bisa bertopeng
kalau lelah dan penat aku itu hati yang merasa

kalau hati tak bisa diubah
kalau hati itu sudah hancur
akan kah keping keping hati itu kau cantum kembali

ternyata kalau hati aku itu hanya cebisan
dibandingkan kuatnya hati kau
yang kuat itu telah robek

dan cebis hati aku masih berpaut teguh
kalau yang hati kuat kau bisa aku dapat.

If. Just If.

"hey boy what's your name again
coz i been watchin you while you playin your game
i think i've met you before, it must be that sexy grin
why don't you come on over here and let a conversation begin..."

from the top of my head. i had those lines floating around, i just had to grab em and put em down. anyway, ten or so days from my last post and what has been buzzin..? apparently, nothing much. but i'm feeling like a monologue. or a "one-person conversation". i wanna talk ah. but i don't know who i should talk to. let's see if i can decide this right here.

***

shit. i've been listening to sad soppy r&b ballads. like it's not a bad thing okay, but i'm actually listening to every friggin syllable of it! hello? am i just bored or am i just plain sad. ick. and i've been playing it on repeat. i'm definitely cracked.

***

i can't think ah. things have been pretty crazy lately. like suddenly there're new people taking place in my life. and i've to get used to it. i've to get used to all these new people and i've to learn to accept the fact that all these people exist although not directly involved in my life but somehow intertwined and interconnected with all the other people in my life. sometimes i don't like it. but i don't really have much of a choice. grrr~
so i'm selfish. and i hate sharing with other people when it's really unnecessary to. why can't i be selfish without people telling me i'm being unreasonable? why? why is it so wrong for me to want what i want, and i want it all to myself, for myself. and everybody else can go look for second best. fuck off! like, seriously. F U C K bloody O F F !!

***

i want you. yes, i want YOU! and i hate knowing the fact that you may have so many other people who have you as part of their lives. yes, i am bloody effing selfish and it's going to kill me. what i'd like to do now is to screw those airhead Barbie dolls' heads off their plastic shoulders and throw them into a river! i am mad! i'm mad! i'm MAD!!!! i'm mad with myself for being so stupid! ugh, GOD! can i be any more disgusted with me than i already am.

***

i'm just mad because i don't have you and not having you kills me. the fact that you are not exclusively mine makes me bitter and angry. the fact that i don't know how to make you mine shows some part of weakness in me and i hate knowing that i'm weak. the fact that you might be in love with someone that isn't me scares me the most. i swear i miss you.

Q&A thing.

[ NOW ]
Current mood: lazy.
Current music: FO'3
Current taste: peanut butter and jam.
Current hair: red. but my roots are growing out already. blah.
Current clothes: i'm still in my pajamas. =D
Current annoyance: excessive sebum and zits.
Current smell: my pillow. well, it smells of me.
Current thing I should be doing: cleaning up my room. and laundry.
Current windows open: what, my room windows? none are open. the airconditioning is on.
Current desktop picture: russel with his ear and scalp bleeding.
Current favorite band: ashraf's Sakti!!
Current book: none. havent been reading in a long while.
Current cd in stereo: stereo's defunct.
Current crush: ouh. uhh. well....it constantly changes. but i've probably got like 7 of 'em. so...yeah.
Current favorite celeb: i don't idolise celebrities. hm.

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: occasionally. who would pass up free fags.
Do drugs?: ah. no. *grins
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: dreams? pfft. i wish my ex boyfriend would come back. lol.
Remember your first love?: yes. and i also know his current gf.
Still love him/her?: oh with all the other ex-boyfriends and the 7 crushes...he's pretty much forgotten.
Read the newspaper?: yes, of course. i NEED to know about Gusmao's resignation.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes. the world is full of beautiful, albeit sexually unconventional, people.
Believe in miracles?: yes. there's Noah, Moses, Jesus, Mohamed..
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: possible. but never done. i mean, who really puts it all that effort?
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: considerably tolerant, there's a limit as to one's level of patience.
Consider love a mistake?: oh craps. get me all poetic and wax lyrical about love being pure and true. bullshit.
Like the taste of alcohol?: well u can't say it's the sweetest of all potions. but definitely potent.
Have a favorite candy?: ouh yes. those that come in different colours, shapes and sizes.
Believe in astrology?: i dont believe in it entirely, but it's amusing how they actually sometimes really do foresee things. but u hafta read it at the end of the day.
Believe in magic?: YES! Harry Potter!
Believe in god?: i believe in his presence.
Have any pets: quite a few. they dont actually have to be furry animals, do they? i mean, cute would be sufficient?
Go to or plan to go to college: suffocating, finishing my third year.
Have any piercings?: yes. hence, my obsession for dangly things i can hook on my ears.
Have any tattoos?: no. not....yet? =D
Hate yourself: i dont. i'm absolutely self-appreciative, self-indulgent, self-possessed, self-occupied...
Have an obsession?: shoes. i recently nicked a pair of my aunt's Sergio Rossi's.
Have a secret crush?: didn't i mention 7 earlier? oh. you mean 'secret' crush. maybe another 7.
Have a best friend?: best? as in the ultimate one right at the top of my list? you hafta be kidding me. people who only have ONE 'best' friend must be seclusive.
Wish on stars?: why do i wish on fiery balls of gas? they twinkle? roightttt...

[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: oof. ouch that hurts!
Do you believe in love at first sight?: life aint fairy tales honey. i believe in lust at first sight.
Do you believe in "the one?": "the one" what? "the one" i would shag? "the one" i would marry? "the one" i would lick his balls?? what???!!
Describe your ideal significant other: well he gotta be significant, for starters. then he gotta be fulfilling for a main course. and sinfully delightful for dessert.

[ETC]
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: well there's strip poker...and strip blackjack. and all other stripping drinking games.
Have you ever been intoxicated?: and u mean that by what? or whom?
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": i think so. i can't remember. i prolly have, but maybe...wait a minute. I HAVE!!
Are you a tease?: no. i'm clown. haha. i'm serious person, really.
Shy to make the first move?: normally yes. but under certain circumstances, my inhibitions seem to take a back seat. it enjoys the ride too!

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: a pair of shoes, and a bag. oh. a 'thank you' card.
Ate & Drank: soda & toast. croissants. and a piece of popiah.
Read: yesterday's paper.
Watched on TV: i only glanced at the TV, it was on Oprah.

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: beeeeeerrr. cider taste weird.
drinks or shots: ooo do i hafta choose?
cats or dogs: cats. dogs. eww.
single or taken: single. thank you for asking.
pen or pencil: pen for signatures. pencils for sticking it up annoying people's butts.
gloves or mittens: gloves. lacy ones. hahahha.
food or candy: food is candy. candy is good.
cassette or cd: live shows. like, right in your face, sweaty singing hotties.
coke or pepsi: pepsi is for losers.

[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: i dont really have those kind of urges. i'd kill a cicak though.
get really wasted with: i dont want to. it's not the best of things to do with anyone, for that matter.
look like: ME! well. the prettier me. she's hot. you didn't know?
avoid: annoying people in awkward situations.

[ LAST PERSON YOU.. ]
saw: my mom and daddy.
talked to on the phone: bobby. we didnt really talk. it was more like a 'good night' phonecall.
hugged: my gramma.
messaged: auin. come at eight for the BBQ!
kissed: oh. um. hmm. heh.

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: u mean, have i ever drank perfumes right?
Done drugs?: nah. stayed clean of those.
Broken the law?: federal law? i dont think so.
Run away from home?: noooooooooo.
Broken a bone?: fractured my wrist. yea.
Played Truth Or Dare?: when i was 12. yes.
Kissed someone you didn't know?: yes. tee-hee.
Been in a fight?: when i was 15. bitch fight.
Come close to dying?: i wouldnt be one to judge.

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: messy. really. like really messy.
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: i dont eat breakfast.
Your favorite restaurant?: Khulafa Bistro. hahha. okay okay. Italiannies. and TGI Friday's.
What's on your bedside table?: hm. couple of trophies. a candle stand. my blonde bible. a food container. some files. and a whole lot of junk.
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: cream crackers with condensed milk.
What is your biggest fear?: death. and my mom. hahah!
Describe your bed: exactly how my room is like. messy. with piles of clothes on it. three pillows, and my covers all bundled up.
Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous. like a pop-quiz.
Do you know how to play poker?: poker, chowtaiti. wtv. yeah.
What do you carry with you at all times?: my ass. and brains.
How do you drive?: cautiously at roundabouts. wreckless everywhere else.
What do you miss most about being little?: those little frilly dresses and lacy socks.
Are you happy with your given name?: i used to hate it. but i guess it's alright now.
What color is your bedroom?: fern green. eww.
Have you ever been in a play?: what kinda play? hehehe. err. yes, stage plays. when i was 15 and in high school.
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you: up to a point, they do.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: no. i'm not. okay well. i am. a little bit.


>taken off myspace. goes to show how bored i am. Pash.

Quantum Physics.

hold on. my math fails me. i shall get this written. soon. a bit of a whirlwind going on up in the brain area.

Signatures.

we love the people who mean most to us.
we love the people dearest to us.

and how these people end up being so meaningful and dear to us is something no one, and nothing can ever describe in full detail.
nggak ada kata yang bisa ungkapin suatu perasaan atau bagaimana hubungan seseorang itu sama orang lain bisa jadi sesuatu yang amat bermakna lagi butuh dalam hidupnya.

it just happens. even overnight.

that night when 5 girls got together and somehow, it sealed a 'sisterhood' between us.
a night that started out as just us sleeping over for the weekend, because we had a tournament to go to, turned out to be the beginning of a bond that promises to tie us together for as long as we need each other.

we talked about endless things. yeah, normal girl talk and all that. but somewhere in between, we poured out secrets, consoled each other, laughed and poked fun at each other. not to mention grabbing bags of junk food and stuffing ourselves with all that fat. eew. hahaha.

you know, when you have people around you just at their most relaxed selves, in pyjamas, munching grubs, hair up in messy ponytails, sleepy swollen eyes, and ending up sleeping on top of each other...you know you got the best of it right there.

*carves "intan, khairun, mawar, alya." oh. and "pash."*
sisterhood, June 24 2006

Setitik Atau Sebelanga

i've lost touch with writing. forgive me but these hands do sin. lol. i told you i'm lost. or i've lost it. either way, same difference.

"to celebrate a birthday is to celebrate a year closer to the day you die."

it's eeriely logical. a pessimistic view, but it makes perfect sense. prove me otherwise and i'll start celebrating everyday of my life. because, everyday is a day closer to death.

"if you knew you were going to die at 55. would u be happy to celebrate your birthday every year, knowing that you're only a year less from your death?"

still eerie. still it makes sense.

"blowing out candles on your birthday cake is symbolic to blowing out your life."

imagine blowing out 20 candles. 20 down, 35 more to go?
i'm freaking you out aren't i? i'm freaking myself out.

although some may say what a negative view to have on adding on a year to your age, but it's not entirely ridiculous to put it in that light. to see it a different way from how people normally see it. true, you may say that a year older is a year wiser. but, does being a year older push your destiny further?
it's simple logic. you take a step forward, you get closer to your destination. birthdays are like a step forward. death is the final destination for every life form.

you wanna do the math? i suggest not.
if you're fine, happy and dandy...then enjoy life.
if you're me, chances are you're gonna think of things like this.


>Pash

Keping-kepingan

i have a beautiful tan, but a scar on my left arm. the result of bumping into the hotel closet drawers because danial fell on me. gah.
i totally love my skin colour as it is now. sangat toffee caramel!

******

mungkinkah kalau perasan benci itu walaupun sudah bertahun lenyap akan wujud kembali?
bukan benci saja, tapi perasaan cemburu yang amat. tapi hanya kerana diingatkan kembali tentang memori lampau.
ah! aku paling tak suka kalau perasaan dikawal oleh perkara remeh begini.
bodoh kali ku rasakan. biarkan aja. masa aku akan tiba juga.

******

things might brighten up for me soon.
i've opportunities knocking at my door that i never would've thought of.
i've dreamt of it, maybe. tapi cuma angan-angan belaka. tak sangka pula hampir akan jadi kenyataan.
maka aku ingin katakan disini, tak salah andai bercita-cita, atau memimpikan impian kita.
who knows, it might come true...or you might stumble upon a chance to fufill that dream.
enak kali rasanya. nikmat dalam jiwa ini yang aku rasakan nggak bisa aku ngucapin dengan kata-kata.

******

i think at this point of my life, i'm slipping in and out of euphoria and a little bit of sadness. there's just too much on my mind. of this and that, and what nots. things that i shouldn't actually be worrying about, plus things that i ought to worry about. it's pretty stressful.

rollercoaster

i love the theme park rides, but not the metaphorical equivalent of violent jerks and sudden movements from ups to downs, that most would swear can cause a cardiac arrest 3 times over.
i just hate being in a position where i'm unsure of things. in a position where i'm at liberty of another's actions, where i'm vulnerable and fragile. and at this point, i think i am being put in that position. although unintentionally, it still does the damage.
can't i have a certain answer, yes. no. what?? but wait, this has been addressed in one of my previous posts. so you see, it's a problem that reoccurs. and one that i've yet to come up with a solution to.
funnily enough, it's a problem i go through quite often actually. *sigh
maybe it's just me. it must be me.

******

apa chances gwe untuk ke Australs dan Worlds tahun ini?
nyerah aja pada Tuhan deh. biar Dia yang tentukan.
usaha gwe kalau dihitung nggak pernah akan cukup.
jadi gwe menyerah aja.

>Pash.

Gwe Pengen...

dimana ya...cowok itu...?
atau siapa aja...
ku pikirkan kalau cowok itu nggak mungkin akan jadi milik gwe..

gwe pengen ke Bangkok.

Pantai, Laut, dan Pasir

i just got back from langkawi.
i should start writing, i know.
but really, there's just too much that happened within the span of ten days for me to gather and space out in words and punctuations.
give me a while. at least until i finish the stocks of chocolate and i can really get down to the nitty gritty of the trip.
have mercy on me. my system functions are still numb and running under substance influences.