aku tak faham kenapa pemandu-pemandu di Malaysia ni tak reti nak pasang lampu ketika memandu sewaktu hujan lebat. HOI KAU INGAT KERETA KAU KEBAL? KALAU ORANG LANGGAR KERETA KAU, SIAPA YANG SALAH? KAU TAK PASANG LAMPU, MANA ORANG NAK NAMPAK KERETA KAU? bodoh. mungkin la kau rasa kau ada perfect vision, tapi kalau hujan dah lebat macam babi jatuh bergolek dari langit visibility memang tak lebih dari 3 meter kan. nombor plat kereta depan kau pun tak tentu boleh nampak dengan jelas. jadi kalau kau nak tukar laluan dan kereta depan atau sebelah kau tak perasan, kau jangan naik angin nak bunyikan hon pulak ya. PASANG LAMPU KERETA KAU.
selamat la kalau kau tak jadi mangsa kena langgar. tapi kalau kena, padan muka. aku siap suluh lampu kat muka kau.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Penghabisan
cinta terhebat terjadi hanya sekali. sekalipun kau rasa ia berulang, namun hakikatnya perasaan tak akan membohongi diri. cuma minda yang memikirkan, mencuba memberitahu bahawa setiap cinta itu hebat secara sendirinya. memang setiap cinta itu punya kehebatan tersendiri, rasa yang berlainan, pengalaman yang membuat kau lebih matang dan berupaya meletakkan kau sebagai seorang yang telah sekali lagi merasai cinta. tapi cinta terhebat, yang teratas, yang paling dikagumi, berlaku hanya sekali. cuma kau yang tak sedari.
perasaan yang bawa kau terbang dari hujung satu dunia ke hujung satu dunia yang lain. dari penjuru ke pejuru, dari tiap sudut ke satu sudut yang lain, segenap jiwa dan raga. cinta terhebat cuma satu.
buat kali terakhirnya, kau buat aku merasa seribu satu emosi dalam kiraan detik yang bagaikan tiada penghabisan. buat kali terakhirnya, kau buat aku menitis air mata kemudian senyum, gelak, ketawa, dan kembali pedih. cuma kau yang mampu membuat demikian. kali ini, buat yang terakhirnya. benci jauh sekali, walaupun dibuang jauh dari hati dan diri, benci itu perasaan paling jauh sekali. fahamlah bahawa sayang itu mungkin rindu, tak bermaksud ingin kembali tetapi mengingat saat waktu-waktu dilalui. aku bukan kejam, bukan mahu kau bergantung pada harapan. kerana aku pernah merasa. tidak pernah sekalipun aku mahukan kau sakit, lebih lagi kerana berpegang kepada cinta. bukan cinta sebarangan.
cinta terhebat.
ia terjadi hanya sekali.
dan buat terakhir kalinya.
***
kau bisa pegang hati ini dalam tangan
tapi yang merasa isinya cuma jiwa
perasaan yang bawa kau terbang dari hujung satu dunia ke hujung satu dunia yang lain. dari penjuru ke pejuru, dari tiap sudut ke satu sudut yang lain, segenap jiwa dan raga. cinta terhebat cuma satu.
buat kali terakhirnya, kau buat aku merasa seribu satu emosi dalam kiraan detik yang bagaikan tiada penghabisan. buat kali terakhirnya, kau buat aku menitis air mata kemudian senyum, gelak, ketawa, dan kembali pedih. cuma kau yang mampu membuat demikian. kali ini, buat yang terakhirnya. benci jauh sekali, walaupun dibuang jauh dari hati dan diri, benci itu perasaan paling jauh sekali. fahamlah bahawa sayang itu mungkin rindu, tak bermaksud ingin kembali tetapi mengingat saat waktu-waktu dilalui. aku bukan kejam, bukan mahu kau bergantung pada harapan. kerana aku pernah merasa. tidak pernah sekalipun aku mahukan kau sakit, lebih lagi kerana berpegang kepada cinta. bukan cinta sebarangan.
cinta terhebat.
ia terjadi hanya sekali.
dan buat terakhir kalinya.
***
kau bisa pegang hati ini dalam tangan
tapi yang merasa isinya cuma jiwa
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Uhmpf
mula lagi title blog monosyllabic macam dulu. =)
lambat sikit nak ucap selamat menyambut bulan ramadhan. sedar tak sedar dah seminggu berpuasa. apa significance of this year's ramadhan? entahlah. tak difikirkan sangat. belum difikirkan. tahun ini puasa lain sikit. bukan sebab tak bersama keluarga, dulu waktu di johor pun puasa sendiri. cuma ada kawan-kawan. tahun ini kerja pula. puasa lebih cabaran, tambah pula orang-orang sepejabat semua bukan beragama Islam. tak terasa berjuang bersama-sama nak menahan lapar, tahan perasaan marah, tak puas hati, geram...biasalah, waktu berpuasa ni perkara remeh-temeh boleh jadi dugaan paling besar. kalau selalunya tidak diendahkan sangat, waktu puasa rasa macam nak disiat-siat tapi sabar. itu memang tujuan berpuasa kan. kali ini memang terasa tercabar berpuasa. tak apa lah. diamkan sahaja, nak diperbesarkan pun buat apa.
rindu berbuka bersama keluarga. kena paksa pergi solat terawikh. tapi rasa puas hati bila pergi. buka dengan buah kurma, makan sikit. lepas balik dari masjid baru sambung makan lagi. sekarang ni penat. balik dari kerja penat. hm.
it's been a week since the fasting month and it was only yesterday that i had my first ramadhan craving. in previous years it used to be ayam percik, nasi kerabu, tau foo fah...this time is the very simple, very easily forgotten kek batik. it's something you don't even remember until you see it and then you're like, "omg! dah lama tak makan ni!" right? well yeah, i crave kek batik. but it's not easy to find a really good one. which is funny because it's a really simple thing to make. i guess the best kek batik is still the one you make yourself. coz you decide how much chocolate you put in, how chewy or chrunchy you want it to be...imagine kek batik and a dollop of ice cream on it. oooh.
and at this moment, i want iced tebu. a whole big ass jug of it. drool.
aku mahu pulang. puasa dengan ma and daddy. kena marah sebab set meja lambat. tunggu buka puasa sambil tenung gelas air. makan kurma macam makan kacang. mama masak. malas nak pergi terawikh, tapi paksa diri pergi jugak. bangun sahur, mengantuk tersengguk-sengguk nak makan. sambung tidur balik sebelum kena paksa bangun lagi solat subuh. haih. bila lagi...sekarang ni dah hidup sendiri. kesian ma and daddy, buka and sahur berdua je. anak-anak dua orang langsung tak boleh harap. entah bila nak balik buka bersama.
aku takut sebab dah kerja ni, nanti raya pun tak dapat cuti lama. harap la dapat seminggu pertama nak pergi ziarah keluarga dan saudara. aah.
lambat sikit nak ucap selamat menyambut bulan ramadhan. sedar tak sedar dah seminggu berpuasa. apa significance of this year's ramadhan? entahlah. tak difikirkan sangat. belum difikirkan. tahun ini puasa lain sikit. bukan sebab tak bersama keluarga, dulu waktu di johor pun puasa sendiri. cuma ada kawan-kawan. tahun ini kerja pula. puasa lebih cabaran, tambah pula orang-orang sepejabat semua bukan beragama Islam. tak terasa berjuang bersama-sama nak menahan lapar, tahan perasaan marah, tak puas hati, geram...biasalah, waktu berpuasa ni perkara remeh-temeh boleh jadi dugaan paling besar. kalau selalunya tidak diendahkan sangat, waktu puasa rasa macam nak disiat-siat tapi sabar. itu memang tujuan berpuasa kan. kali ini memang terasa tercabar berpuasa. tak apa lah. diamkan sahaja, nak diperbesarkan pun buat apa.
rindu berbuka bersama keluarga. kena paksa pergi solat terawikh. tapi rasa puas hati bila pergi. buka dengan buah kurma, makan sikit. lepas balik dari masjid baru sambung makan lagi. sekarang ni penat. balik dari kerja penat. hm.
it's been a week since the fasting month and it was only yesterday that i had my first ramadhan craving. in previous years it used to be ayam percik, nasi kerabu, tau foo fah...this time is the very simple, very easily forgotten kek batik. it's something you don't even remember until you see it and then you're like, "omg! dah lama tak makan ni!" right? well yeah, i crave kek batik. but it's not easy to find a really good one. which is funny because it's a really simple thing to make. i guess the best kek batik is still the one you make yourself. coz you decide how much chocolate you put in, how chewy or chrunchy you want it to be...imagine kek batik and a dollop of ice cream on it. oooh.
and at this moment, i want iced tebu. a whole big ass jug of it. drool.
aku mahu pulang. puasa dengan ma and daddy. kena marah sebab set meja lambat. tunggu buka puasa sambil tenung gelas air. makan kurma macam makan kacang. mama masak. malas nak pergi terawikh, tapi paksa diri pergi jugak. bangun sahur, mengantuk tersengguk-sengguk nak makan. sambung tidur balik sebelum kena paksa bangun lagi solat subuh. haih. bila lagi...sekarang ni dah hidup sendiri. kesian ma and daddy, buka and sahur berdua je. anak-anak dua orang langsung tak boleh harap. entah bila nak balik buka bersama.
aku takut sebab dah kerja ni, nanti raya pun tak dapat cuti lama. harap la dapat seminggu pertama nak pergi ziarah keluarga dan saudara. aah.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Swimming Cats
Kucing dalam air. Pelik betul mimpi aku malam tadi. Anak kucing parsi 6 ekor, dalam akuarium penuh air sedang tidur. tak lemas pun tapi macam ikan. aku mimpi lagi aku punya kuasa ajaib, boleh jadi halimunan. hebat.
my days are becoming more exciting. not that i know what's going to happen next or what's been planned, but i feel like there will be things that might just pop up without me realising it. and i'm actually looking forward to it. my weekend has been pleasant, to say the least. it was a lazy weekend, one that i appreciated all the more since all my weekends has been taken up by work in the past month or so. it was a step-by-step walk, like a stroll in the park. with nothing to rush for nor anything rushing me. (thank you, i enjoyed my time with you.)
while i still have memory flashbacks and pent-up anger, dissappointment, a tiny speck of hope...i also have a renewed outlook, refreshed like cold water splashed in the morning. maybe things are looking up.
strawberry cheesecake ice cream? :)
my days are becoming more exciting. not that i know what's going to happen next or what's been planned, but i feel like there will be things that might just pop up without me realising it. and i'm actually looking forward to it. my weekend has been pleasant, to say the least. it was a lazy weekend, one that i appreciated all the more since all my weekends has been taken up by work in the past month or so. it was a step-by-step walk, like a stroll in the park. with nothing to rush for nor anything rushing me. (thank you, i enjoyed my time with you.)
while i still have memory flashbacks and pent-up anger, dissappointment, a tiny speck of hope...i also have a renewed outlook, refreshed like cold water splashed in the morning. maybe things are looking up.
strawberry cheesecake ice cream? :)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Kipas Kertas
hidup akhir-akhir ini kebosanan. kerja, penat. pulang dari kerja, penat. keluar jumpa rakan-rakan, penat. semakin jauh aku rasa dari mereka. sudah lama tak jumpa, janji mahu nonton bersama tapi sering ubah rancangan di saat akhir. aku rasa macam orang yang janjinya tidak boleh dipercaya. maaflah, bukan sengaja. tapi badan ini kalau larat serata mana sahaja aku pergi berjumpa rakan-rakan disana-sini. cuma sekarang ini yang enak cuma tidur. tidur yang panjang, tak diusik siapa-siapa atau apa-apa. aku lebih suka bersendirian, ditemani angin dan hati yang ingin bicara. tapi tiada siapa yang ada mungkin bisa fahami kata-kata. aku banyak berfikir sekarang ni, tentang apa aku pun tak tahu. yang aku tahu tak ramai akan faham atau mungkin lebih lagi akan bingung. kenapa agaknya dia ni, mereka fikir.
mencari teman tapi tiada yang boleh menemami. bukan sekadar hadir satu jasad atau diri tapi ditemani satu emosi atau perasaan yang memahami tanpa perlu kata-kata, cuma pandangan dari mata yang menyulam rasa hati menjadi perkataan tak terucap tapi mengerti. satu hubungan yang jauh lebih bererti dari jari-jari bersentuhan tangan saling bergenggaman. lebih dari zahir, jiwa ini ingin dimengerti. sudah lama berbicara pada diri, terasa mahu berbicara pada orang pula.
tapi seolah sesuatu yang tak memberi, semakin ramai ku temu yang tak ku cari datang menghadiri namun semua ku tolak seperti kutub saling bertentangan. sesuatu yang masih tidak lagi sempurna, satu hubungan yang tidak dapat dicipta. akhirnya, aku bersendiri sahaja. dilayankan juga, kesian nanti difikir sombong tapi aku tak ingin bermuka-muka. kalau tak hendak katakan sahaja. tidak ada salahnya, hati sudah bilang begitu, maka begitu lah. jangan dipaksa-paksa.
iyalah, kalau ditanya pada naluri memang enak perasaan itu kalau dapat hadir lagi. tapi seolah sudah bodoh, tidak tahu lagi bagaimana harus merasai. kalau perasaan itu hadir tapi tidak dapat dikenalpasti lalu ditepis tanpa disedari. sayang...nak buat macam mana lagi kalau sering sahaja ditolak ketepi. langkah kehadapan lagi, temui lagi dan lagi tanpa henti. selepas seorang, satu persatu berulang lagi. aku minta maaf lah kalau tak dihiraukan, aku tak tahu bagaimana lagi. kalau terjadi, maka terjadi lah. kalau tidak anggap itu hanya menumpang laluan ingin pergi ke lain destinasi.
datang lah lagi, hadir lagi dalam hidup ini. aku dah lama tunggu, cuma satu sahaja yang aku tak mahu. bukan yang satu itu, bukan kau. tolong lah, aku dah cukup penat berulang-alik, terkotak-katik dek kerana engkau. lepaskan aku mahu rasa terbang, yang boleh bawa aku ke awan.
sempurna atau tidak aku akan fikir kemudian. aku cuma ingin warna-warna, terang, corak yang menarik berputar-putar seperti kipas kertas ditiup angin.
mencari teman tapi tiada yang boleh menemami. bukan sekadar hadir satu jasad atau diri tapi ditemani satu emosi atau perasaan yang memahami tanpa perlu kata-kata, cuma pandangan dari mata yang menyulam rasa hati menjadi perkataan tak terucap tapi mengerti. satu hubungan yang jauh lebih bererti dari jari-jari bersentuhan tangan saling bergenggaman. lebih dari zahir, jiwa ini ingin dimengerti. sudah lama berbicara pada diri, terasa mahu berbicara pada orang pula.
tapi seolah sesuatu yang tak memberi, semakin ramai ku temu yang tak ku cari datang menghadiri namun semua ku tolak seperti kutub saling bertentangan. sesuatu yang masih tidak lagi sempurna, satu hubungan yang tidak dapat dicipta. akhirnya, aku bersendiri sahaja. dilayankan juga, kesian nanti difikir sombong tapi aku tak ingin bermuka-muka. kalau tak hendak katakan sahaja. tidak ada salahnya, hati sudah bilang begitu, maka begitu lah. jangan dipaksa-paksa.
iyalah, kalau ditanya pada naluri memang enak perasaan itu kalau dapat hadir lagi. tapi seolah sudah bodoh, tidak tahu lagi bagaimana harus merasai. kalau perasaan itu hadir tapi tidak dapat dikenalpasti lalu ditepis tanpa disedari. sayang...nak buat macam mana lagi kalau sering sahaja ditolak ketepi. langkah kehadapan lagi, temui lagi dan lagi tanpa henti. selepas seorang, satu persatu berulang lagi. aku minta maaf lah kalau tak dihiraukan, aku tak tahu bagaimana lagi. kalau terjadi, maka terjadi lah. kalau tidak anggap itu hanya menumpang laluan ingin pergi ke lain destinasi.
datang lah lagi, hadir lagi dalam hidup ini. aku dah lama tunggu, cuma satu sahaja yang aku tak mahu. bukan yang satu itu, bukan kau. tolong lah, aku dah cukup penat berulang-alik, terkotak-katik dek kerana engkau. lepaskan aku mahu rasa terbang, yang boleh bawa aku ke awan.
sempurna atau tidak aku akan fikir kemudian. aku cuma ingin warna-warna, terang, corak yang menarik berputar-putar seperti kipas kertas ditiup angin.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Selamat Malam
pagi ini suram
matahari tenggelam
awan berarak mendung kelam
yang gelap tetap gelap
terang jadi malap
mata, lelap.
hati, mengharap.
selamat malam.
matahari tenggelam
awan berarak mendung kelam
yang gelap tetap gelap
terang jadi malap
mata, lelap.
hati, mengharap.
selamat malam.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Shoot Me Down
Dear Pash,
Here is your single's love horoscope for Thursday, July 3:
If everyone you go on dates with seem to be a long string of letdowns, perhaps your ideals need readjusting. Don't ditch all your ethics, but take a long look at your current principles to see if they're out of touch.
err... my ideals need adjusting? my principles are out of touch? dear lord. my ideals are just fine, seriously. i'm not 152 years old, and it's not as if i'm looking for the local equivalent of Prince William Arthur Philip Louis! it's not as if i'm even actually looking! but really, since recently my dates have been a series of letdowns. i'm considering broadening my horizons. asexuality maybe? har har.
cupcakes for cupcake's birthday?
Friday, June 20, 2008
If I Could Talk To You
i was so in love with you. despite the fact that we were different, it didn't matter to me. and i thought it didn't matter to you either. what was important was what i felt being with you, how we felt being together. those rare moments that i had with you, the little time that i had spent with you. you swept me completely off my feet, and i was smitten. you told me i amazed you, i thought it was the other way around. i told you i adored you, you admitted the same. that feeling was crazy, how i'd smile to myself everytime i got a text message from you. my friends would think i'd gone insane. perhaps a bit. it's as if i would float above the clouds, that euphoria washing over me.
i miss that feeling, and i'm thinking how lucky whoever it is that's feeling that way right now and having you feel the same for her. i can't say i don't envy her. i might just pull her hair out. humans are jealous creatures, and i am only human. but it only goes to show how much i was in love with you.
i've slowly recovered from the shock of learning that you're dating someone new. painful the process was, agonizing to say the least. i was a wretched mess. "a more realistic option", you said when i asked you why. i still don't know what you mean by that. i've made my own assumption since. but i didn't know it was our difference that made you look away. if it was the only reason that made you look away. if so, it was something we could've talked about. everything else seemed perfect. "i think our hands fit perfect, so do our heartbeats. i think our bodies would too." you were clever with words, not exactly a surprise considering it was your forte. and trust me, you would blow me away everytime. everytime.
i saw it happening, me and you. you did too. "i could really see myself growing old with you." how would a girl feel to have a man she's fallen head over heels for say those words to her. it's not something i would take very lightly. my only hope is that you really meant it when you said it. it felt good to know that someone would go the distance with you, save the fact that the journey didn't really kick off.
i know i'm not really over you. not quite. and the fact that i'd bump into you now and again at random places, i'll never really get over you. not really. so many "what ifs", all of which i'll never know the answer to. but i'm taking one step ahead at a time. looking back over my shoulder once in a while just to see if maybe, just maybe...
i miss you.
and you still owe me a painting.
i miss that feeling, and i'm thinking how lucky whoever it is that's feeling that way right now and having you feel the same for her. i can't say i don't envy her. i might just pull her hair out. humans are jealous creatures, and i am only human. but it only goes to show how much i was in love with you.
i've slowly recovered from the shock of learning that you're dating someone new. painful the process was, agonizing to say the least. i was a wretched mess. "a more realistic option", you said when i asked you why. i still don't know what you mean by that. i've made my own assumption since. but i didn't know it was our difference that made you look away. if it was the only reason that made you look away. if so, it was something we could've talked about. everything else seemed perfect. "i think our hands fit perfect, so do our heartbeats. i think our bodies would too." you were clever with words, not exactly a surprise considering it was your forte. and trust me, you would blow me away everytime. everytime.
i saw it happening, me and you. you did too. "i could really see myself growing old with you." how would a girl feel to have a man she's fallen head over heels for say those words to her. it's not something i would take very lightly. my only hope is that you really meant it when you said it. it felt good to know that someone would go the distance with you, save the fact that the journey didn't really kick off.
i know i'm not really over you. not quite. and the fact that i'd bump into you now and again at random places, i'll never really get over you. not really. so many "what ifs", all of which i'll never know the answer to. but i'm taking one step ahead at a time. looking back over my shoulder once in a while just to see if maybe, just maybe...
i miss you.
and you still owe me a painting.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Puisi Aku Dilagu
puisi aku tajuknya "Khabarkan Pada Angin" sudah jadi lagu. melodi dan susunan bukan aku yang buat. aku cuma tuan punya lirik dan setiap perkataan dalam lagu itu. setiap emosi dan ekspresi dalam lagu itu, setiap detik hati dan perasaan, setiap yang aku tulis saat puisi itu aku cipta adalah gambaran jiwa aku pada waktu itu. puisi itu dah lama aku tulis, bulan julai 2005. dan aku pernah baca waktu layar tanchap kolaborasi pada bulan januari 2007 kalau tak silap.
kalau nak dengar, Luscious yang nyanyi. lagu ini pun ada digunakan sebagai soundtrack drama Sindarela di TV3. cari lah di youtube, episod 13 kalau tak silap.
khabarkan pada angin.
kalau nak dengar, Luscious yang nyanyi. lagu ini pun ada digunakan sebagai soundtrack drama Sindarela di TV3. cari lah di youtube, episod 13 kalau tak silap.
khabarkan pada angin.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Bilang Aku Suka
Aku pandang kamu
Wajah dan gelagat
Kemeja warna biru
Anak mata cokelat
Pelik bila aku terfikir sendiri, duduk seorang sambil mengelamun. Tiba-tiba tersenyum. Ada apa? Nanti orang bilang aku gila. Tapi sebenarnya suka. Kelakar pun ada. Bukannya aku mahu sangat. Mungkin. Tapi bikin bingung saja. Kalau hendak dibuat cerita, macam-macam aku boleh cakap. Bicara, aksi, ekspresi... Ada apa?
Sudah lama tak merasa
Melonjak-lonjak bagai gembira
Apa itu rasa?
Cukup sekadar aku sahaja
Pudar jingga merah padam
Biru halus kuning hangat
Warna pelangi perak kilat
Hijau damaikan hati kelam
Janganlah dicuri lagi. Aku kurang gemar. Bukan tak suka, tak tahu. Mungkin, tapi malas. Kenapa? Celaru. Ribut lah, seperti digoncang bahu aku. Kepala bergegar. Jatuh, pandang ke atas tak mahu bangun. Calar balar. Habis. Darah pun tak. Pedih.
Aku suka.
Kau siapa?
Jangan pegang. Sentuh pun tidak. Takut. Tapi sudah tergesel sikit. Tepis pun tidak.
Macam mana?
Aku suka.
Wajah dan gelagat
Kemeja warna biru
Anak mata cokelat
Pelik bila aku terfikir sendiri, duduk seorang sambil mengelamun. Tiba-tiba tersenyum. Ada apa? Nanti orang bilang aku gila. Tapi sebenarnya suka. Kelakar pun ada. Bukannya aku mahu sangat. Mungkin. Tapi bikin bingung saja. Kalau hendak dibuat cerita, macam-macam aku boleh cakap. Bicara, aksi, ekspresi... Ada apa?
Sudah lama tak merasa
Melonjak-lonjak bagai gembira
Apa itu rasa?
Cukup sekadar aku sahaja
Pudar jingga merah padam
Biru halus kuning hangat
Warna pelangi perak kilat
Hijau damaikan hati kelam
Janganlah dicuri lagi. Aku kurang gemar. Bukan tak suka, tak tahu. Mungkin, tapi malas. Kenapa? Celaru. Ribut lah, seperti digoncang bahu aku. Kepala bergegar. Jatuh, pandang ke atas tak mahu bangun. Calar balar. Habis. Darah pun tak. Pedih.
Aku suka.
Kau siapa?
Jangan pegang. Sentuh pun tidak. Takut. Tapi sudah tergesel sikit. Tepis pun tidak.
Macam mana?
Aku suka.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Jigglypuff
yeah, so the title's random. but actually, it's a pokemon character. jigglypuff, the one that sings people to sleep and then scribbles the faces with a black marker coz it gets angry that people are falling asleep? yeah? no? oh well. (google it, dude...)
anyway, unity concert is this friday and listen is the day after. I AM FREAKING OUT! i swear, i haven't memorized half of my lyrics and that's NOT a good thing. the last time i performed and forgot my lyrics, i choked on stage. and then i cried because of how stupid i was. trust me, that's the last thing i want to happen. this saturday is serious, maaang! it's like my first 'big' show. it's also one that i'm co-organizing with a friend. so yeah, you can say it's like carrying a whole sack of potatoes on my shoulders and having to do squats. (again, random...)
i'm really excited though. i've got practices this week, 4 solid hours of rehearsing the full routine. rapping, singing, choreography...everything. you watch people practice for shows and you think it's easy right? you think you can do it too right? you think you can do better right? WRONG! you so don't know what it's like to be singing and dancing at the same time. so please, the next time you see those reality things on the telly and you think they suck; bitch you don't know better.
anyway, unity concert is this friday and listen is the day after. I AM FREAKING OUT! i swear, i haven't memorized half of my lyrics and that's NOT a good thing. the last time i performed and forgot my lyrics, i choked on stage. and then i cried because of how stupid i was. trust me, that's the last thing i want to happen. this saturday is serious, maaang! it's like my first 'big' show. it's also one that i'm co-organizing with a friend. so yeah, you can say it's like carrying a whole sack of potatoes on my shoulders and having to do squats. (again, random...)
i'm really excited though. i've got practices this week, 4 solid hours of rehearsing the full routine. rapping, singing, choreography...everything. you watch people practice for shows and you think it's easy right? you think you can do it too right? you think you can do better right? WRONG! you so don't know what it's like to be singing and dancing at the same time. so please, the next time you see those reality things on the telly and you think they suck; bitch you don't know better.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Puff Puff
you've been checkin in and there hasn't been any updates? i haven't been writing. coz life's moving way too fast for me to take a step back and write about it. shit's been happening and then it takes a u-turn, goes the other way around. crazy shit.
too much going on. too much to think about my head's like in a whirlpool. like i'm in a washing machine on spin and it won't stop. maybe i should take a break and step away from the madness. this is 2008, it was dragging along and all of a sudden it's March? woah. i only noticed that it's been zooming past me when one moment it's February and now it's 3 weeks to my show at Bojangles. double U, tee, eff. seriously. where did all that time go? i'm rushing to meet deadlines, i've got papers to submit that's long overdue. i hate writing papers. writing is not something i do because i have to. writing is leisurely activity for me. so when i have to write about something i'm not even remotely interested in, it saps the energy out of me and i go like, blah. no drive, no motivation. like, whaddafak. and imagine another 3 years going through the same shit over and again. school sucks. i need to readjust my views. i've got my priorities all jumbled up. no, wait. i DON'T have any priorities. now that's messed up. i gotta focus, mayn. how come brains don't come with an auto-focus function. urgh.
i gotta get into perspective. get my head straight. straight up to the beeline like chalk on the sidewalk, nose to the grindstone get the books back on the right shelf. dude, i'm rambling. i need a whack on the head. why do i feel like i'm in a hurricane. like, wha? whaddoido, wheredoigo, whaszatonthefloor...i been thinking about a lot of things but the funny thing is, i don't know what. some part of it is something about school work. then another part will be about the show, a little corner of my brain will be screaming out "you're forgetting something!" but i don't know what. i think my brain cells are dying. err. help.
too much going on. too much to think about my head's like in a whirlpool. like i'm in a washing machine on spin and it won't stop. maybe i should take a break and step away from the madness. this is 2008, it was dragging along and all of a sudden it's March? woah. i only noticed that it's been zooming past me when one moment it's February and now it's 3 weeks to my show at Bojangles. double U, tee, eff. seriously. where did all that time go? i'm rushing to meet deadlines, i've got papers to submit that's long overdue. i hate writing papers. writing is not something i do because i have to. writing is leisurely activity for me. so when i have to write about something i'm not even remotely interested in, it saps the energy out of me and i go like, blah. no drive, no motivation. like, whaddafak. and imagine another 3 years going through the same shit over and again. school sucks. i need to readjust my views. i've got my priorities all jumbled up. no, wait. i DON'T have any priorities. now that's messed up. i gotta focus, mayn. how come brains don't come with an auto-focus function. urgh.
i gotta get into perspective. get my head straight. straight up to the beeline like chalk on the sidewalk, nose to the grindstone get the books back on the right shelf. dude, i'm rambling. i need a whack on the head. why do i feel like i'm in a hurricane. like, wha? whaddoido, wheredoigo, whaszatonthefloor...i been thinking about a lot of things but the funny thing is, i don't know what. some part of it is something about school work. then another part will be about the show, a little corner of my brain will be screaming out "you're forgetting something!" but i don't know what. i think my brain cells are dying. err. help.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Smells Like Poop
the feeling is monotone, monochrome like black and white tv back in those days.
mute like chaplin, facial expressions denote nothing. the context of everyday happenings are unrelated and insignificant. bubbles burst once in a while right? wrong. they burst all the time. the odd few might stray up a bit higher than the rest, fly into the sky like its the limit. but what really is? what's the limit? who sets the bar of what's the highest level to a certain credential. fuck it. son of bitches don't appreciate the gift, only like receiving, never like to give or ever feel like giving. or they give but they take it back? this is dark and deep, my thoughts you may not comprehend. but it's not my fault. i may not want you to understand. if you do, it may be right, it may be wrong. i've been cussing like a street bitch the whole 20 days of 2008. cursing at every damn thing like swearing is my only ability, the only words available in my vocabulary. maybe i started it off on a wrong note. the wrong foot. the wrong mood. the wrong road. nothing is going great at the moment. a mix of good and happy, bad and sad. depression on the verge, valium helping induce sleep. my body's tired and aching. i need the stress release, the unwind, the wind, the sun, the sand. every muscle contracts like it's working against its will. forcing myself to move when all i want to do is curl up under layers and layers of heavy covers, cower, and curled up like a hibernating bear not wanting to wake up. every day waking up is an effort. every day the moment i wake up and the pain is too hard to bear. too much. make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. tear the pain out of my heart, my lungs screaming for air, gasping, chest heaving, shoulders shaking. make it stop. make it stop. i have no more faith. perhaps only a flicker, a feeble attempt at trying to stay lit. but i stay lit. that little flicker is all i need. right? falling into a deep sleep when all the pain goes away. like numbness. i don't feel a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. make it stop. make it stop. distraction works only for a fraction of a second. distraction itself is distracting, it doesn't take it away. it only makes you pretend it's gone. please. make it stop. make it stop feeling. make it not feel a thing. make it not feel pain. make it stop hurting. enough. enough. i've had enough.
mute like chaplin, facial expressions denote nothing. the context of everyday happenings are unrelated and insignificant. bubbles burst once in a while right? wrong. they burst all the time. the odd few might stray up a bit higher than the rest, fly into the sky like its the limit. but what really is? what's the limit? who sets the bar of what's the highest level to a certain credential. fuck it. son of bitches don't appreciate the gift, only like receiving, never like to give or ever feel like giving. or they give but they take it back? this is dark and deep, my thoughts you may not comprehend. but it's not my fault. i may not want you to understand. if you do, it may be right, it may be wrong. i've been cussing like a street bitch the whole 20 days of 2008. cursing at every damn thing like swearing is my only ability, the only words available in my vocabulary. maybe i started it off on a wrong note. the wrong foot. the wrong mood. the wrong road. nothing is going great at the moment. a mix of good and happy, bad and sad. depression on the verge, valium helping induce sleep. my body's tired and aching. i need the stress release, the unwind, the wind, the sun, the sand. every muscle contracts like it's working against its will. forcing myself to move when all i want to do is curl up under layers and layers of heavy covers, cower, and curled up like a hibernating bear not wanting to wake up. every day waking up is an effort. every day the moment i wake up and the pain is too hard to bear. too much. make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. tear the pain out of my heart, my lungs screaming for air, gasping, chest heaving, shoulders shaking. make it stop. make it stop. i have no more faith. perhaps only a flicker, a feeble attempt at trying to stay lit. but i stay lit. that little flicker is all i need. right? falling into a deep sleep when all the pain goes away. like numbness. i don't feel a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. make it stop. make it stop. distraction works only for a fraction of a second. distraction itself is distracting, it doesn't take it away. it only makes you pretend it's gone. please. make it stop. make it stop feeling. make it not feel a thing. make it not feel pain. make it stop hurting. enough. enough. i've had enough.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Eff Yew.
tomorrow i register myself at university.
sunday will be nothing.
monday i start day one of my PR degree program.
tuesday will be the dawn of a new day.
wednesday will be day two of my PR degree program.
thursday will be day three.
friday will be when i perform at Layar Tanchap.
it's saturday again. wow.
final words for the year that is 2007.
eventful.
several close to suicidal attempts. (lol!)
a lot of attention grabbing, mic wielding moments.
i learnt how to speak Malay. more than what i know at least.
a whole lot of heartbreaks.
a whole lot more of drunken escapades.
great job experiences.
i found out who friends really are. and who they aren't.
realized how hazardous my (spending) habits are.
also realized how much money i'd need to keep it up.
not yet figured how stupid i can be when it comes to boys.
like, seriously. stupid. "she's like the olymp-bitch champion!"
i've been bestowed the title "violent and abusive alcoholic", thanks to Masai.
memorable. some good times.
although the sisterhood's been a bit of a mess this year.
we need penang again, khairun.
or langkawi.
and we need plenty more of mawar.
chocolate-opoly nights. my place next time. and donuts.
and mocktails roulette! skip the alco for you girls. ;)
thanks for that night at rasta mawar. and fuz. he's not bad after all. heh.
i'm still trying to figure that one out. the boy. is. a. puzzle boggle scrabble. mind games.
i hate them testosterone creatures. we should all be gay. haha.
i see you roll your eyes at this one mawar.
shidots. you've been here for me.
even though you're there. in bloody london.
i still hate you for that.
but the lipglosses you bring home are candy!
red waja. that's classic.
i don't even remember how we got back to your place.
puking all over the outside of santha's car.
see, mabuk also still got control. haha!
and thanks for the brilliant birthday present idea.
i never put in so much effort for a boy's gift before.
come to think of it, i can't even remember what i got memin for his birthday.
or if i even got one for him. lol.
i still got the purse he got me though. still using it.
maybe i should like, go out with him kan?
make him buy me stuff like he used to.
we shopped at Esprit okay. god, that boy.
shit. snap out of it.
oh whatevs. you've been my one true best girlfriend.
from one boy to another. we go all the way back to 2001 babes.
and we'll make 2008 another year crossed in the books.
with hammy. my candy supplier. doctor in the making.
my baby girls will have one cool ass doctor aunty hammy!
ponteng school, get mc from aunty hammy.
and get free hotel rooms to crash after parties from aunty shidots.
but sorry ah, they'll learn to party from me first.
be the living legendary mommy. lol!
hams, kau hutang aku satu botol absinthe.
pour it in a juice bottle and say it's passionfruit.
i dont bloody hell care. i'll see you in January.
a lot of alcohol awaits us.
to another person i've been trying to scrape away since April.
i hate you. for doing what you did.
i hate you. because no matter how much you say you won't call or bother me.
you're still there.
sunday will be nothing.
monday i start day one of my PR degree program.
tuesday will be the dawn of a new day.
wednesday will be day two of my PR degree program.
thursday will be day three.
friday will be when i perform at Layar Tanchap.
it's saturday again. wow.
final words for the year that is 2007.
eventful.
several close to suicidal attempts. (lol!)
a lot of attention grabbing, mic wielding moments.
i learnt how to speak Malay. more than what i know at least.
a whole lot of heartbreaks.
a whole lot more of drunken escapades.
great job experiences.
i found out who friends really are. and who they aren't.
realized how hazardous my (spending) habits are.
also realized how much money i'd need to keep it up.
not yet figured how stupid i can be when it comes to boys.
like, seriously. stupid. "she's like the olymp-bitch champion!"
i've been bestowed the title "violent and abusive alcoholic", thanks to Masai.
memorable. some good times.
although the sisterhood's been a bit of a mess this year.
we need penang again, khairun.
or langkawi.
and we need plenty more of mawar.
chocolate-opoly nights. my place next time. and donuts.
and mocktails roulette! skip the alco for you girls. ;)
thanks for that night at rasta mawar. and fuz. he's not bad after all. heh.
i'm still trying to figure that one out. the boy. is. a. puzzle boggle scrabble. mind games.
i hate them testosterone creatures. we should all be gay. haha.
i see you roll your eyes at this one mawar.
shidots. you've been here for me.
even though you're there. in bloody london.
i still hate you for that.
but the lipglosses you bring home are candy!
red waja. that's classic.
i don't even remember how we got back to your place.
puking all over the outside of santha's car.
see, mabuk also still got control. haha!
and thanks for the brilliant birthday present idea.
i never put in so much effort for a boy's gift before.
come to think of it, i can't even remember what i got memin for his birthday.
or if i even got one for him. lol.
i still got the purse he got me though. still using it.
maybe i should like, go out with him kan?
make him buy me stuff like he used to.
we shopped at Esprit okay. god, that boy.
shit. snap out of it.
oh whatevs. you've been my one true best girlfriend.
from one boy to another. we go all the way back to 2001 babes.
and we'll make 2008 another year crossed in the books.
with hammy. my candy supplier. doctor in the making.
my baby girls will have one cool ass doctor aunty hammy!
ponteng school, get mc from aunty hammy.
and get free hotel rooms to crash after parties from aunty shidots.
but sorry ah, they'll learn to party from me first.
be the living legendary mommy. lol!
hams, kau hutang aku satu botol absinthe.
pour it in a juice bottle and say it's passionfruit.
i dont bloody hell care. i'll see you in January.
a lot of alcohol awaits us.
to another person i've been trying to scrape away since April.
i hate you. for doing what you did.
i hate you. because no matter how much you say you won't call or bother me.
you're still there.
like soap scum on bathroom walls. mud and grit.
tough stains on carpets. stubborn like wine spills on silk.
fuck you, for me ever meeting you was a mistake.
all the way back to that night in February 2006.
last words for 2007?
2008 better be good.
good things come when you're prepared.
so be prepared.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Pow.
when you want it straight up they mess up and give you excuses.
when you want it kinder they shout and shove it in your faces.
when you want something from them they stupid and oblivious.
when you want nothing at all they think you got expectations.
what happened to being direct and transparent
it'd make things hell easier if you'd seen it comin'
what about thoughts in your mind you thought you could say
but when you wanna say it you find yourself not all that articulate
what the fuck.
when you want it kinder they shout and shove it in your faces.
when you want something from them they stupid and oblivious.
when you want nothing at all they think you got expectations.
what happened to being direct and transparent
it'd make things hell easier if you'd seen it comin'
what about thoughts in your mind you thought you could say
but when you wanna say it you find yourself not all that articulate
what the fuck.
Back to School
it's been about 4 years since i went back. today i walked up the same stairs to the same office i used to be called up to when i got in trouble. but this time, i was getting my SPM certificate which i so conveniently didn't care to pick up all those years back. and the office has changed. somewhat. i preferred it before the renovations. i met my form one class teacher. that was cool. not much has changed really. except for a new building they now call 'block c'. it used to be the softball field, and where we had 'lompat tinggi' practice. i remember doing gymnastic flips over the bar instead of the back flip high jump. my house teacher thought i'd break my neck. friends thought it was cool! haha. but that was when i actually went to house practice. a bit later in my high school years, i skived and went out with my then boyfriend. those were the days. *sigh
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Friday, November 02, 2007
Snip Snap
Dear Pash, Here is your single's love horoscope for Saturday, November 3:
Flirt, and flirt a lot today. Your magnetism's white hot right now and everyone around you feels it. Don't be afraid to ask that special person out. They won't be able to resist your charm.
my horoscope tells me wonderful things. but normally my self-esteem doubts it. you have no idea how this effects the levels of estrogen. it's nowhere near the delirium you'd experience from purchasing a RM400 Guess bag however, but it's within the same region. i should probably draw up a hierarchy of things that make me happy, although i doubt it'll be very accurate. i mean, i can't really be sure J.Co donuts can top Haagen Dazs' chocolate fondue. come on! that's asking for alot! *ehem*
talk about J.Co donuts. damn! that's all i can say. shtank you. ngahahahaha! dude, OMG! like, all the words combined into one big ass exclamation won't even come close to defining those bloody J.Co donuts. i'd be subscribing to 3 gyms with 2 personal trainers for each part of my body if i could live on those things. seriously. my favourites (top-bottom) : Why Nut, Coco C, Alcapone.
Flirt, and flirt a lot today. Your magnetism's white hot right now and everyone around you feels it. Don't be afraid to ask that special person out. They won't be able to resist your charm.
my horoscope tells me wonderful things. but normally my self-esteem doubts it. you have no idea how this effects the levels of estrogen. it's nowhere near the delirium you'd experience from purchasing a RM400 Guess bag however, but it's within the same region. i should probably draw up a hierarchy of things that make me happy, although i doubt it'll be very accurate. i mean, i can't really be sure J.Co donuts can top Haagen Dazs' chocolate fondue. come on! that's asking for alot! *ehem*
talk about J.Co donuts. damn! that's all i can say. shtank you. ngahahahaha! dude, OMG! like, all the words combined into one big ass exclamation won't even come close to defining those bloody J.Co donuts. i'd be subscribing to 3 gyms with 2 personal trainers for each part of my body if i could live on those things. seriously. my favourites (top-bottom) : Why Nut, Coco C, Alcapone.
moving on...
did you know trips to the hair salon is very therapeutic? yeah. it's like, you walk into the place and it doesn't matter which obscure little town you're in (like, segamat) and you feel like you've been transported to Subang. or KL. like that. i got my hair cut. (again??) it's just to re-define the unruly mop i had as hair. see, the mohawk didn't grow out very graciously, hence i needed a cut to tame it a bit. now, all thanks to Teddy, (the hairdresser. more than 20 years experience, mind you) i have nice hair. short, sassy, and oh-so-sexy. lol! (the "oh-so-sexy" was added for dramatic effect.)
only two more papers to sit for, then i'm off! i SO can't wait to get away from this place. there's so many things i want to do... *daydream*
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Bzzt.
if you've noticed in my previous posts i have this penchant for monosyllabic sound effect-ish blog titles. i can't for the life of me figure why. i'm just genius that way. lol.
last weekend was recharge ('cas semula'??) at a'famosa melaka. recharge my foot! literally. we all had a mind-lifting experience of horse manure foot spa. gives a whole new dimension to mud therapy i'm telling ya. who needs volcanic earth? it was all organic shit (pun intended) from the moment you step foot into the venue. but blending into nature activities aside, the event itself was aight. i spent most of the night at freedom electric, partly because it was playing hiphop, and partly because it was the only air-conditioned tent.
solid gold was very cute, with the roller-skating ring and retro-ish music playing. very cool, very cool. then there was the foam bar, which was filled with, well, foam! everyone who walked out of that place looked like they were wearing Ugg boots looking like little eskimoes sesat in muddy land. it made for a very amusing watch. until, me and a couple of friends decided we couldn't hold in the temptation any longer and pergi masuk itu foam bar (me, albeit a tad bit hesitant of getting wet). the result, of course was us looking like the formerly described Ugg boot wearing eskimoes. oh we had fun! bubble baths ain't just for the Johnson & Johnson generation. kalau boleh install satu alat foam itu dalam shower di rumah, seronok beb!
besides that, there was the freedom AMP stage, which we didn't go to. neither did we go to the Global stage. oh but we sloshed to Godskitchen. Gods-bloody-muddy-as-hell-kitchen! (semua Reefa punya pasal! :p) managed to listen to Bass Agents play, mind you the stage was a bit far from where we were to see them, so yeah. we listened je.
all in all, penat gila babi (add more expletives here). my knees felt like popping off, my ankles were wobbly, my toes all covered in gunk. (ew, yeah i know)
balik, tidur. oh sedap betul tidur. nikmat yang tak terhingga.
last weekend was recharge ('cas semula'??) at a'famosa melaka. recharge my foot! literally. we all had a mind-lifting experience of horse manure foot spa. gives a whole new dimension to mud therapy i'm telling ya. who needs volcanic earth? it was all organic shit (pun intended) from the moment you step foot into the venue. but blending into nature activities aside, the event itself was aight. i spent most of the night at freedom electric, partly because it was playing hiphop, and partly because it was the only air-conditioned tent.
solid gold was very cute, with the roller-skating ring and retro-ish music playing. very cool, very cool. then there was the foam bar, which was filled with, well, foam! everyone who walked out of that place looked like they were wearing Ugg boots looking like little eskimoes sesat in muddy land. it made for a very amusing watch. until, me and a couple of friends decided we couldn't hold in the temptation any longer and pergi masuk itu foam bar (me, albeit a tad bit hesitant of getting wet). the result, of course was us looking like the formerly described Ugg boot wearing eskimoes. oh we had fun! bubble baths ain't just for the Johnson & Johnson generation. kalau boleh install satu alat foam itu dalam shower di rumah, seronok beb!
besides that, there was the freedom AMP stage, which we didn't go to. neither did we go to the Global stage. oh but we sloshed to Godskitchen. Gods-bloody-muddy-as-hell-kitchen! (semua Reefa punya pasal! :p) managed to listen to Bass Agents play, mind you the stage was a bit far from where we were to see them, so yeah. we listened je.
all in all, penat gila babi (add more expletives here). my knees felt like popping off, my ankles were wobbly, my toes all covered in gunk. (ew, yeah i know)
balik, tidur. oh sedap betul tidur. nikmat yang tak terhingga.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Brownie Fine
Miss Shidot, you ain't the only one with a mixer and an oven. Pash got mad baking skills ma'am!
Pash brownies as it got into the oven.
no pictures after it got baked, coz then you'll drool all over your keyboard and beg me for some of miss pash's brownies. i make them on special occasions. usually when people come over to the house. this time, i brought it over to my aunt's for Raya. i know shidot is very 'pemurah' and posts her recipe so everyone can try baking, unfortunately i can't put mine up. i'm not kedekut (puh-lease), it's just because baking isn't a chemistry experiment where you measure each ingredient to precision and expect a perfectly baked cake. the art is in throwing a whole bunch of stuff together and voila! also, the joy in baking is spontaneity. imagine feel-good movie scene where girl bakes cake (read: tries to bake), boy pokes around, girl taps him on the hand, boy splats flour on girl's nose, and they end up on the kitchen counter with no cake. yah?
so if you want a bite, come to the house! comprehende?
selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)