Sunday, July 23, 2006

If. Just If.

"hey boy what's your name again
coz i been watchin you while you playin your game
i think i've met you before, it must be that sexy grin
why don't you come on over here and let a conversation begin..."

from the top of my head. i had those lines floating around, i just had to grab em and put em down. anyway, ten or so days from my last post and what has been buzzin..? apparently, nothing much. but i'm feeling like a monologue. or a "one-person conversation". i wanna talk ah. but i don't know who i should talk to. let's see if i can decide this right here.


shit. i've been listening to sad soppy r&b ballads. like it's not a bad thing okay, but i'm actually listening to every friggin syllable of it! hello? am i just bored or am i just plain sad. ick. and i've been playing it on repeat. i'm definitely cracked.


i can't think ah. things have been pretty crazy lately. like suddenly there're new people taking place in my life. and i've to get used to it. i've to get used to all these new people and i've to learn to accept the fact that all these people exist although not directly involved in my life but somehow intertwined and interconnected with all the other people in my life. sometimes i don't like it. but i don't really have much of a choice. grrr~
so i'm selfish. and i hate sharing with other people when it's really unnecessary to. why can't i be selfish without people telling me i'm being unreasonable? why? why is it so wrong for me to want what i want, and i want it all to myself, for myself. and everybody else can go look for second best. fuck off! like, seriously. F U C K bloody O F F !!


i want you. yes, i want YOU! and i hate knowing the fact that you may have so many other people who have you as part of their lives. yes, i am bloody effing selfish and it's going to kill me. what i'd like to do now is to screw those airhead Barbie dolls' heads off their plastic shoulders and throw them into a river! i am mad! i'm mad! i'm MAD!!!! i'm mad with myself for being so stupid! ugh, GOD! can i be any more disgusted with me than i already am.


i'm just mad because i don't have you and not having you kills me. the fact that you are not exclusively mine makes me bitter and angry. the fact that i don't know how to make you mine shows some part of weakness in me and i hate knowing that i'm weak. the fact that you might be in love with someone that isn't me scares me the most. i swear i miss you.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Q&A thing.

[ NOW ]
Current mood: lazy.
Current music: FO'3
Current taste: peanut butter and jam.
Current hair: red. but my roots are growing out already. blah.
Current clothes: i'm still in my pajamas. =D
Current annoyance: excessive sebum and zits.
Current smell: my pillow. well, it smells of me.
Current thing I should be doing: cleaning up my room. and laundry.
Current windows open: what, my room windows? none are open. the airconditioning is on.
Current desktop picture: russel with his ear and scalp bleeding.
Current favorite band: ashraf's Sakti!!
Current book: none. havent been reading in a long while.
Current cd in stereo: stereo's defunct.
Current crush: ouh. uhh. constantly changes. but i've probably got like 7 of 'em. so...yeah.
Current favorite celeb: i don't idolise celebrities. hm.

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: occasionally. who would pass up free fags.
Do drugs?: ah. no. *grins
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: dreams? pfft. i wish my ex boyfriend would come back. lol.
Remember your first love?: yes. and i also know his current gf.
Still love him/her?: oh with all the other ex-boyfriends and the 7 crushes...he's pretty much forgotten.
Read the newspaper?: yes, of course. i NEED to know about Gusmao's resignation.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes. the world is full of beautiful, albeit sexually unconventional, people.
Believe in miracles?: yes. there's Noah, Moses, Jesus, Mohamed..
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: possible. but never done. i mean, who really puts it all that effort?
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: considerably tolerant, there's a limit as to one's level of patience.
Consider love a mistake?: oh craps. get me all poetic and wax lyrical about love being pure and true. bullshit.
Like the taste of alcohol?: well u can't say it's the sweetest of all potions. but definitely potent.
Have a favorite candy?: ouh yes. those that come in different colours, shapes and sizes.
Believe in astrology?: i dont believe in it entirely, but it's amusing how they actually sometimes really do foresee things. but u hafta read it at the end of the day.
Believe in magic?: YES! Harry Potter!
Believe in god?: i believe in his presence.
Have any pets: quite a few. they dont actually have to be furry animals, do they? i mean, cute would be sufficient?
Go to or plan to go to college: suffocating, finishing my third year.
Have any piercings?: yes. hence, my obsession for dangly things i can hook on my ears.
Have any tattoos?: no. not....yet? =D
Hate yourself: i dont. i'm absolutely self-appreciative, self-indulgent, self-possessed, self-occupied...
Have an obsession?: shoes. i recently nicked a pair of my aunt's Sergio Rossi's.
Have a secret crush?: didn't i mention 7 earlier? oh. you mean 'secret' crush. maybe another 7.
Have a best friend?: best? as in the ultimate one right at the top of my list? you hafta be kidding me. people who only have ONE 'best' friend must be seclusive.
Wish on stars?: why do i wish on fiery balls of gas? they twinkle? roightttt...

Ever been in love?: oof. ouch that hurts!
Do you believe in love at first sight?: life aint fairy tales honey. i believe in lust at first sight.
Do you believe in "the one?": "the one" what? "the one" i would shag? "the one" i would marry? "the one" i would lick his balls?? what???!!
Describe your ideal significant other: well he gotta be significant, for starters. then he gotta be fulfilling for a main course. and sinfully delightful for dessert.

Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: well there's strip poker...and strip blackjack. and all other stripping drinking games.
Have you ever been intoxicated?: and u mean that by what? or whom?
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": i think so. i can't remember. i prolly have, but maybe...wait a minute. I HAVE!!
Are you a tease?: no. i'm clown. haha. i'm serious person, really.
Shy to make the first move?: normally yes. but under certain circumstances, my inhibitions seem to take a back seat. it enjoys the ride too!

Bought: a pair of shoes, and a bag. oh. a 'thank you' card.
Ate & Drank: soda & toast. croissants. and a piece of popiah.
Read: yesterday's paper.
Watched on TV: i only glanced at the TV, it was on Oprah.

beer or cider: beeeeeerrr. cider taste weird.
drinks or shots: ooo do i hafta choose?
cats or dogs: cats. dogs. eww.
single or taken: single. thank you for asking.
pen or pencil: pen for signatures. pencils for sticking it up annoying people's butts.
gloves or mittens: gloves. lacy ones. hahahha.
food or candy: food is candy. candy is good.
cassette or cd: live shows. like, right in your face, sweaty singing hotties.
coke or pepsi: pepsi is for losers.

kill: i dont really have those kind of urges. i'd kill a cicak though.
get really wasted with: i dont want to. it's not the best of things to do with anyone, for that matter.
look like: ME! well. the prettier me. she's hot. you didn't know?
avoid: annoying people in awkward situations.

saw: my mom and daddy.
talked to on the phone: bobby. we didnt really talk. it was more like a 'good night' phonecall.
hugged: my gramma.
messaged: auin. come at eight for the BBQ!
kissed: oh. um. hmm. heh.

Drank alcohol?: u mean, have i ever drank perfumes right?
Done drugs?: nah. stayed clean of those.
Broken the law?: federal law? i dont think so.
Run away from home?: noooooooooo.
Broken a bone?: fractured my wrist. yea.
Played Truth Or Dare?: when i was 12. yes.
Kissed someone you didn't know?: yes. tee-hee.
Been in a fight?: when i was 15. bitch fight.
Come close to dying?: i wouldnt be one to judge.

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: messy. really. like really messy.
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: i dont eat breakfast.
Your favorite restaurant?: Khulafa Bistro. hahha. okay okay. Italiannies. and TGI Friday's.
What's on your bedside table?: hm. couple of trophies. a candle stand. my blonde bible. a food container. some files. and a whole lot of junk.
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: cream crackers with condensed milk.
What is your biggest fear?: death. and my mom. hahah!
Describe your bed: exactly how my room is like. messy. with piles of clothes on it. three pillows, and my covers all bundled up.
Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous. like a pop-quiz.
Do you know how to play poker?: poker, chowtaiti. wtv. yeah.
What do you carry with you at all times?: my ass. and brains.
How do you drive?: cautiously at roundabouts. wreckless everywhere else.
What do you miss most about being little?: those little frilly dresses and lacy socks.
Are you happy with your given name?: i used to hate it. but i guess it's alright now.
What color is your bedroom?: fern green. eww.
Have you ever been in a play?: what kinda play? hehehe. err. yes, stage plays. when i was 15 and in high school.
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you: up to a point, they do.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: no. i'm not. okay well. i am. a little bit.

>taken off myspace. goes to show how bored i am. Pash.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Quantum Physics.

hold on. my math fails me. i shall get this written. soon. a bit of a whirlwind going on up in the brain area.