Sunday, September 24, 2006

Oggle Ogle Ooo.

i just noticed. the past posts were very 'unhappy'. i should have a more cheerful take on things, don't you think? *happy*happy*

when spirits are high, i'll write happy. but for now, Happy Ramadhan everyone.

(i have no Ramadhan resolutions, except to lose weight.)

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Gawking Gap

it's time to let go. so let's go. *sigh*
this won't be easy. but i've to learn and gain courage, even if it means digging into the deepest pits of my gut and barfing it all out. the keyword here: LET GO

let time do the turning. let it do what it does best: make you forget. because it's the best possible way, the best possible move to make. a tough decision, but one that i can't whine about and i've to stop being a baby and just take it face-on.

to you, i'm doing this for myself. because you never do anything for me. so i've to take the lead and start doing this for the person that matters most: ME. thank you for everything that you've done, and for everything you've not done. it works both ways to show me what i am, and also what i'm not. i've realised that i can avoid being stupid. instead of being stupid, realising it but still being stupid. i'm not going to let you make me feel stupid. this time, let you be the one to feel like an idiot. because i've had enough of it. you'll not understand why i feel this way, why i'm suddenly bitter and resentful. but if you do understand, then i won't have to deal with this and we could be what i wanted us to be. unfortunately, and apparently from all your actions that you've shown, we want different things. and these things which are different, they'll tear us further apart than we already are. i can't say i hate you because i don't. but sometimes i do. i don't know. you've made me a person that's confused and irrate. the things i do that i should not be doing, but for you. it's taken a lot for me to come to this decision, here and now. it's not on a whim. it's something i've been sleeping on for days. i just kept quiet about it. because i felt i still needed something to hold on to. but i can't keep doing this. i can't keep being weak and holding on to something that's not strong for me to be strong. it's over. i'm done with all this bullshit and bollocks. i'm letting go. goodbye.

we shall be friends. but just that. friends.
and friends don't do things that we used to do. no more of those.

HELLO BREATH OF FRESH AIR! i needed you. *breathe*

hello hot fudge. it's good to hear from you again. *smiles*

Friday, September 08, 2006

A Clear View

looking through the glass, i wonder if what he sees is me. *squints*
but through the glass, some images get distorted. will it be?

looking through the glass, he sees me. just me.
underneath all the layers of pretense and cover-ups.
he's got that night-vision thing, he sees through the dark and cloudy.
he reads me like a book. better still, like a user's manual.
but like every user, sometimes you just keep pressing the wrong buttons even when you know it's not going to work.
he's the sweetest thing ever.
so understanding, yet never unreasonably obliging.
always giving, yet demands attention at the same time.
my Prozac. my anti-depressant.

bila jalan ini temui persimpangan
arah mana akan kau tujui?
kalau di satu ujung ada suatu yang mendesak
yang menolak-narik kau
yang memaksa-maksa kau
kalau di satu ujung lagi ada cita-cita kau
yang kau inginkan
yang hati kau impikan
apa kah akan jadi satu taruhan?
maka kau harus tau
hati aku takkan berpaling
ketika saat kau mengambil langkah
kiri, kanan.
arah mana yang kau tuju itu
aku akan berada di ujung satu penjuru
melihat kau
kira arah yang kau ambil itu jadi penentu
antara kepentingan kau dan harapan aku
antara kehendak kau dan kemahuan aku
persimpangan itu adalah pilihan
kalau jalan itu jalan yang kau mahu
setapak yang kau ambil
adalah setiap nafas dan degupan jantung
hingga akhirnya di ujung jalan itu
kau bertemu aku.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Hati. oleh Aku.

kalaupun aku bisa memilih
aku takkan merubah
kalau merubah itu maksudnya memaksa

kalaupun aku bisa
aku tak mahu
kalau itu menyakitkan

sebenarnya apa
yang diucap itu kalau hanya kata
yang dirasa itu kalau hanya perasaan

apa itu niat
kalau kita hendak mencuba
namun akhirnya dengan derita

hati aku tak bisa kuat
hati aku tak bisa bertopeng
kalau lelah dan penat aku itu hati yang merasa

kalau hati tak bisa diubah
kalau hati itu sudah hancur
akan kah keping keping hati itu kau cantum kembali

ternyata kalau hati aku itu hanya cebisan
dibandingkan kuatnya hati kau
yang kuat itu telah robek

dan cebis hati aku masih berpaut teguh
kalau yang hati kuat kau bisa aku dapat.