Semua Kalau Ada Kamu

okay so i didn't write on sunday.
but i didn't promise, i just said i would right.
i'm writing now aren't i? pfft~

Arau Open is this weekend.
i'ma kick some sweet ass this time around.
but i doubt it. i'm not in shape.
i'm ugly!!! aaarrghhh!!
i'd be lucky if i break, but that really depends on who my teamies are going to be. coz i know one thing sure, i'm going to SUCK. literally. i'll be sucking on my teamies intelligence. parasitic teamwork. hah.

anyways.
things happen in a gyals daily life mahn. the gyals wanna rub up on some duckies but the duckies turn to be rubber mahn.
right. that's pash, of late i've been weaving in and out of multiple personalities. but only God knows how and why i keep it up.
it keeps me amused, for one. as i don't currently have a resident clown to entertain me and my whims. where's a boyfriend when a girl needs one? when a girl really needs one? *sigh

pash has been utterly interested in horoscopes. for the fun of it. matching mine with non-existent significant others. otherwise known as, potential hopefuls? naahh...
*sings "just my imagination, just my imagination..." by the cranberries.*

pash has discovered oh-so-suddenly that she's is a very loyal person. lol.
as put by a friend, "setia habissssss"
i didn't know i could be? i could? woaahhh...

you know this is becoming very pointless.
i don't know what the objective of my ramblings are tonight.
i can't figure head or tail of what's going on here.
and how all this is even remotely related to the title i posted.
you figure. i'm messed up as always.


>Pash The Sexy

Uhh.

i'll write. tonight.
i just need to gather my thoughts.

Selamat Tahun Baru

Happy 2006!

it's been a while since i've blogged so macam taktau apa nak type. hahaha.
berterabur pula rasa. no idea, no structure, no nothing. but i felt like i had to post one to start off the year right.. *taps fingers on wrist pads*

i welcomed the year quitely at home. yes. i was at home. gelak la, kesian la, suka hati la.
but it came with an excitement i couldn't contain, anticipation for a great year, and motivation to live 2006 to it's peak.

i know i shouldn't really believe horoscopes and all that, but it predicted such an irresistable array of events, i just couldn't help but feel as if 2006 is definitely going to be hot.
my first week in 2006 has been awesome already, so yes, i can't wait for what's next.
although perhaps my joy could be short lived but hey, a girl can be optimistic yes?

alright. since i don't really have much to say yet, i'ma chill and ride the clouds.

>Pash

Myspace Questionnaires.

1.The last movie you watched?__"the chronicles or narnia, the witch, the lion and the wardrobe" (sebut dgn gah sekali)

2. The last tv show you watched?__the naked chef. he wasn't naked okay and i dont want to see him cooking with no clothes on. unhygienic giler.

3. The last song you heard?__what's on my winamp. basically like 700+ songs. but yeah, specifics: Sade - The Sweetest Taboo

4. The last thing you bought?__a pair of shades. i'm so plastic, but it's so fun trying it on, even more fun paying for it.

5. The last place you went to?__my bathroom? does that count? oh you mean went out....i went to sunway pyramid. u know, that place with the lion's head?? yeah...the eyes light up at night.

6. The last food you ate?__nasi goreng daging merah. and chocolate cake. and an apple. fruits are good for your digestion u know.

7. The last thing you heard from your parents?__mom: "eh pergi buat kopi. then bring the biskot cream crackers for me."__dad: "tukar la channel. apa tengok elton john ni."

8. The last thing you said to your parents?__to mom: "mmphhff."__to dad: "nah la remote."

9. The last thing you said to one of your friends__"kalau bisa gwe jadi cewek dia gwe adalah yang paling bahgia kok" hahhaha..fantasies la oy. like yea, roight~

10. The last book you read?__book? e-book boleh? i'm so tech savvy. lol. anyway, i havent been reading much. been too busy being blonde. (rolls with laughter)


Who was:

1. The last person you called?__balan. sebab i missed his call. so i called him back. baik kan pasha ni. *grins*

2. The last person who called you?__shidot. after an emergency distress sms i sent her. damn i always feel better after talking to shidot. first half hour i was depressed in tears, then the next half hour i was laughing my ass off talking about what dumb fucks some guys are when they're oblivious and seemingly blind.

3. The last person you texted?__shidot. the distress sms...remember.

4. The last person who texted you?__shidot. the reply to my distress sms....

5. The last person who said good night last night?__last night? hurm...siapa. no one? hahaha...what's a good night for anyway. i sleep at 4am.

6. The last person who said I like you?__err..hehe. ada la orang tu. tapi kan. malu seh. wait a minute. sejak bila ada orang 'likes' me?? huh?? huh??!! nobody likes me, everybody hates me. ahaha~

7. The last person who gave you a comment?__lupa dowh. i think it's aremint. or nas. or....hurm..i read through them but i dont remember exactly who was last. okay.

8. The last person who sent u a msg in myspace?__putri. hehe. what was it about now. oh...something like about school and term and shyte.

9. The last person you hugged?__hug. daddy.__bug. beetle. the car.__tug. o-war.__rug. persian__dug. a hole. up yours.__mug. supersize for hot chocolate.__jug. water.

10. The last person you saw on tv?__robbie williams. oh no. elton john. oh. hurm.


Do You?

1. Do you believe that love is forever?__love is for awhile only la. then whatever that's after that is mutual understanding, respect, sense of responsibilty, belonging, companionship. i'm realistic. ideals are just idealistic ideas.

2. Do you get hurt by people easily?__yes i do. pash is not that tough after all. and i might be so paranoid and hurt myself thinking that that person hurt me padahal orang tu taktau apa2 pun. tapi i je emo lebih. lol.gila ke apa? pash is not so duhhh~ but yeah, vulnerable giler.

3. Do you believe that all people are generally good?__generally? of course. semua orang baik la sebenarnya. even underneath all that bitchy egoistic cocky attitudes, full of shit liars, insensitive closet homosexuals, hypocrites and all that. semua orang baik la.

5. Do mean people make you sad?__no lah. they make the mean side of me meaner. trust me, mean people get to see the mean me. so if u think i'm being mean to you then something must be triggering it. but i'm mean anyways. totally.

6. Does ice cream make you happy?__it makes me believe that dairy can come in various flavours and brands, with various toppings, and types of cones: wafer, sugar, waffle. caramel, toffee, butterscotch. sprinkles: chocolate, rainbow. raisins, nuts. haagen dazs. ben and jerry's new york super fudge chunk.

7. Do you sing in the shower?__i sing when there's a mic and no one looking. lol. i mandi in the shower la ngok. wash my hair in the shower. scrub my knees in the shower. brush my teeth while in the shower too, hehe, lazy la to stand at the sink.

8. When it rains, do you like to splash in the puddles?__when it rains, i like to smell the scent of rain. and get wet in the rain. puddles are for my little cousins to jump around in. i play out in the open. get soaked.

9. If you see a cute guy/girl walk down the street,do you smile and tell him/her that he/she is cute?__u're talking cute guy/girl like he or she is 5 right? okay, 8 yrs max. either way, i won't. so what if he/she is cute. you think i'm going to do the world a favour and boost their ego? tak payah.

10. Do you notice when people have beautiful eyes?__i notice it more when i have beautiful eyes. haha. beautiful eyes....beautiful eyes, eh. most people i know have normal eyes. that's good enough innit?

11. Have you ever cried watching a movie?__omg. when the soul of Cedric Diggory told Harry to take his body back to his father. CEDRIC DIED!! *sob*sob*

12. Is it cute when old people are holding hands?__since when did old become cute weh? you sick people.

13. Are you a happy person?__happy? am i happy? do u really think i am a happy person?? of course i'm happy!!! what do you think??!!! huh? huh!!!

14. Do you tend not to worry even when you know something bad is about to happen?__oh god. talk about denial. i've been ignoring red lights since i was in high school. i'd rather go redah je then get into trouble later. worth it. at least i did what i wanted to. can't be too careful la..those are for the goody types. anak mithali and all. pfft~

15. Is it fine to cut the barbie's hair?__if you're aspiring to be Winnie Loo, sure. cut lah. but don't u dare come near mine with a scissors. i swear i'll slam your head down on a chopping board and cut your hair off with a chopper!!!

16. Have you ever laughed so hard that your stomach hurt?__i pernah gelak so gila, i was on the armchair, then i went down to the floor, then i rolled around clutching my sides, then i sat up and slapped the floor, then if i was eating i'd be choking on my food, my face would be almost purple, and then i'd get on the armchair again, then i'd have both my legs up on the arm rest, then i'd be kicking the air...then i'd.. u really want me to go on?

18. Are you slightly lazy?__very lazy. lazy giler. sangat lazy. pemalas like a princess. tuan puteri kat rumah tak boleh angkat jari buat apa pun. kalau suruh jugak muka jadi macam muka kurang ajar gila. haa. nak cakap apa sekarang.

19. Do you like to drive with the windows down?__i don't drive la. haha. i'd drive with the windows down if ada passenger yang membakar tembakau la. takkan nak tercekik asap bodow ke apa. i'd rather be the first hand smoker, it's more satisfying. *inhaleeeeeee*absorb the tar*exhaleeeeee*

20. Are you in love?__what's that? in love? no mahn. i'm in my room. in my pajamas. in a mild state of depression. in a constant turbulance of mixed emotions. in disarray. in a mess. in a rut. in a shithole. in feelings of dissappointment. in a mass of tangled wires. in a place where i can only imagine everything falls into place just the way i want it. in denial. in total and absolute stupidity.

********
ah that was fun innit. should get more of this things to do.and actually, i took like half an hour to do this.

>Pash.

*psst: perasan tak number 4 and 17 of the third part tak ada? not intentionally. i pun baru perasan.

Pada Aku dan Kamu

aku cuba lihat dimatamu
kalau ada bayangan wajahku
dan dalam pandangan itu
aku lihat kalau ada sinar cinta itu

apa yang ku cari ku nantikan ia
dalam senyumanmu
untuk kembalikan aku pada rasa
senang yang ada dihatiku

dalam pegangan tangan aku dan kamu
jika ada cita-cita yang terindah
mungkinkah dapat dikecapi angan-angan ku
jejaki langkah bersama kamu

dan yang teristimewa bagi ku
jika ku lihat di wajahmu ada aku
dan dalam jiwaku hanya ada kamu.

**********

sometimes mother tounge speaks more fluently.
i love how language plays so much in reflecting emotions.

>Pash.

Impatient. and so Stupid.

okay okay so i said i won't write till January but i really can't wait. i've had loads on my mind but the funny thing is now that i settle to putting it down i forget everything.
well not really forget, but everything's just such a jumbled mess, i can't really organise which to put down first. let's do this slowly, backtrack and retrace my mind steps to where it went and was heading.

i've really a very short memory span. i forget things, it just slips. i can be eating an apple one second, then i put it down on the table to get something, then i move on doing something else, and then when i pass the fruit basket and reach out for an apple i remember i left a half eaten one on the table. now i have to go find which table. *rolls eyes*

i was washing the dishes, looking out through the curtains to the road outside and i was thinking of something really controversial and awesome to write it up here but i don't remember what it was all about. i need raisins. orang tua-tua kata makan kismis boleh kuatkan ingatan. i do wonder how though. those little pieces of shrivelled grapes. better off in fruitcakes, or muffins. mom made a bunch of hazelnut cupcakes. i've been feeding on those things ever since.

i miss my old school friends and school. i miss buying 50 sen nasi lemak with sambal lebih. i miss all the bitching gossips at recess. i miss stuffing myself with chocolates from the koperasi. i miss my school uniform. i miss wearing my Reebok Classic to school. i miss bringing hot chocolate in a flask and tempting everyone around me with the delicious scent of chocolate everytime i take a sip during morning add math class. i miss skipping classes (why miss school then, you say?). for the fun and thrill of not getting caught. i was always getting myself plonked down in the uncomfortable chair of the Guru Kanan Hal Ehwal Murid's office. then sign the borang pengakuan kesalahan. i wonder how many of those i've managed to collect. i miss school so much that i don't remember how it looks like anymore. not in detail, at least.

see this is what happens when i forget what is it really that i wanted to write down. i start to babble about whatever that comes to mind.

i am listening to songs i haven't really listened to before this. like Anggun, Joss Stone, India Arie. it's weird you might think, but i like these jazz/soul songs are soothing to listen to. seriously, beyonce's not the only one with great vocals. and everything you hear on the Top 40 becomes boring and monotonous after a short while. a change in music tastes is good. gives the senses a different stimuli.

this is getting no where. i'm badgering on and on in the hopes of finally maybe that piece of memory would appear before me and i could actually write about that thing i was thinking about. but it's not coming. so there would be nothing else substantial for me to write except for things i did today and of other examples of my seemingly persistent short memory.

i'd do myself a favour and not worry too much about that lost bit of thought. trains are always on a track, they go forth and only back unless they crash or derail.


>Pash Rahim 241205

Degradation of Women (??)

listening to BEP's "My Humps", someone said it's a song degrading women. i wonder why though..is it because of it's provocative lyrics? or the way women's assets are lovingly addressed as 'humps'? i think otherwise. i say it's empowering. make a man drunk of a lady's humps. that's something to talk about. by the sheer feminity of womanhood, gets man on their feet and toes and at our back and call. how can that be degrading? power to the humps!

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

with new years' around the corner, everyone's in a festive mood. christmas and all it being. but what's there exactly to celebrate? it's just another excuse for capitalism to rear it's horns head on into excitement and rush people into obliging their consumerist selves.
ahh..but what a great occasion as an excuse. obliterate the remaining bits of last year as we dive into another year, in the guise of a new beginning. resolutions made, never met. the very practice of sending off the year in style and drunkeness, and it's the very same thing that welcomes the much awaited 'brand new year' of 'brand new things'. yeah roight~

how ironic. how most of us resolve to start off fresh for the new year, we actually end up with a hangover on the very first day of the beginning. first resolution dashed. strike one. hah! what's the use. it's never a beginning, we get closer to the ending with every new start.
the start of a new chapter brings you closer to the ending right? that's how it works in life, precisely. some of us live up to have 70 or 80 chapters. some only has 40 or so... but some don't even get past the first few pages. their stories were so short.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

shall continue when there's more. i'll return come January.


>Pash Rahim 131205

Eighteen.

E I G H T.
i love spelling eight. when i was in kindergarten and learning to spell numbers, eight was my favourite. maybe because it sounds nice. ee-aye-jee-etch-tee. eight. hehe~

what significance does being eighteen give me? i don't feel very much different now than i did a year ago when i turned 17.
fine, so if i was asked for my ID at Planet Hollywood's Sunday Nite Live, i'll pass. but i went last year and i passed anyway. my friend who was 19 at that time was asked to show her ID. hah!

sheesh. okay so i went out for lunch and a movie on my birthday. finally got to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. read the translated subtitles, "Harry Potter dan Gelas Berapi". i burst out laughing. the movie was not bad and oh, CEDRIC IS HAWT! HOT! sszzttt~
but i don't have Mike Newell in my good books for directing Harry Potter 4. he did a sloppy job. there were tonnes of loopholes in the movie and the whole story just didn't really flow all that well. but the CGI were amazing. totally realistic, although you know it's not real. the background were a tad bit still, like the castle grounds when Harry was being chased by the Hungarian Horntail. i also hated that Ron's and Hermione's character wasn't given much depth. Cho could have had more involvement, say bumping into Harry, or Harry daydreaming about Cho. something. all in all i'd say the whole movie was very rushed. i liked it because it was a Harry Potter movie, but i didn't really like it as a movie. i might add again that, CEDRIC IS HOT!

oh yes, let's talk about lunch.
Italiannies is awesome! they have the best pepperoni pizza ever! and their minestrone soup is simply mouth-watering. SEDAP GHILLER! i love their drinks, although i didn't try their cocktails. their slushies were soooooo sedaappp! omg. i must say, i hereby declare the Tiramisu at Italiannies is TO DIE FOR. i wouldn't eat two days to lose the fat i gained eating that sinful Tiramisu. and yes, i mean sinful. liquer makes so much difference between a Good and a Beyond slice of Tiramisu.
Carina told the big manager dude that it was my birthday so he had the crew sing me a birthday song. but before that, i had to stand on the chair. STAND ON THE CHAIR! and make a speech using the bottle of olive oil for a mic. great. and as i stood, the old chandelier just came to my head. thank god i didn't hit it. or it didn't hit me. either way..haha.. but the best part was that because i had allowed to be subjected to a bit of fun, i had the said sinful Tiramisu on the house! awesome! and it was so worth it. it really isn't that bad standing on a chair, at least you get everyone else's attention for what that 5 minutes of 'fame' was worth.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}


i got myself a pair of MNG shades. haha~ so typical. but it was sooooo cheap! i mean, 79 bucks for a pair of MNG shades is cheap okay. as far as my knowledge of eyewear prices go, a Gucci or Guess can cost at least RM600, a Dior is RM1000+, and a Ferragamo will put a RM1200 dent in your leather purse. MNG shades are a steal! sorry but i've never bought shades at MNG before, nor have i bothered even to check. but i saw the one that i bought, it fitted perfectly so i bought it on the spot. *grins*

i would have gone shoe shopping as well. but we were strapped for time. we were already late for the movie when i was buying the shades. and topshop has this awesome dress. i so have to buy it. next time around, next time around..

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

i'm looking forward to my next outing. my next night out. and my first Peach Bellini. i've been dying to get one since forever. oh, tell me when it's January.

Rapists and Dictators

i've always wondered why it is so hard for victims of rape and abuse to file a report to the authorities, especially when it involves incest. it has always been an issue of debate on why these cases are often left unreported until far too long. some say it may bring shame onto the families, some feel it may be because of a victim's fear for the perpetrator. but some may think it's too petty to be made a big deal of.
while all of us outside of that ordeal, may shudder at such an outrageous incident, cry foul over the perpetrator, express utmost horror, and want justice be done, the simple fact remains that in the minds of the victim, the perpetrator is still family. and blood runs deeper than anything else. it's too complicated a matter to deal with mere laws and constitutions. when emotions are involved, it goes beyond that.

~v~^~v~^~v~^~v~


to think of living almost 18 years of my life in foul words, bitterness and spite.
to think i grew up in this environment and would it make me foul, bitter, and spiteful?
for every word of disgust thrown at me, for every lash of a leather belt that hit me, for every clothes hanger that broke in two when it hit my body, for every moment that made me unwelcome. i've pulled through, i've grown through it, i'm here and standing where i am.
but for every smile you see, for every laugh you hear, the amount of pain i've endured doubles that. i didn't suffer through it. at no point of it had i ever really suffered, i endured it.
suffering was what i never experienced. though persevered through a lot, i certainly have.

patience is something i have taken for granted. i've been patient for most of my 18 years of life. i'm not one to resort to drastic measures and actions. i'm not one to aimlessly fight back. i'm not one to kick and scream to make myself heard. but does it make me weak? i've never felt stronger. i've never felt more power raging inside me. but i douse it with sheer patience. the time will come, i shall walk out of this with my head well on my shoulders, while leaving every speck of dirt behind.

much as i am firm and defensive of other things, arguing to justify my own believes and principles, i am timid, docile, and afraid to stand up to one person. not because i can't, but because i do not dare. i've never dared. because with every action i take, a bigger wrath awaits. a wrath that i dread to provoke. but then again, it is a wrath that needs no provocation.

of late, this source of anger has been irrational. she lashes out at every seeming opportunity. one where i can't figure what i might have done to invoke such madness. but i've done nothing wrong. and even if i had, it might as well have been an affair very much over and done with.
yet, this foul mouth chooses to recount every past mistake and error with the flavour of spiteness more cutting that a razor. for a person who claims to be so pious and pure of heart, she seems to me to be the foulest of all. God, for one, i am sure would not have been in the least pleased with this impromptu show of verbal insults. if there is a word more provocative than "insult" i would use it with a flair.

all these, uttered from the lips of the woman who supposedly helped bring me to life. it is not her who gave me life, for ultimately it is God to whom i owe my breaths. but for God to have chosen her to be my carrier, there must be something he wanted in return. for me to have lived almost 18 years in her hands, i feel as if it has done much injustice to the life i have been given.
i can only be thankful, that i am every inch so much different from her than i can ever be.
i can't bare the thought of being the next living example of her outrage. foul and spiteful as it is.

in my world, there is only myself, my father, my friends, and my brother.
in my life, there are many others whom i do not have the liberty of choosing which. she is one of them, with only a tinge of regret.

i hold tight to the words of my father, "do not be like her when you grow up."
i know what he means. i live everyday while i hold dear to my father's words. i am as every bit proud of being as much like my father as i can.
a man of rationale, a man of patience and wisdom. a man of kindness. a man who is only proud when it is deserving.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

no one really understands why i want to finish school, graduate and get a job as soon as i can. all of them told me to take my time, have fun while i'm still at it. pfft! roight~

there has never been any other moment when i see what i want, clearer than i see it now.
i have my own goals to score. to kick that ball right in between those goal posts.
i see myself standing where i want myself to be in the future. i know why i want this so much. for myself. it's so i can get away from pain, for most parts of my life.
so i could live the way i want, i don't have to be under the rule of a dictatorship maternal style.

my life does not imprison me. this is not jail. it's a f*cking Taliban state.
and the assasination of a dictator is for a greater good.

Fishes and the Ocean

fishing...err..

i have to constantly remind myself of what i'm going to write. because what i do is that normally, i've thought about what i'm going to write and then settle down to write it. but the thing is sometimes the thought doesn't hold fast to my memory and it slips so i have to step back and retrace that bit. *sigh* just too much on my mind sometimes.

i can only remember fishing. oh yes, and an engagement. okay i'm back. here we go.

old memories were refreshed when i was at my uncles house recently. he and my dad had somehow gotten into a conversation about fishes and fishing. literally, okay. no hanky-panky. so then he got out all his precious fishing gear and tackle box. damn. hardcore fishing enthusiast! there are certain tactics to fish, i've learnt. different types of reels, rods, and strings.
my uncle was telling us how he caught a few Siakap. oh, then i remembered the time i went fishing with my dad and his friend. it was boring at first, none of us got anything. after a while, my dad got one, his friend got one. i still had an empty pail. then by luck, i got one! yes, me. i was about 10 or 11 at that time. and it was a whopping 2.1kg Siakap. hah! i can catch fish.
listening to my uncle and dad tell fishing stories made me feel like i'd want to go out on another fishing trip soon. my uncle said he'd like to take me and my brother out fishing one day. awesome! a whole day out in the sun, on a boat in the middle of the sea. i can almost smell salt and seawater. i live just 5 minutes away from the sea and yet, i hardly go to the beach.
i'll wait for the fishing trip. quality time with my dad doing what we like.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+

engagement.

my uncle's nephew got engaged recently. he's only 24 and had started work only a few months. i wonder why get engaged at a very young age. no wait. that wasn't what i was wondering about actually. it was more of the length of time these two people have known each other.
5 years. since he was 19! and now he's 24 and they're engaged! phooey.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+

ocean vacation.

my infatuation with the sea goes deeper than the cliched "sun, sea, sand".
it's the mere vastness of the ocean, how it never seems to end, how it goes right to the edge of the horizon and you know there's more beyond.
the sea can be a body of calm and soothing water, but at a twist of fate, nature turns itself around and the oceans become devastating. the little waves you used to run after turns to engulf a whole town and leaves it wrecked.
the same ocean that gives fisherman their pay, turns upon them and chokes them in a storm.
the whole idea that something beyond beautiful can be as deadly as God demands it to be.

i hate my writing style today.

Svidish Times

ah. i had another day out shopping yesterday, but no blisters this time. i didn't spend any of my own money, or if i did, it wasn't enough for even half a blister to form. heheh~ (remember: a blister for every hundred that i spend)

purchase breakdown:
1) GLANSA lights
2) GLIS boxes
3) CLIPS frames

i got mom to pay for some things i wanted. should be good, for the time being. my birthday's coming soon so i thought i'd have my birthday requests met then. a zen neeon would be nice. that's what i can think of at the moment, besides a marc ecko watch but not so much of the watch really.

)()()()()()()()()(

i've a certain liking towards snakes. yes, shivers run through my bones but i'm fascinated by them. can i have one for a pet? a baby milk snake will do. i'd love to have a python but full grown one costs RM23k. hehe. yes, i see you frown.

nothing really interesting going on at the moment. i'm planning my 18th. catch more words to lock down as we come nearer to deadline.

Hopeless Kitchen Help

"kau jangan ikut cara mat salleh. mat salleh buat kerja selekeh."

err...not the typical stereotype, this was in the context of food preparation. ever watched one of those cooking shows where the cook seem to chop every thing up like a ninja and simply throw them into whatever that they're cooking? yes. those.
well i was helping mom in the kitchen, she told me to chop up some garnish for the soup. so that's exactly what i did, chop. then she said i was doing it wrong. that's when she uttered the phrase above. haih. i can't seem to do anything right by her standards. never. itu je la.


"yes, i scalded the water so u can boil the mee."

at retort to mom's question of whether i've "scalded the water yet." semua tgh kelam kabut nak siapkan food for the guests. sampai my mom cakap pun dah tak betul. obviously she was asking if the water had been boiled so we could scald the mee. but it came out jumbled, so i answered her in jest. even my brother burst out laughing. i was bringing out the plates, laughing and clutching my sides trying to tahan gelak!

i've an exam tomorrow, have to continue reading those Greek lectures notes.

Candy Colours

we should thank whoever it was who invented underwear in more colours than white. it makes shopping all the more fun and exciting. really, i ain't joking. i mean, come..u could spend hours finding the colors that suit u perfectly, mix and match, or you could do it the easy way and buy those that come in pairs. even then, you would want to buy those that will match whatever outfits you want to wear them with. plus, it makes it very appealing to look at. you know, those guys out there might just start cursing if we so much as even look in the direction of a boutique. but it's all that time and money we spend that gets them attracted, and keeps their attention. they won't admit it, but it's true.

*sigh*

i'm in a rut. i feel like i'm in a rut. this nagging pain at the back of my head and it tugs on my heart.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

i was watching my dad roll his own cigarette with tobacco. then my mind ran back to sometime ago, as i was reminded of the time back when i was in kelantan.
it was at this old shophouse. the ground floor had an ice making contraption. kilang ais la. the upstairs was a small makeshift jamming studio and the adjoining unit was where the owner and his family lived. he has a live band that does shows around the area.
so i was at this place, must've been after one of their shows or practice sessions. we were all sitting down, with kopi o and ciggies, talking bout politics (yeah, typical..) and cerita hantu in the wee hours of the morning. then one of the guys whipped out a plastic bag and started rolling tobacco into the infamous 'rokok daun'. needless to say, i was intrigued and didn't refuse when i was offered one. initially they were sceptical bout letting a girl like me take one, but after one confident puff, all fears erased. they even rolled me a second. and the fourth one rolled with newspaper! that was shyte i'm telling ya. got woozy like hell then the guy said it's bedtime for me. i couldn't carry my own head on my shoulders.
so watching my dad just now that something just hit me. it wasn't just plain tobacco i had back then. i was fecking weed and i didn't even know it. those guys wouldnt just be carrying plain tobacco around, they've enough sticks for a horse. and i dont get woozy on cigs mind you.
my resolution to stay clear of that particular substance - dashed.
but at least now i know i can. hah.

Bruised Elbows.

i'm supposed to be studying for an exam i have on monday. but, shyte. pieces of photocopied paper can't hold my attention for very long. especially when the contents are a horrible jumbled mess of grammatical and structural errors, trying to convey some sort of information about the "conventional guidelines to weeding." one of the said guidelines is, "collection should be kept absolutely infect. books represented the accumulated recorded written heritage of civilization". what the feck??
i'm talking about incomprehensible lecture notes here people! the very thing we're supposed to be reading in preparation for exams. but because i'm smart, i get a vague picture of what it's all about. (note: vague) but what happens to those who don't have a decent basic grasp of advanced vocabulary? this is what our education providers give us. this is what we have to put up with. incompetence. *smirks*

oh and of late, i've been bumping into walls a lot. i wonder how that could happen. apparently my body has this attachment with the walls? a few bruises here and there. fortunately my head hasn't found a fondness towards the walls. i'd be zonked. maybe i need me one of those sensors they put on cars, it beeps when you get too close to an obstruction while reversing. ya know? hahaha~

quite recently my 8 year old cousin asked me what a Beemer is. reaaalll cutesy like, "Pasha what's a Beeeemerrr?" well i said, it's a pet name for BMWs. the thing is, she's been riding in Beemers and Mercs since the day she ever breathed air! never known the interiors of any other car. she's sent to school in a Beemer. and she asks me what a Beemer is, the one who had rode in a Peugeot in the early 90s, a Honda mid-90s, and now rides in an Audi. roite~

short attention spans. i demand attention. because i believe i deserve it. hello? are u there? you've been distant these past weeks. where've you gone to? hello?

bliss(ter)-ful day

if u dont get the title, i dont know how else to put it. u're just not 'gurl savvy' baybeh.

i had some awesome fun today. i went shopping, and i didn't just get the things that i bought, but i also got 3 blisters, one for every hundred that i spent. and no, that's not the fun part.
the fun part was, well, shopping of course! and yes, finally had the 'kwality thaing' with my abg syg: Nas. and his gurlfwen Mims.

a breakdown of wut i gone got myself. in order, mind you.
1) little black heels
2) jersey top
3) under thingies. *haha
4) bottle of perfume
5) tube of gloss
6) a zipper case

is that all....yes, i think that's all...

*_*_*_*_*_*

i've realised that i'm a person who cannot be left alone in a shopping mall lest i end up overspending and with more blisters than i can handle.
i walk in and out of shops, eyeing and buying everything as far as my cash can stretch. such a spendthrift, i am. but the thing is, i actually use what i buy. unlike the stereotyped self-professed shopoholics who buy but at the end of the day just stuffs the things to the back of the closet. such a waste i say.

i also discovered that i'm a person of surerity. is there such a word? i mean, assurance..'sure-ness', that's what i mean. you get the picture.
i hate just hanging around doing nothing, so ironically, i fill up my time while emptying my cordouroy purse. that's in one situation.
in another, i hate the feeling of being unsure. unsure of what's happening, unsure of what's to come. unsure of statuses of certain things. so i decide not to bother at all. just turn a blind eye, deaf ear, heartless, impassionate, like i don't care. but i do. but ignoring these feelings completely seem to be working. for now, until i unknowingly find myself to be actually quite bothered by it, really. then the whole rush of emotions, yada yada. ("typical girl", i hear u mumble..)

can't i just have the answers to some questions immediately? yes, no. simple. fine, so maybe the 'yesses' will come with some 'buts'..the 'nos' will come with their own 'buts'..regardless, the 'buts' are of second concern which is why it's "yes/no" then "but..."

Scores.

aiyoh. forgot what i was going to write. getting a bit woozy up in the memory departments. them brain cells not doing their jobs right.

bosan la. i need to get a job. or something. shaishhhh~

okay okay. here's something.

well...actually. there's nothing really. i can't really think of anything besides when's the time i'm gonna squeeze in some baking action, show me skills at the machine called 'oven'...
shyte..i've a test tomorrow. exam actually. what's the friggin difference it makes? still bugs me as much as it will the average victim of the malaysian education system. it sucks. yes. but still, most of us are the result and product of the said education system.
nahhh...i ain't gon be all political now. someone might just sue me, my big mouth, and my ass.

i'm gonna hustle hustle. i'm the supa hustla.

*pash dah start merapu dah ni*

>pash

i used to be able to write pretty easily. but it seems as if the words that form in my head wont flow out into sentences as seamlessly as it used to. i would think of something and decide to write it down, but when i settle to writing it then my head just goes blank. awesome. *rolls eyes*
there seems to be lots on my mind these days that drifts me away at times when others are normally enjoying some sort of social activity or other. alright, so the most recent glitch in my life would be when i missed the selections for Worlds' and Royals' Debate Tournament. bummer. i could have gone, i could have had someone kidnap me or something. bundle me up in a carpet and stuff me into the boot of a car till i got to selections safely. damn. i just didnt have the will to fight. fine, blame it on me. i didnt argue it with my parents about letting me go. pretty ironic really, since i could have debated it. debating my way into being able to go for debates. hah. i just couldnt, didnt want to go through hours of arguing and trying in vain to get myself heard above my mother without having to practically yell, and then be lashed out at for being rude. wtf?? nah...i'd rather just shut up. i've missed my second Worlds' debate, and i hate myself for it. (i missed the first one coz i didnt make the cut, so i thought i'd make it this time) i've lost all hope. lost the zest. lost it. still very passionate about it, yes. but considering the level at which i'm at, and the rate at which i'm supposedly progressing, i dont see myself going anywhere far. i've no motivation. i've no encouragement. not from my parents, not from my brother. shyte. since when has he ever been supportive of what i do. dad seems obliging. fair enough(?). mom couldnt care less. she only ever bothers making noise when i've to go for training on friday night but she wants to go back home to Sepang. that's about it. i feel like i'm not cut out for this. ugh. the feeling disgusts me.
i'd be better off doing something that requires less neurons. really. as smart as some people think i am (hah!) i like to see myself as the typical teenage airhead with possibly 90% less air than your average typical teenage airhead. hee~ see what i mean? *grins* would rather be constantly obsessed with the latest hair cut and color, if blonde streaks or bayalage would look better...is sharp black eyeliner or smudged charcoal the 'it' look...you know, the works. *pauses* but then, that wouldnt work either. i'm not exactly style queen. i suck at clothes. seriously. *cracks knuckles* what else shall we talk about...*ponders*

my current obsession with this song, "It's The End Of The World" not very sure by whom, but it might be The Carpenters. been looking for it for awhile, since watching Girl, Interrupted. finally got it off limewire. fine, so i'm an internet pirate. sue me. wait, i can be sued. shyte. it's such a depressing song. fitting, really. considering it's the soundtrack of a movie about mentally unstable people. far from being retards, they're just a bit messed up. personality disorders, eating disorders. *sigh

i'm running out of things to talk about. cant blame me, really. nothing ever happens in my life. ever. it's very subdued, monotonous, still. until i find some more boring things to write about.

>pash

broken and messed up.

i do wonder. sometimes. all the time. most of the time.
why i'm so messed up. or why things just get messed up. when damn it all seems so gravy.
it's just me, i'm cursed. haha~