burn scissors

i hate my hair. why on earth did i cut my hair?? whyyyy?? fine, so the mohawk was cool. when it was a mohawk. i loved the mohawk! but now it has grown out, and it's a mess of hair on my head and i can't make it out to look decent. i look scruffy like a furball. i should just get it cut short again right? yeah. except, now i actually want to keep my hair long and never ever ever cut it ever again. genius, pash. totally. whatthefeck.

i have ugly hair!!!! and it's all over my face. it's disturbing my face's pH balance. *scream*

and therefore, makes me ugly too. blargh.

gunshot wound

today i saw a person fall. from the high position she holds in society, the high regard people see her in, the almost always jovial and bubbly young woman she is, she became as distraught and distressed as anyone can possibly be. she fell, down 17 flights of stairs and came tumbling and crashing down, disgraceful and mortified. she cried. she cried and cried up to a point where she felt she couldn't cry anymore. not because she decided to pick herself up, but because she felt too lifeless. she couldn't move. not her hands, not her legs, not her body. all she wanted to do was to lay perfectly still and not move an inch. not even trying to breath. she contemplated attempting suicide. contemplating being the operative word. she pondered what methods would ease her of her pain the best and quickest way. she wondered if anyone will find her, and if they did, if they would care. she saw her life the past year flash in painful transitions before her. each picture a grim reminder of why she's where she is at that very moment. she never wanted to be where she was. she never was happy. the entire year, she was never once happy. only occasionally she receives messages from the people she loves and cares for. and that made her happy for only a fraction of a second that it lasted. she tried to pull through, living like an island. it seemed to work for a while. until everything caught up with her in a hurl of incidents like stones thrown to her face. now she lies broken. will she pick herself up? she always does. but will she do it this time around?


if i came to you crying, what would you do?

almost suicidal

almost, not quite.

kill me for being malay but i hate being around so many people of the same race for an extended period of time. where have all the multi-coloured skins gone?

is it their attitude? the way they talk? the way they think? the way their brains work? the people they grew up with? the people they spend much of their life with? oh crud.

i am one, and i have an indescribable loathing for people of my own race. how unpatriotic is that? but maybe it's not their fault. it's not their fault that they are the way they are. to have been born into an environment where the only people they meet and socialize with are those who tick the same check box when filling in forms.

i should be ashamed of myself. but i am not. so call me whatever.

i miss my friends. i miss school.

this place saps the juice out of me.

actually. i miss people who speak english.

dead didders

arr. hm. i received this mail in my inbox about a week ago and i've been holding off from reading that thing until i accidently clicked on that measly thing and now i'm agitated beyond the level of normal. okay fine, mild exageration. pfft~ you wanna know what the email subject was? you really do?

KNC 2007 motions

oh i almost cried. almost. i read through the list of motions that the entire Korean intervarsity debating community cracked over and i almost cried. giddammit. wanna know what they were? here, have a field day. maybe you'll feel like crying too.

Round 1: Korean Society
THW abolish the Ministry of Gender Equality & Family. (¡°Yeo-seong Bu¡±)
THBT commercial matchmaking businesses are detrimental to the Korean society.
THBT hostages should be required to pay all costs associated with their release.

Round 2: Ideologies
THBT socialism is beneficial for South America.
THBT Saudi Arabia should allow women into politics.
THBT the world should completely give up its effort to implant democracy in the Middle East.

Round 3: The Human Body
THW ban human body exhibitions.
THW harvest organs from executed prisoners regardless of consent.
THW remove custody rights of parents who deny medical treatment to their children on religious grounds.

Round 4: Universities
THW forbid political parties from having activities on university campuses.
THBT publishing university rankings does more harm than good.
THW prohibit corporate franchises from establishing branches on campus.

Round 5: Law and Justice
THW adopt a trial by jury for criminal cases.
THS direct election of Supreme Court judges.
THW hold parents responsible for the wrongdoings of juvenile delinquents under the age of 14.

Quarter-Final: Natives and Settlers
THW repeal all laws granting extra privileges for the Australian aborigines.
THBT only native languages, rather than European languages, should be the official language of African nations.
THBT governments should repeal land ownership rights of its native ethnic groups.

Semi-Final: The Third World
THBT environmental problems of the Third World are a responsibility of the First World.
THBT the First World nations should prohibit pharmaceutical corporations from conducting medical experiments on humans in Africa, regardless of consent.
THBT the British Museum should return its exhibit items to the former colonial states from which they were taken.

Final: US and the World
THBT the United States should cease supporting the Pervez Musharraf regime.
THBT the US should immediately lift all sanctions against Cuba.
THBT Spanish should be the second official language of the United States.

if you don't know how debates work, i am in no mood to explain. go google it or something.

now let me get back to almost crying. i'm devastated. *sniff

late nights

i'm afraid i'm repeating my irregular sleep patterns again. this time, it's grey's anatomy. 7 DVDs equalling to 36 episodes from season 1 and 2 of the bloody emotion-sapping, sleep-depriving, unnervingly witty (yang) and endearing (o'malley) cast. oh and the surgeries. you get to see the insides of a human body turned out and suctioned. yum. really enhances one's appetite. *sigh

i can't sleep much for the next week and a half or so. assignments aren't piling up, they're just getting on my nerves the nearer to deadline it is. suddenly this problem pops out of nowhere, suddenly this essay needs more information than we already have, suddenly someone doesn't know how to do what they're supposed to have done a week ago. you know, the most impossible things creep up on you and go 'boo!'. i'd rather be curling up in bed with a book and a mug of hot chocolate. or curling up in bed with a nice warm body to snuggle cuddle wuddle into. *ehem* err... yeah. right.

anyhoos. another emotional problem solved. i think we might have just outdone ourselves this time. it's like as if we've died, went to heaven, got kicked out to hell, readmitted to heaven, sent back to hell for a little torture ritual, came back to life, and died again. 7 times over. it's not as if i didn't already see it coming. i'm the one who brought it to where it is. say hello and then pretend you never met the evil satan parasitic virus when it called to say it's over. done, through, zip, zilch, nada, negative. kapish? comprehende? bien? no? well, too bad. vafanculo! i'm sailing through another dimension in my life right now, and i'd like to sail smoothly right through it. you can pick up the bits and pieces of your guts you left trailing behind you on the floor and clean the mess up. it's not a nice view.

on a lighter note, a less violent and graphically disturbing one... i am blissfully oblivious of the fact that i'm turning into a stalker but at the same time acutely aware that my behavior may not be healthy. (think: taylor - ryan therapist thing) eurgh. i'm not taylor. I AM NOT TAYLOR! eeeek! okay shut up. shut up. i'm a perfectly sane young woman whose emotional rollercoaster is fuelled by estrogen. and that's healthy. totally. yeah. uhuh.

oh god. i'm loony. help.

bawang pun kecoh?

oh check this out. a 54 year old man from iowa has been arrested for throwing an onion at his 27 year old wife's head. apparently he was drunk, got mad at his wife and plonked her with an onion. it hit the back of the woman's head and she told police it hurt her. she must've been a tomato head. lol. i mean, it's all good for anti-domestic violence and stuff but come on. an onion?? it could have well been an egg. but thank god it was only an onion. what if it was a mug, or a bowl, or a plate, or a vase, or a picture frame, or a lampshade, or...a ladle, or a pot, or a can of peaches?? (you get the point)

woman, i know the world is all for women's rights and all that but please. make some sense of yourself. a bloody onion... *mutters atrocities under my breath

jargons be jargons

yes yes. let jargons be jargons coz i know none of its meaning much less what the hell it's all about. *mumbles "Mintzberg...Maslow...what the effs..."

dude, i extracted keywords from like 6 chapters of management in half an hour for a test which was in another 2. genius! and i was up since sahur to finish writing a marketing plan in 3 hours and 10 minutes. double genius.

deadlines are assisted murder. but no one ever gets convicted. because no one ever really dies, or found really guilty.

i've been holding up pretty okay this puasa month away from the family. i don't go for terawikh prayers (my mom would go ballistic!) but i've been waking up very dilligently for sahur. which is very unlike me because i've never been one to wake up at 5am and crawl groggily to eat unless i've been forced to get up by my mom banging on my bedroom door like if i don't wake up and eat, the food will all spin to life and attack us. but yeah, so far so good. i haven't missed sahur yet. in fact, i actually want to eat. i need the food really, or i won't survive a whole day walking in the blistering heat to and from classes.

i've been writing in between finishing assignments. i felt like i had to get the juices flowing coz some people like it juicy. moist like chocolate cake. i figured if i get at least 3 songs down, i'd record at the end of the year. we'll see.

i miss my girls like crazy. each one of them. i can't wait to get to shah alam next year. cross fingers my application passes. it'll be the start of a new beginning of sorts. unfold a brand new story, brand new feeling, brand new day. and perhaps it'll be the start of something wonderful.

i want to pick up wall climbing again. i miss the sport.

grumble

my tummy grumbles like the storm is coming. *dark clouds in the sky*

and i can't write. wow. wasn't it only last night or something that i was going on and on about... something. see? i told you. my brain functions are somewhat limited given the weather conditions...and also my stomach's bewilderment at not finding anything to digest with all that tummy acid.

selamat berpuasa.

Jangan Takut

it's been a while since my last rendezvous with a pen and paper. managed to scribble this down in about 2 minutes, mixed feelings of desire and dreams.

***

angan-angan dan mimpi itu indah
seperti layang-layang dan bintang
hati tak bisa berkata-kata, hanya perasaan bisa diluah
kalau berpegang pada mimpi takut jatuh
pada janji mungkin sakit
percaya satu, hati tak mudah goyah
namun janji bisa berubah
tenung mataku dan lihat, jawapan itu ada.

jangan takut pada apa yang kau percaya
takkan lemah hati kerana cinta
takkan jatuh tanpa bangkit semula
kalau tidak seperti yang kau jangka
mungkin belum tiba waktunya
semua cerita akan terurai
satu perjalanan yang selesai, telah ditemui kesudahannya.


irama pola aura jiwa

Puas Hati

if you missed phlowtron's launch at planet hollywood, you missed a mad show. malaysia's hiphop finest, minus one bad egg. lol.

it was a good day out, a good night out. i am now able to withstand 18 hours in 3 and a quarter inch heels. and you can lick my toes after. hah.

"oh bawalah daku bersama mu oh sayang
kita kan terbang ke angkasa, ke kayangan..." - Oh Cinta, Warisan Senikata Malaya.

got my free phlowtron album, and currently diggin Oh Cinta and Suara Dunia. if you don't have it yet, check phlowtron.com.my for snippets.

Oh Cinta brings me to that someone. a very 'let me ride with you, baby' kinda song. the track also features my big brother Cat Farish and his Fabulous Cats. Adeep's vocal adlibs gives it that twang. you know you got it down if you got Cat on your wagon. it's a surefire mix like flaming lamborghinis. except, this track's more like having a Bellini while digging your toes into the sand on the beach, and baby waves gently washing over your feet.

"Bagaimanakah hilangnya nilai dunia
bagaimanakah isi hati di suara
bagaimanakah menerangi kegelapan
bagaimanakah ikhlas memberi harapan..." - Suara Dunia, Warisan Senikata Malaya

Suara Dunia is a track dedicated to the world, hence "Suara Dunia". listening to the song makes me see images of war and disease flashing in my head. those typical UN-type adverts...yeah, those kinds. Former member Arafah gets writing credits, but somehow i wanted to hear her 16 bars on this one. would have been cool.

other tracks include the single, Adikku Pandai Menari; malay rap in Bicara Neguran; the snazzy Phlowtron Jones featuring AtomDaBomb; a little bit of joget in Warisan Senikata Malaya; and Kau Harus Percaya with Lady D.

i am hungry. craving meat. a huge chunk of meat, grilled to perfection. i'ma go get food.

toodles bitches!