If. Just If.

"hey boy what's your name again
coz i been watchin you while you playin your game
i think i've met you before, it must be that sexy grin
why don't you come on over here and let a conversation begin..."

from the top of my head. i had those lines floating around, i just had to grab em and put em down. anyway, ten or so days from my last post and what has been buzzin..? apparently, nothing much. but i'm feeling like a monologue. or a "one-person conversation". i wanna talk ah. but i don't know who i should talk to. let's see if i can decide this right here.

***

shit. i've been listening to sad soppy r&b ballads. like it's not a bad thing okay, but i'm actually listening to every friggin syllable of it! hello? am i just bored or am i just plain sad. ick. and i've been playing it on repeat. i'm definitely cracked.

***

i can't think ah. things have been pretty crazy lately. like suddenly there're new people taking place in my life. and i've to get used to it. i've to get used to all these new people and i've to learn to accept the fact that all these people exist although not directly involved in my life but somehow intertwined and interconnected with all the other people in my life. sometimes i don't like it. but i don't really have much of a choice. grrr~
so i'm selfish. and i hate sharing with other people when it's really unnecessary to. why can't i be selfish without people telling me i'm being unreasonable? why? why is it so wrong for me to want what i want, and i want it all to myself, for myself. and everybody else can go look for second best. fuck off! like, seriously. F U C K bloody O F F !!

***

i want you. yes, i want YOU! and i hate knowing the fact that you may have so many other people who have you as part of their lives. yes, i am bloody effing selfish and it's going to kill me. what i'd like to do now is to screw those airhead Barbie dolls' heads off their plastic shoulders and throw them into a river! i am mad! i'm mad! i'm MAD!!!! i'm mad with myself for being so stupid! ugh, GOD! can i be any more disgusted with me than i already am.

***

i'm just mad because i don't have you and not having you kills me. the fact that you are not exclusively mine makes me bitter and angry. the fact that i don't know how to make you mine shows some part of weakness in me and i hate knowing that i'm weak. the fact that you might be in love with someone that isn't me scares me the most. i swear i miss you.