Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Rapists and Dictators

i've always wondered why it is so hard for victims of rape and abuse to file a report to the authorities, especially when it involves incest. it has always been an issue of debate on why these cases are often left unreported until far too long. some say it may bring shame onto the families, some feel it may be because of a victim's fear for the perpetrator. but some may think it's too petty to be made a big deal of.
while all of us outside of that ordeal, may shudder at such an outrageous incident, cry foul over the perpetrator, express utmost horror, and want justice be done, the simple fact remains that in the minds of the victim, the perpetrator is still family. and blood runs deeper than anything else. it's too complicated a matter to deal with mere laws and constitutions. when emotions are involved, it goes beyond that.


to think of living almost 18 years of my life in foul words, bitterness and spite.
to think i grew up in this environment and would it make me foul, bitter, and spiteful?
for every word of disgust thrown at me, for every lash of a leather belt that hit me, for every clothes hanger that broke in two when it hit my body, for every moment that made me unwelcome. i've pulled through, i've grown through it, i'm here and standing where i am.
but for every smile you see, for every laugh you hear, the amount of pain i've endured doubles that. i didn't suffer through it. at no point of it had i ever really suffered, i endured it.
suffering was what i never experienced. though persevered through a lot, i certainly have.

patience is something i have taken for granted. i've been patient for most of my 18 years of life. i'm not one to resort to drastic measures and actions. i'm not one to aimlessly fight back. i'm not one to kick and scream to make myself heard. but does it make me weak? i've never felt stronger. i've never felt more power raging inside me. but i douse it with sheer patience. the time will come, i shall walk out of this with my head well on my shoulders, while leaving every speck of dirt behind.

much as i am firm and defensive of other things, arguing to justify my own believes and principles, i am timid, docile, and afraid to stand up to one person. not because i can't, but because i do not dare. i've never dared. because with every action i take, a bigger wrath awaits. a wrath that i dread to provoke. but then again, it is a wrath that needs no provocation.

of late, this source of anger has been irrational. she lashes out at every seeming opportunity. one where i can't figure what i might have done to invoke such madness. but i've done nothing wrong. and even if i had, it might as well have been an affair very much over and done with.
yet, this foul mouth chooses to recount every past mistake and error with the flavour of spiteness more cutting that a razor. for a person who claims to be so pious and pure of heart, she seems to me to be the foulest of all. God, for one, i am sure would not have been in the least pleased with this impromptu show of verbal insults. if there is a word more provocative than "insult" i would use it with a flair.

all these, uttered from the lips of the woman who supposedly helped bring me to life. it is not her who gave me life, for ultimately it is God to whom i owe my breaths. but for God to have chosen her to be my carrier, there must be something he wanted in return. for me to have lived almost 18 years in her hands, i feel as if it has done much injustice to the life i have been given.
i can only be thankful, that i am every inch so much different from her than i can ever be.
i can't bare the thought of being the next living example of her outrage. foul and spiteful as it is.

in my world, there is only myself, my father, my friends, and my brother.
in my life, there are many others whom i do not have the liberty of choosing which. she is one of them, with only a tinge of regret.

i hold tight to the words of my father, "do not be like her when you grow up."
i know what he means. i live everyday while i hold dear to my father's words. i am as every bit proud of being as much like my father as i can.
a man of rationale, a man of patience and wisdom. a man of kindness. a man who is only proud when it is deserving.


no one really understands why i want to finish school, graduate and get a job as soon as i can. all of them told me to take my time, have fun while i'm still at it. pfft! roight~

there has never been any other moment when i see what i want, clearer than i see it now.
i have my own goals to score. to kick that ball right in between those goal posts.
i see myself standing where i want myself to be in the future. i know why i want this so much. for myself. it's so i can get away from pain, for most parts of my life.
so i could live the way i want, i don't have to be under the rule of a dictatorship maternal style.

my life does not imprison me. this is not jail. it's a f*cking Taliban state.
and the assasination of a dictator is for a greater good.

Fishes and the Ocean


i have to constantly remind myself of what i'm going to write. because what i do is that normally, i've thought about what i'm going to write and then settle down to write it. but the thing is sometimes the thought doesn't hold fast to my memory and it slips so i have to step back and retrace that bit. *sigh* just too much on my mind sometimes.

i can only remember fishing. oh yes, and an engagement. okay i'm back. here we go.

old memories were refreshed when i was at my uncles house recently. he and my dad had somehow gotten into a conversation about fishes and fishing. literally, okay. no hanky-panky. so then he got out all his precious fishing gear and tackle box. damn. hardcore fishing enthusiast! there are certain tactics to fish, i've learnt. different types of reels, rods, and strings.
my uncle was telling us how he caught a few Siakap. oh, then i remembered the time i went fishing with my dad and his friend. it was boring at first, none of us got anything. after a while, my dad got one, his friend got one. i still had an empty pail. then by luck, i got one! yes, me. i was about 10 or 11 at that time. and it was a whopping 2.1kg Siakap. hah! i can catch fish.
listening to my uncle and dad tell fishing stories made me feel like i'd want to go out on another fishing trip soon. my uncle said he'd like to take me and my brother out fishing one day. awesome! a whole day out in the sun, on a boat in the middle of the sea. i can almost smell salt and seawater. i live just 5 minutes away from the sea and yet, i hardly go to the beach.
i'll wait for the fishing trip. quality time with my dad doing what we like.



my uncle's nephew got engaged recently. he's only 24 and had started work only a few months. i wonder why get engaged at a very young age. no wait. that wasn't what i was wondering about actually. it was more of the length of time these two people have known each other.
5 years. since he was 19! and now he's 24 and they're engaged! phooey.


ocean vacation.

my infatuation with the sea goes deeper than the cliched "sun, sea, sand".
it's the mere vastness of the ocean, how it never seems to end, how it goes right to the edge of the horizon and you know there's more beyond.
the sea can be a body of calm and soothing water, but at a twist of fate, nature turns itself around and the oceans become devastating. the little waves you used to run after turns to engulf a whole town and leaves it wrecked.
the same ocean that gives fisherman their pay, turns upon them and chokes them in a storm.
the whole idea that something beyond beautiful can be as deadly as God demands it to be.

i hate my writing style today.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Svidish Times

ah. i had another day out shopping yesterday, but no blisters this time. i didn't spend any of my own money, or if i did, it wasn't enough for even half a blister to form. heheh~ (remember: a blister for every hundred that i spend)

purchase breakdown:
1) GLANSA lights
2) GLIS boxes
3) CLIPS frames

i got mom to pay for some things i wanted. should be good, for the time being. my birthday's coming soon so i thought i'd have my birthday requests met then. a zen neeon would be nice. that's what i can think of at the moment, besides a marc ecko watch but not so much of the watch really.


i've a certain liking towards snakes. yes, shivers run through my bones but i'm fascinated by them. can i have one for a pet? a baby milk snake will do. i'd love to have a python but full grown one costs RM23k. hehe. yes, i see you frown.

nothing really interesting going on at the moment. i'm planning my 18th. catch more words to lock down as we come nearer to deadline.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Hopeless Kitchen Help

"kau jangan ikut cara mat salleh. mat salleh buat kerja selekeh."

err...not the typical stereotype, this was in the context of food preparation. ever watched one of those cooking shows where the cook seem to chop every thing up like a ninja and simply throw them into whatever that they're cooking? yes. those.
well i was helping mom in the kitchen, she told me to chop up some garnish for the soup. so that's exactly what i did, chop. then she said i was doing it wrong. that's when she uttered the phrase above. haih. i can't seem to do anything right by her standards. never. itu je la.

"yes, i scalded the water so u can boil the mee."

at retort to mom's question of whether i've "scalded the water yet." semua tgh kelam kabut nak siapkan food for the guests. sampai my mom cakap pun dah tak betul. obviously she was asking if the water had been boiled so we could scald the mee. but it came out jumbled, so i answered her in jest. even my brother burst out laughing. i was bringing out the plates, laughing and clutching my sides trying to tahan gelak!

i've an exam tomorrow, have to continue reading those Greek lectures notes.

Candy Colours

we should thank whoever it was who invented underwear in more colours than white. it makes shopping all the more fun and exciting. really, i ain't joking. i mean, come..u could spend hours finding the colors that suit u perfectly, mix and match, or you could do it the easy way and buy those that come in pairs. even then, you would want to buy those that will match whatever outfits you want to wear them with. plus, it makes it very appealing to look at. you know, those guys out there might just start cursing if we so much as even look in the direction of a boutique. but it's all that time and money we spend that gets them attracted, and keeps their attention. they won't admit it, but it's true.


i'm in a rut. i feel like i'm in a rut. this nagging pain at the back of my head and it tugs on my heart.


i was watching my dad roll his own cigarette with tobacco. then my mind ran back to sometime ago, as i was reminded of the time back when i was in kelantan.
it was at this old shophouse. the ground floor had an ice making contraption. kilang ais la. the upstairs was a small makeshift jamming studio and the adjoining unit was where the owner and his family lived. he has a live band that does shows around the area.
so i was at this place, must've been after one of their shows or practice sessions. we were all sitting down, with kopi o and ciggies, talking bout politics (yeah, typical..) and cerita hantu in the wee hours of the morning. then one of the guys whipped out a plastic bag and started rolling tobacco into the infamous 'rokok daun'. needless to say, i was intrigued and didn't refuse when i was offered one. initially they were sceptical bout letting a girl like me take one, but after one confident puff, all fears erased. they even rolled me a second. and the fourth one rolled with newspaper! that was shyte i'm telling ya. got woozy like hell then the guy said it's bedtime for me. i couldn't carry my own head on my shoulders.
so watching my dad just now that something just hit me. it wasn't just plain tobacco i had back then. i was fecking weed and i didn't even know it. those guys wouldnt just be carrying plain tobacco around, they've enough sticks for a horse. and i dont get woozy on cigs mind you.
my resolution to stay clear of that particular substance - dashed.
but at least now i know i can. hah.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Bruised Elbows.

i'm supposed to be studying for an exam i have on monday. but, shyte. pieces of photocopied paper can't hold my attention for very long. especially when the contents are a horrible jumbled mess of grammatical and structural errors, trying to convey some sort of information about the "conventional guidelines to weeding." one of the said guidelines is, "collection should be kept absolutely infect. books represented the accumulated recorded written heritage of civilization". what the feck??
i'm talking about incomprehensible lecture notes here people! the very thing we're supposed to be reading in preparation for exams. but because i'm smart, i get a vague picture of what it's all about. (note: vague) but what happens to those who don't have a decent basic grasp of advanced vocabulary? this is what our education providers give us. this is what we have to put up with. incompetence. *smirks*

oh and of late, i've been bumping into walls a lot. i wonder how that could happen. apparently my body has this attachment with the walls? a few bruises here and there. fortunately my head hasn't found a fondness towards the walls. i'd be zonked. maybe i need me one of those sensors they put on cars, it beeps when you get too close to an obstruction while reversing. ya know? hahaha~

quite recently my 8 year old cousin asked me what a Beemer is. reaaalll cutesy like, "Pasha what's a Beeeemerrr?" well i said, it's a pet name for BMWs. the thing is, she's been riding in Beemers and Mercs since the day she ever breathed air! never known the interiors of any other car. she's sent to school in a Beemer. and she asks me what a Beemer is, the one who had rode in a Peugeot in the early 90s, a Honda mid-90s, and now rides in an Audi. roite~

short attention spans. i demand attention. because i believe i deserve it. hello? are u there? you've been distant these past weeks. where've you gone to? hello?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

bliss(ter)-ful day

if u dont get the title, i dont know how else to put it. u're just not 'gurl savvy' baybeh.

i had some awesome fun today. i went shopping, and i didn't just get the things that i bought, but i also got 3 blisters, one for every hundred that i spent. and no, that's not the fun part.
the fun part was, well, shopping of course! and yes, finally had the 'kwality thaing' with my abg syg: Nas. and his gurlfwen Mims.

a breakdown of wut i gone got myself. in order, mind you.
1) little black heels
2) jersey top
3) under thingies. *haha
4) bottle of perfume
5) tube of gloss
6) a zipper case

is that all....yes, i think that's all...


i've realised that i'm a person who cannot be left alone in a shopping mall lest i end up overspending and with more blisters than i can handle.
i walk in and out of shops, eyeing and buying everything as far as my cash can stretch. such a spendthrift, i am. but the thing is, i actually use what i buy. unlike the stereotyped self-professed shopoholics who buy but at the end of the day just stuffs the things to the back of the closet. such a waste i say.

i also discovered that i'm a person of surerity. is there such a word? i mean, assurance..'sure-ness', that's what i mean. you get the picture.
i hate just hanging around doing nothing, so ironically, i fill up my time while emptying my cordouroy purse. that's in one situation.
in another, i hate the feeling of being unsure. unsure of what's happening, unsure of what's to come. unsure of statuses of certain things. so i decide not to bother at all. just turn a blind eye, deaf ear, heartless, impassionate, like i don't care. but i do. but ignoring these feelings completely seem to be working. for now, until i unknowingly find myself to be actually quite bothered by it, really. then the whole rush of emotions, yada yada. ("typical girl", i hear u mumble..)

can't i just have the answers to some questions immediately? yes, no. simple. fine, so maybe the 'yesses' will come with some 'buts'..the 'nos' will come with their own 'buts'..regardless, the 'buts' are of second concern which is why it's "yes/no" then "but..."

Saturday, November 12, 2005


aiyoh. forgot what i was going to write. getting a bit woozy up in the memory departments. them brain cells not doing their jobs right.

bosan la. i need to get a job. or something. shaishhhh~

okay okay. here's something.

well...actually. there's nothing really. i can't really think of anything besides when's the time i'm gonna squeeze in some baking action, show me skills at the machine called 'oven'...
shyte..i've a test tomorrow. exam actually. what's the friggin difference it makes? still bugs me as much as it will the average victim of the malaysian education system. it sucks. yes. but still, most of us are the result and product of the said education system.
nahhh...i ain't gon be all political now. someone might just sue me, my big mouth, and my ass.

i'm gonna hustle hustle. i'm the supa hustla.

*pash dah start merapu dah ni*