Jigglypuff

yeah, so the title's random. but actually, it's a pokemon character. jigglypuff, the one that sings people to sleep and then scribbles the faces with a black marker coz it gets angry that people are falling asleep? yeah? no? oh well. (google it, dude...)
anyway, unity concert is this friday and listen is the day after. I AM FREAKING OUT! i swear, i haven't memorized half of my lyrics and that's NOT a good thing. the last time i performed and forgot my lyrics, i choked on stage. and then i cried because of how stupid i was. trust me, that's the last thing i want to happen. this saturday is serious, maaang! it's like my first 'big' show. it's also one that i'm co-organizing with a friend. so yeah, you can say it's like carrying a whole sack of potatoes on my shoulders and having to do squats. (again, random...)
i'm really excited though. i've got practices this week, 4 solid hours of rehearsing the full routine. rapping, singing, choreography...everything. you watch people practice for shows and you think it's easy right? you think you can do it too right? you think you can do better right? WRONG! you so don't know what it's like to be singing and dancing at the same time. so please, the next time you see those reality things on the telly and you think they suck; bitch you don't know better.

Puff Puff

you've been checkin in and there hasn't been any updates? i haven't been writing. coz life's moving way too fast for me to take a step back and write about it. shit's been happening and then it takes a u-turn, goes the other way around. crazy shit.

too much going on. too much to think about my head's like in a whirlpool. like i'm in a washing machine on spin and it won't stop. maybe i should take a break and step away from the madness. this is 2008, it was dragging along and all of a sudden it's March? woah. i only noticed that it's been zooming past me when one moment it's February and now it's 3 weeks to my show at Bojangles. double U, tee, eff. seriously. where did all that time go? i'm rushing to meet deadlines, i've got papers to submit that's long overdue. i hate writing papers. writing is not something i do because i have to. writing is leisurely activity for me. so when i have to write about something i'm not even remotely interested in, it saps the energy out of me and i go like, blah. no drive, no motivation. like, whaddafak. and imagine another 3 years going through the same shit over and again. school sucks. i need to readjust my views. i've got my priorities all jumbled up. no, wait. i DON'T have any priorities. now that's messed up. i gotta focus, mayn. how come brains don't come with an auto-focus function. urgh.

i gotta get into perspective. get my head straight. straight up to the beeline like chalk on the sidewalk, nose to the grindstone get the books back on the right shelf. dude, i'm rambling. i need a whack on the head. why do i feel like i'm in a hurricane. like, wha? whaddoido, wheredoigo, whaszatonthefloor...i been thinking about a lot of things but the funny thing is, i don't know what. some part of it is something about school work. then another part will be about the show, a little corner of my brain will be screaming out "you're forgetting something!" but i don't know what. i think my brain cells are dying. err. help.

Smells Like Poop

the feeling is monotone, monochrome like black and white tv back in those days.
mute like chaplin, facial expressions denote nothing. the context of everyday happenings are unrelated and insignificant. bubbles burst once in a while right? wrong. they burst all the time. the odd few might stray up a bit higher than the rest, fly into the sky like its the limit. but what really is? what's the limit? who sets the bar of what's the highest level to a certain credential. fuck it. son of bitches don't appreciate the gift, only like receiving, never like to give or ever feel like giving. or they give but they take it back? this is dark and deep, my thoughts you may not comprehend. but it's not my fault. i may not want you to understand. if you do, it may be right, it may be wrong. i've been cussing like a street bitch the whole 20 days of 2008. cursing at every damn thing like swearing is my only ability, the only words available in my vocabulary. maybe i started it off on a wrong note. the wrong foot. the wrong mood. the wrong road. nothing is going great at the moment. a mix of good and happy, bad and sad. depression on the verge, valium helping induce sleep. my body's tired and aching. i need the stress release, the unwind, the wind, the sun, the sand. every muscle contracts like it's working against its will. forcing myself to move when all i want to do is curl up under layers and layers of heavy covers, cower, and curled up like a hibernating bear not wanting to wake up. every day waking up is an effort. every day the moment i wake up and the pain is too hard to bear. too much. make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. tear the pain out of my heart, my lungs screaming for air, gasping, chest heaving, shoulders shaking. make it stop. make it stop. i have no more faith. perhaps only a flicker, a feeble attempt at trying to stay lit. but i stay lit. that little flicker is all i need. right? falling into a deep sleep when all the pain goes away. like numbness. i don't feel a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. make it stop. make it stop. distraction works only for a fraction of a second. distraction itself is distracting, it doesn't take it away. it only makes you pretend it's gone. please. make it stop. make it stop feeling. make it not feel a thing. make it not feel pain. make it stop hurting. enough. enough. i've had enough.

Eff Yew.

tomorrow i register myself at university.
sunday will be nothing.
monday i start day one of my PR degree program.
tuesday will be the dawn of a new day.
wednesday will be day two of my PR degree program.
thursday will be day three.
friday will be when i perform at Layar Tanchap.
it's saturday again. wow.

final words for the year that is 2007.
eventful.
several close to suicidal attempts. (lol!)
a lot of attention grabbing, mic wielding moments.
i learnt how to speak Malay. more than what i know at least.
a whole lot of heartbreaks.
a whole lot more of drunken escapades.
great job experiences.
i found out who friends really are. and who they aren't.
realized how hazardous my (spending) habits are.
also realized how much money i'd need to keep it up.
not yet figured how stupid i can be when it comes to boys.
like, seriously. stupid. "she's like the olymp-bitch champion!"
i've been bestowed the title "violent and abusive alcoholic", thanks to Masai.
memorable. some good times.
although the sisterhood's been a bit of a mess this year.
we need penang again, khairun.
or langkawi.
and we need plenty more of mawar.
chocolate-opoly nights. my place next time. and donuts.
and mocktails roulette! skip the alco for you girls. ;)
thanks for that night at rasta mawar. and fuz. he's not bad after all. heh.
i'm still trying to figure that one out. the boy. is. a. puzzle boggle scrabble. mind games.
i hate them testosterone creatures. we should all be gay. haha.
i see you roll your eyes at this one mawar.

shidots. you've been here for me.
even though you're there. in bloody london.
i still hate you for that.
but the lipglosses you bring home are candy!
red waja. that's classic.
i don't even remember how we got back to your place.
puking all over the outside of santha's car.
see, mabuk also still got control. haha!
and thanks for the brilliant birthday present idea.
i never put in so much effort for a boy's gift before.
come to think of it, i can't even remember what i got memin for his birthday.
or if i even got one for him. lol.
i still got the purse he got me though. still using it.
maybe i should like, go out with him kan?
make him buy me stuff like he used to.
we shopped at Esprit okay. god, that boy.
shit. snap out of it.
oh whatevs. you've been my one true best girlfriend.
from one boy to another. we go all the way back to 2001 babes.
and we'll make 2008 another year crossed in the books.
with hammy. my candy supplier. doctor in the making.
my baby girls will have one cool ass doctor aunty hammy!
ponteng school, get mc from aunty hammy.
and get free hotel rooms to crash after parties from aunty shidots.
but sorry ah, they'll learn to party from me first.
be the living legendary mommy. lol!
hams, kau hutang aku satu botol absinthe.
pour it in a juice bottle and say it's passionfruit.
i dont bloody hell care. i'll see you in January.
a lot of alcohol awaits us.

to another person i've been trying to scrape away since April.
i hate you. for doing what you did.
i hate you. because no matter how much you say you won't call or bother me.
you're still there.

like soap scum on bathroom walls. mud and grit.

tough stains on carpets. stubborn like wine spills on silk.

fuck you, for me ever meeting you was a mistake.

all the way back to that night in February 2006.

last words for 2007?

2008 better be good.

good things come when you're prepared.

so be prepared.

Pow.

when you want it straight up they mess up and give you excuses.
when you want it kinder they shout and shove it in your faces.
when you want something from them they stupid and oblivious.
when you want nothing at all they think you got expectations.
what happened to being direct and transparent
it'd make things hell easier if you'd seen it comin'
what about thoughts in your mind you thought you could say
but when you wanna say it you find yourself not all that articulate

what the fuck.

Back to School

it's been about 4 years since i went back. today i walked up the same stairs to the same office i used to be called up to when i got in trouble. but this time, i was getting my SPM certificate which i so conveniently didn't care to pick up all those years back. and the office has changed. somewhat. i preferred it before the renovations. i met my form one class teacher. that was cool. not much has changed really. except for a new building they now call 'block c'. it used to be the softball field, and where we had 'lompat tinggi' practice. i remember doing gymnastic flips over the bar instead of the back flip high jump. my house teacher thought i'd break my neck. friends thought it was cool! haha. but that was when i actually went to house practice. a bit later in my high school years, i skived and went out with my then boyfriend. those were the days. *sigh

Twenty

Happy birthday to me.

and celebrate World AIDS Day, wear a red ribbon. =)

xoxo

Snip Snap

Dear Pash, Here is your single's love horoscope for Saturday, November 3:

Flirt, and flirt a lot today. Your magnetism's white hot right now and everyone around you feels it. Don't be afraid to ask that special person out. They won't be able to resist your charm.


my horoscope tells me wonderful things. but normally my self-esteem doubts it. you have no idea how this effects the levels of estrogen. it's nowhere near the delirium you'd experience from purchasing a RM400 Guess bag however, but it's within the same region. i should probably draw up a hierarchy of things that make me happy, although i doubt it'll be very accurate. i mean, i can't really be sure J.Co donuts can top Haagen Dazs' chocolate fondue. come on! that's asking for alot! *ehem*

talk about J.Co donuts. damn! that's all i can say. shtank you. ngahahahaha! dude, OMG! like, all the words combined into one big ass exclamation won't even come close to defining those bloody J.Co donuts. i'd be subscribing to 3 gyms with 2 personal trainers for each part of my body if i could live on those things. seriously. my favourites (top-bottom) : Why Nut, Coco C, Alcapone.

moving on...

did you know trips to the hair salon is very therapeutic? yeah. it's like, you walk into the place and it doesn't matter which obscure little town you're in (like, segamat) and you feel like you've been transported to Subang. or KL. like that. i got my hair cut. (again??) it's just to re-define the unruly mop i had as hair. see, the mohawk didn't grow out very graciously, hence i needed a cut to tame it a bit. now, all thanks to Teddy, (the hairdresser. more than 20 years experience, mind you) i have nice hair. short, sassy, and oh-so-sexy. lol! (the "oh-so-sexy" was added for dramatic effect.)

only two more papers to sit for, then i'm off! i SO can't wait to get away from this place. there's so many things i want to do... *daydream*

Bzzt.

if you've noticed in my previous posts i have this penchant for monosyllabic sound effect-ish blog titles. i can't for the life of me figure why. i'm just genius that way. lol.

last weekend was recharge ('cas semula'??) at a'famosa melaka. recharge my foot! literally. we all had a mind-lifting experience of horse manure foot spa. gives a whole new dimension to mud therapy i'm telling ya. who needs volcanic earth? it was all organic shit (pun intended) from the moment you step foot into the venue. but blending into nature activities aside, the event itself was aight. i spent most of the night at freedom electric, partly because it was playing hiphop, and partly because it was the only air-conditioned tent.
solid gold was very cute, with the roller-skating ring and retro-ish music playing. very cool, very cool. then there was the foam bar, which was filled with, well, foam! everyone who walked out of that place looked like they were wearing Ugg boots looking like little eskimoes sesat in muddy land. it made for a very amusing watch. until, me and a couple of friends decided we couldn't hold in the temptation any longer and pergi masuk itu foam bar (me, albeit a tad bit hesitant of getting wet). the result, of course was us looking like the formerly described Ugg boot wearing eskimoes. oh we had fun! bubble baths ain't just for the Johnson & Johnson generation. kalau boleh install satu alat foam itu dalam shower di rumah, seronok beb!
besides that, there was the freedom AMP stage, which we didn't go to. neither did we go to the Global stage. oh but we sloshed to Godskitchen. Gods-bloody-muddy-as-hell-kitchen! (semua Reefa punya pasal! :p) managed to listen to Bass Agents play, mind you the stage was a bit far from where we were to see them, so yeah. we listened je.

all in all, penat gila babi (add more expletives here). my knees felt like popping off, my ankles were wobbly, my toes all covered in gunk. (ew, yeah i know)

balik, tidur. oh sedap betul tidur. nikmat yang tak terhingga.

Brownie Fine

Miss Shidot, you ain't the only one with a mixer and an oven. Pash got mad baking skills ma'am!

Pash brownies as it got into the oven.

no pictures after it got baked, coz then you'll drool all over your keyboard and beg me for some of miss pash's brownies. i make them on special occasions. usually when people come over to the house. this time, i brought it over to my aunt's for Raya. i know shidot is very 'pemurah' and posts her recipe so everyone can try baking, unfortunately i can't put mine up. i'm not kedekut (puh-lease), it's just because baking isn't a chemistry experiment where you measure each ingredient to precision and expect a perfectly baked cake. the art is in throwing a whole bunch of stuff together and voila! also, the joy in baking is spontaneity. imagine feel-good movie scene where girl bakes cake (read: tries to bake), boy pokes around, girl taps him on the hand, boy splats flour on girl's nose, and they end up on the kitchen counter with no cake. yah?

so if you want a bite, come to the house! comprehende?

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

Excuse Me Miss

i'd like to rectify a mistake i made in my previous posting. read through the last paragraph where it says 'moscow', it should be Baikonur, Kazakhstan. that was where the rocket lifted-off. russia rents the land from Kazakhstan after the 'dissolution' of the Soviet Union. yes, Kazakhstan was under Soviet rule. so were a lot of other "-stan" countries save for Pakistan. but that's another history lesson altogether.

alrighty then, now that's been clarified.

oh, our 'angkasawan' is a bona fide cosmonaut. apparently he is also gay. please tell me this is not true. (although i have people telling me who his 'partner' is.)

if y'all remember kenan from nickelodeon's "kenan & kel", do it like you know: "whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?"

Whoosh

i am seated next to the television, watching the live telecast of hours building up to that good looking doctor being blasted off to space. i mean, literally blasted off to space. this Sheikh Muszaphar fellow is bloody hell good looking. i am looking at him right now. (yes, my computer is positioned right next to the black idiot box. that means i can watch mtv and youtube at the same time.)

i haven't seen this particular personality for quite a while now but he's mc-ing the telecast at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Center. i thought to myself, damn. i wanna be this dude. i mean, not be him like being him, but be like him. right. you get the picture. anyway, Mahadzir Lokman. thwack yourself or anyone on the head if you don't know Mahadzir Lokman. i remember him mc-ing my aunt's wedding some 10 years ago. i was little miss flower girl and couldn't care less about him at the time. but i remember him being put to the grill by my grand-aunt (the bride's mother. very fussy, hence the exquisite choice in an emcee.) he sailed right through the whole function. i mean, it was only a wedding. only a wedding.

so back to the story. what story? right. the telecast. the blast off. to infinity and beyond! hahaha. i can imagine Dr. Sheikh's little boy inside actually giggling and grinning and squirming in his seat while making Buzz Lightyear impressions. hahahahaha! *slaps knee*
he's been interviewed by many, i'm sure. but most if not all the interviews must have been very serious scientific experiment-oriented interviews. what about those with a touch of humour? i'd love to ask him if he ever wanted to become Buzz Lightyear when he watched ToyStory. or if he's being under all this spotlight because he's much more good-looking than the other dude. i bet when he comes back, he'll be in Cleo's most eligible bachelor 2008. maybe he'll be featured on the cover of GQ. lol! suddenly he'll be Malaysia's next hottest celebrity, he'll be invited to movie premieres and mediocre award shows. he'll beat Mawi and win Anugerah Bintang Popular. he'll star in Yusoff Haslam's next blockbuster soppy love movie. roight.

i've no idea what the big deal is. he's going off into space. bravo! the nation's proud of you. but what do i have to say about it? nothing much. i'm your average 19 year old teenage airhead. maybe i should read up on this and find out what the hoolaballoo is all about.

in less than 73 minutes, he'll be gone. and right now in moscow, he's sitting next to two other mat salleh astronauts being interviewed or something. and he's wearing that astronaut suit. we've all watched armageddon. and astronauts are hot.

lagi 3 hari nak raya dah.

Horror Scopes.

Dear Pash, Here is your single's love horoscope for Friday, October 5:

Flirting's a great form of communication for you today. You're feeling so good you can't help but have fun with everyone. Be careful about being too friendly around those who are spoken for. You might ruffle some feathers.

I love reading horoscopes. Mine, especially. Haha! =D They tickle me. And it's so amusing to read. It's as if my future can be predicted by the mere alignment of the moon and sun to jupiter and venus. And it tells me nice things. So i like them.

My source of 'feel-good' juice.

Lai lai ci ci kang

I’m writing this in between sipping my laici kang and eating my nasi kerabu on my study table in my hostel room. I’m not eating so much of my nasi kerabu, it being my favourite Kelantanese staple, but I’m paying more attention to my drink. This being the first time I ever drank laici kang. Go ahead, you can point at me and go ‘what??’ This drink never appealed to me, ever. I don’t know why suddenly it crossed my mind to actually buy it when I was buying buka puasa/dinner at the Ramadhan bazaar today. Maybe my curiosity got the better of me. So yeah, this drink…it’s actually really good. I mean, hunger and thirst amounting to starvation and severe dehydration not affecting judgement, it is good! And it’s a drink that really occupies me. You would ask why. Well it’s got all this stuff in it like barley and selasih and cincau and winter melon and mata kucing… But wait, if you’ve had laici kang before, you’d know all this. Okay. (que: point finger and laugh loudly) Fine, so I’ve found life’s little pleasures in a mug of laici kang; made even more pleasurable when you manage to sedut the last bit of barley or selasih with a straw. Haha! I love Ramadhan. For all the wrong reasons, but I love it anyway.

Because I know Shidot reads me on a regular basis, here’s a message for you babe.
So what if you can shop next to Sienna Miller and smell her hair, go terrorizing the Spaniards because you’re scarier than a bullfight, travel across Europe to go mabuk with Hammy while she spends taxes the average working Malaysian pays… You’re missing out on the good ol’ Ramadhan bazaar! You can hate me now! But hey, let’s go on a one month beach bum holiday for our graduation present to each other. I miss you. And i love you, i do. But NO RAYA SONGS!! I'm not going to email you Raya songs. NO!

the holidays

i'm bugged by cellphones ringing out hari raya ringtones. text messages, phone calls... dude, it's crazy and it's driving me crazy. the fact these people just let their phones ring for awfully long on bloody purpose irks me too. yes, it's hari raya soon. i get it. blasting hari raya songs doesn't mean you truly understand the meaning of the occasion. so it means you're in the mood for festive cheer, but really. aid'l fitri isn't just about hari raya songs.

ramadhan's only half way through, chill. i can't wait to raya either. *smirk

burn scissors

i hate my hair. why on earth did i cut my hair?? whyyyy?? fine, so the mohawk was cool. when it was a mohawk. i loved the mohawk! but now it has grown out, and it's a mess of hair on my head and i can't make it out to look decent. i look scruffy like a furball. i should just get it cut short again right? yeah. except, now i actually want to keep my hair long and never ever ever cut it ever again. genius, pash. totally. whatthefeck.

i have ugly hair!!!! and it's all over my face. it's disturbing my face's pH balance. *scream*

and therefore, makes me ugly too. blargh.

gunshot wound

today i saw a person fall. from the high position she holds in society, the high regard people see her in, the almost always jovial and bubbly young woman she is, she became as distraught and distressed as anyone can possibly be. she fell, down 17 flights of stairs and came tumbling and crashing down, disgraceful and mortified. she cried. she cried and cried up to a point where she felt she couldn't cry anymore. not because she decided to pick herself up, but because she felt too lifeless. she couldn't move. not her hands, not her legs, not her body. all she wanted to do was to lay perfectly still and not move an inch. not even trying to breath. she contemplated attempting suicide. contemplating being the operative word. she pondered what methods would ease her of her pain the best and quickest way. she wondered if anyone will find her, and if they did, if they would care. she saw her life the past year flash in painful transitions before her. each picture a grim reminder of why she's where she is at that very moment. she never wanted to be where she was. she never was happy. the entire year, she was never once happy. only occasionally she receives messages from the people she loves and cares for. and that made her happy for only a fraction of a second that it lasted. she tried to pull through, living like an island. it seemed to work for a while. until everything caught up with her in a hurl of incidents like stones thrown to her face. now she lies broken. will she pick herself up? she always does. but will she do it this time around?


if i came to you crying, what would you do?

almost suicidal

almost, not quite.

kill me for being malay but i hate being around so many people of the same race for an extended period of time. where have all the multi-coloured skins gone?

is it their attitude? the way they talk? the way they think? the way their brains work? the people they grew up with? the people they spend much of their life with? oh crud.

i am one, and i have an indescribable loathing for people of my own race. how unpatriotic is that? but maybe it's not their fault. it's not their fault that they are the way they are. to have been born into an environment where the only people they meet and socialize with are those who tick the same check box when filling in forms.

i should be ashamed of myself. but i am not. so call me whatever.

i miss my friends. i miss school.

this place saps the juice out of me.

actually. i miss people who speak english.

dead didders

arr. hm. i received this mail in my inbox about a week ago and i've been holding off from reading that thing until i accidently clicked on that measly thing and now i'm agitated beyond the level of normal. okay fine, mild exageration. pfft~ you wanna know what the email subject was? you really do?

KNC 2007 motions

oh i almost cried. almost. i read through the list of motions that the entire Korean intervarsity debating community cracked over and i almost cried. giddammit. wanna know what they were? here, have a field day. maybe you'll feel like crying too.

Round 1: Korean Society
THW abolish the Ministry of Gender Equality & Family. (¡°Yeo-seong Bu¡±)
THBT commercial matchmaking businesses are detrimental to the Korean society.
THBT hostages should be required to pay all costs associated with their release.

Round 2: Ideologies
THBT socialism is beneficial for South America.
THBT Saudi Arabia should allow women into politics.
THBT the world should completely give up its effort to implant democracy in the Middle East.

Round 3: The Human Body
THW ban human body exhibitions.
THW harvest organs from executed prisoners regardless of consent.
THW remove custody rights of parents who deny medical treatment to their children on religious grounds.

Round 4: Universities
THW forbid political parties from having activities on university campuses.
THBT publishing university rankings does more harm than good.
THW prohibit corporate franchises from establishing branches on campus.

Round 5: Law and Justice
THW adopt a trial by jury for criminal cases.
THS direct election of Supreme Court judges.
THW hold parents responsible for the wrongdoings of juvenile delinquents under the age of 14.

Quarter-Final: Natives and Settlers
THW repeal all laws granting extra privileges for the Australian aborigines.
THBT only native languages, rather than European languages, should be the official language of African nations.
THBT governments should repeal land ownership rights of its native ethnic groups.

Semi-Final: The Third World
THBT environmental problems of the Third World are a responsibility of the First World.
THBT the First World nations should prohibit pharmaceutical corporations from conducting medical experiments on humans in Africa, regardless of consent.
THBT the British Museum should return its exhibit items to the former colonial states from which they were taken.

Final: US and the World
THBT the United States should cease supporting the Pervez Musharraf regime.
THBT the US should immediately lift all sanctions against Cuba.
THBT Spanish should be the second official language of the United States.

if you don't know how debates work, i am in no mood to explain. go google it or something.

now let me get back to almost crying. i'm devastated. *sniff

late nights

i'm afraid i'm repeating my irregular sleep patterns again. this time, it's grey's anatomy. 7 DVDs equalling to 36 episodes from season 1 and 2 of the bloody emotion-sapping, sleep-depriving, unnervingly witty (yang) and endearing (o'malley) cast. oh and the surgeries. you get to see the insides of a human body turned out and suctioned. yum. really enhances one's appetite. *sigh

i can't sleep much for the next week and a half or so. assignments aren't piling up, they're just getting on my nerves the nearer to deadline it is. suddenly this problem pops out of nowhere, suddenly this essay needs more information than we already have, suddenly someone doesn't know how to do what they're supposed to have done a week ago. you know, the most impossible things creep up on you and go 'boo!'. i'd rather be curling up in bed with a book and a mug of hot chocolate. or curling up in bed with a nice warm body to snuggle cuddle wuddle into. *ehem* err... yeah. right.

anyhoos. another emotional problem solved. i think we might have just outdone ourselves this time. it's like as if we've died, went to heaven, got kicked out to hell, readmitted to heaven, sent back to hell for a little torture ritual, came back to life, and died again. 7 times over. it's not as if i didn't already see it coming. i'm the one who brought it to where it is. say hello and then pretend you never met the evil satan parasitic virus when it called to say it's over. done, through, zip, zilch, nada, negative. kapish? comprehende? bien? no? well, too bad. vafanculo! i'm sailing through another dimension in my life right now, and i'd like to sail smoothly right through it. you can pick up the bits and pieces of your guts you left trailing behind you on the floor and clean the mess up. it's not a nice view.

on a lighter note, a less violent and graphically disturbing one... i am blissfully oblivious of the fact that i'm turning into a stalker but at the same time acutely aware that my behavior may not be healthy. (think: taylor - ryan therapist thing) eurgh. i'm not taylor. I AM NOT TAYLOR! eeeek! okay shut up. shut up. i'm a perfectly sane young woman whose emotional rollercoaster is fuelled by estrogen. and that's healthy. totally. yeah. uhuh.

oh god. i'm loony. help.