Monday, October 24, 2005

i used to be able to write pretty easily. but it seems as if the words that form in my head wont flow out into sentences as seamlessly as it used to. i would think of something and decide to write it down, but when i settle to writing it then my head just goes blank. awesome. *rolls eyes*
there seems to be lots on my mind these days that drifts me away at times when others are normally enjoying some sort of social activity or other. alright, so the most recent glitch in my life would be when i missed the selections for Worlds' and Royals' Debate Tournament. bummer. i could have gone, i could have had someone kidnap me or something. bundle me up in a carpet and stuff me into the boot of a car till i got to selections safely. damn. i just didnt have the will to fight. fine, blame it on me. i didnt argue it with my parents about letting me go. pretty ironic really, since i could have debated it. debating my way into being able to go for debates. hah. i just couldnt, didnt want to go through hours of arguing and trying in vain to get myself heard above my mother without having to practically yell, and then be lashed out at for being rude. wtf?? nah...i'd rather just shut up. i've missed my second Worlds' debate, and i hate myself for it. (i missed the first one coz i didnt make the cut, so i thought i'd make it this time) i've lost all hope. lost the zest. lost it. still very passionate about it, yes. but considering the level at which i'm at, and the rate at which i'm supposedly progressing, i dont see myself going anywhere far. i've no motivation. i've no encouragement. not from my parents, not from my brother. shyte. since when has he ever been supportive of what i do. dad seems obliging. fair enough(?). mom couldnt care less. she only ever bothers making noise when i've to go for training on friday night but she wants to go back home to Sepang. that's about it. i feel like i'm not cut out for this. ugh. the feeling disgusts me.
i'd be better off doing something that requires less neurons. really. as smart as some people think i am (hah!) i like to see myself as the typical teenage airhead with possibly 90% less air than your average typical teenage airhead. hee~ see what i mean? *grins* would rather be constantly obsessed with the latest hair cut and color, if blonde streaks or bayalage would look sharp black eyeliner or smudged charcoal the 'it' know, the works. *pauses* but then, that wouldnt work either. i'm not exactly style queen. i suck at clothes. seriously. *cracks knuckles* what else shall we talk about...*ponders*

my current obsession with this song, "It's The End Of The World" not very sure by whom, but it might be The Carpenters. been looking for it for awhile, since watching Girl, Interrupted. finally got it off limewire. fine, so i'm an internet pirate. sue me. wait, i can be sued. shyte. it's such a depressing song. fitting, really. considering it's the soundtrack of a movie about mentally unstable people. far from being retards, they're just a bit messed up. personality disorders, eating disorders. *sigh

i'm running out of things to talk about. cant blame me, really. nothing ever happens in my life. ever. it's very subdued, monotonous, still. until i find some more boring things to write about.


Saturday, October 22, 2005

broken and messed up.

i do wonder. sometimes. all the time. most of the time.
why i'm so messed up. or why things just get messed up. when damn it all seems so gravy.
it's just me, i'm cursed. haha~