The Sexy.

Clowned.

2009-03-16T16:42:00.000+08:00

i suppose i should be rid off all emotions save for ones which translate to being happy? with a permanent smile plastered on my face like Ronald McDonald? or like the wax statue of Elizabeth Taylor?

i'm fucked up and i can't go around pretending i don't feel a thing. most of the time i do already. not good enough eh? i'll try harder.

Gummibonbon

2009-02-02T16:04:00.002+08:00

okay first of all, i love gummy bears. specifically the ones by Trolli. please, anyone who finds this can/jar/packet/tub of gummy bears buy them for me please. please. please.

moving on, today's rambles are random thoughts.

Things that I find very pelik and i wonder... (not in any order)

1. how come orang suka pakai Crocs.

2. how come orang suka pakai Crocs tapi it's not the original ones, they buy them from Giant or Tesco.

3. how come some girls don't have an ass? like, they have no butt. it's just pelvic bone and the coccyx sticking out of their jeans.

4. why do some girls buy hideous shoes and wear them with even more hideous outfits?

5. why do guys like to spike their hair up in the middle and make it look like they have the Alps growing out of it?

6. why do malays like to sit on the sidewalks sambil mencangkung and either a) smoke or b) talk on the phone?

7. what is the obsession with FAKE ralph lauren or hackett polo tees with huge ass numbers on them? (this one, malays like also...very weird.)

... why does my laptop battery have to run out at this very moment. haiyoh.

Lebih-lebih Pula

2009-01-17T02:19:00.002+08:00

Tiba-tiba dah lama tak meng-blog, banyak pula benda nak cakap kan. This time it's just rambles. And I shall just ramble on, whether or not you know what i'm talking about...well, go figure.

Love has truly been good to me
Not even one sad day
Or minute have I had since you've come my way
I hope you know I'd gladly go
Anywhere you'd take me
It's so amazing to be loved
I'd follow you to the moon in the sky above
Got to tell you how you thrill me
I'm happy as I can be
You have come and it's changed my whole world
Bye-bye sadness, hello mellow
What a wonderful day
It's so amazing to be loved
I'd follow you to the moon in the sky above

Beyonce, Stevie Wonder - So Amazing

Uhm. Yeah. So. Right. Actually, i kinda lost my train of thought. how cool is that. now i have nothing to write about really. what's weird is that when i have a lot of things to say i'm not anywhere near a computer or internet access. most of the time, this will be in the car while i'm driving or in the passenger seat. or when i'm walking around, or watching cars and people past by.

I'm too tired now. Will write soon.

90210

2009-01-13T20:24:00.002+08:00

so i haven't been writing in God-ages. i don't know, maybe too many things have been happening all in a blow that i can't quite catch up with writing it all down like i used to. besides, i used to only write when i'm depressed or mad or angry or blew my head off or something but it does not mean in any way that since i'm writing now, i'm not happy or anything like that. in fact, i'm happy alright.

right now, life's so much and alot about being with the boyfriend. i'm not about to get all cheesy-soppy "oh-the-love-of-my-life" telling you about how he's the most perfect thing that ever happened to me, because let's face it, sometime in the past, there's been other guys i dated who i used to think were everything i wanted. that didn't go anywhere did it? come on, everyone will say that at that particular moment of time. looking back, you change your mind when you find something else you think you like better. but hey my feelings and thoughts are best kept within the confines and privacy of this relationship. nothing about it is for you to know.

oh well, but sometimes i do wanna tell. except, i wish i could be anonymous right now. even with my total readership of 3, or occasionally 5, i still feel like i'm opening up to a LOT of people. i like to keep things to myself, remember. right.

so...conclusion. not telling. haha. thanks for reading. now get out.

Makna

2008-10-30T13:34:00.002+08:00

puisi lama aku jumpa, entah bila aku tulis pun tak ingat. mungkin beberapa bulan lepas.

buat kesenangan peribadi
kau pentingkan diri sendiri

luahan hati aku pena
buat semua agar bisa merasa
namun kau curi isi
kau curi hati

tak pernah keseorangan
walaupun bersendiri
tetap ada yang menemani

apabila jiwa tersentuh
maka hati ini merasa
jadikanlah kata-kata
seperti satu bahtera
ombak dan angin membawa
ditiup ke serata ruang
mengisi segala makna.

251008

2008-10-28T11:57:00.002+08:00

yang ini aku tulis di Wall of Confessions, Hari Bintang Jatuh Wani Ardy di MIA Bungalow Jalan Ampang. Untuk siapa? Kau fikir sendiri lah. Malas nak cerita.

setiap kelip matamu
setiap kali jari terjalin
setiap kata kau ucapkan

tidak pernah jemu
tidak pernah ada yang lain
tidak pernah aku sangkakan

genggam tangan ku
ambil langkah setapak
dengar degup jantungku
hembus nafas tidak teragak

kau beralih
aku tidak
kau menjeling
aku melihat
kau cemburu
aku cium dahi mu

kehadapan bintang jatuh ku
kau jatuh ke riba ku

25 October 2008

Untuk Kau

2008-10-24T15:54:00.002+08:00

sudah berapa lama aku tak menulis. tiada apa yang hendak ditulis. barangkali fikiran terlalu bercelaru hinggakan tidak dapat menyusun kata untuk dijadikan ayat.

aku selalu terfikir, adakah apa yang aku genggam ini benar-benar apa yang aku mahukan. kalau terlepas yang dalam genggaman ini, bolehkah aku dapatkan gantinya? atau mungkin tersungkur kerana berlari ingin mendapatkan ia semula? aku tak mahu terasa sesal lagi. cukuplah berkali-kali perit pedih terpaksa aku hadapi kerana yang berada dalam genggaman jatuh dicelah-celah jari seperti pasir. semakin kuat digenggam, semakin laju ia terus ke tanah; akhirnya tiada lagi dalam tangan. yang tinggal hanya debu.

aku bertanyakan pada diri, sambil kepalanya aku usap. jarinya aku jalinkan bersama jariku. dahinya aku cium, wajahnya aku renung. yang inikah yang aku mahu? yang inikah yang aku sayang? yang inikah yang akan aku bawa dalam diri, zahirku dan dalam hati, jiwaku. aku tak mahu mencari lagi. yang ini cukup bagus buatku. yang ini yang terbaik buatku. walau apa pun yang ini lah yang akan aku perjuangkan. aku mahu jadi yang satu. seperti cinta terhebat satu waktu dahulu. tapi yang itu bohong, walaupun aku masih teringat tapi aku benci. pergilah kau, jangan dekati lagi. biarkan aku dengan yang ini. yang di sini, yang aku mahu sayang dengan sepenuh hati. yang akan mengembalikan rasa sayang itu tanpa ada rasa keliru atau tidak pasti.

percayalah kata-kataku, kalau aku bilang aku mahu berada bersamamu. mungkin kau rasa aku masih tidak dapat memberi sepenuh hati. aku minta kau tolonglah genggam erat lagi tanganku setiap kali kau terasa begitu. rangkul aku dan jangan lepaskan. aku masih mencuba, aku mahu mencuba.

aku renung lagi yang ini. mungkin ada lagi yang tersimpan belum aku luahkan. satu hari demi satu hari. perjalanan ini masih panjang buat aku dan yang ini. aku mahukan yang ini. tiada lagi yang aku fikirkan melainkan yang ini.

cinta terhebat, mungkin berlaku lagi. tapi kali ini lebih bererti.

Punya Akal?

2008-10-17T19:17:00.003+08:00

aku tak faham kenapa pemandu-pemandu di Malaysia ni tak reti nak pasang lampu ketika memandu sewaktu hujan lebat. HOI KAU INGAT KERETA KAU KEBAL? KALAU ORANG LANGGAR KERETA KAU, SIAPA YANG SALAH? KAU TAK PASANG LAMPU, MANA ORANG NAK NAMPAK KERETA KAU? bodoh. mungkin la kau rasa kau ada perfect vision, tapi kalau hujan dah lebat macam babi jatuh bergolek dari langit visibility memang tak lebih dari 3 meter kan. nombor plat kereta depan kau pun tak tentu boleh nampak dengan jelas. jadi kalau kau nak tukar laluan dan kereta depan atau sebelah kau tak perasan, kau jangan naik angin nak bunyikan hon pulak ya. PASANG LAMPU KERETA KAU.

selamat la kalau kau tak jadi mangsa kena langgar. tapi kalau kena, padan muka. aku siap suluh lampu kat muka kau.

Penghabisan

2008-09-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

cinta terhebat terjadi hanya sekali. sekalipun kau rasa ia berulang, namun hakikatnya perasaan tak akan membohongi diri. cuma minda yang memikirkan, mencuba memberitahu bahawa setiap cinta itu hebat secara sendirinya. memang setiap cinta itu punya kehebatan tersendiri, rasa yang berlainan, pengalaman yang membuat kau lebih matang dan berupaya meletakkan kau sebagai seorang yang telah sekali lagi merasai cinta. tapi cinta terhebat, yang teratas, yang paling dikagumi, berlaku hanya sekali. cuma kau yang tak sedari.

perasaan yang bawa kau terbang dari hujung satu dunia ke hujung satu dunia yang lain. dari penjuru ke pejuru, dari tiap sudut ke satu sudut yang lain, segenap jiwa dan raga. cinta terhebat cuma satu.

buat kali terakhirnya, kau buat aku merasa seribu satu emosi dalam kiraan detik yang bagaikan tiada penghabisan. buat kali terakhirnya, kau buat aku menitis air mata kemudian senyum, gelak, ketawa, dan kembali pedih. cuma kau yang mampu membuat demikian. kali ini, buat yang terakhirnya. benci jauh sekali, walaupun dibuang jauh dari hati dan diri, benci itu perasaan paling jauh sekali. fahamlah bahawa sayang itu mungkin rindu, tak bermaksud ingin kembali tetapi mengingat saat waktu-waktu dilalui. aku bukan kejam, bukan mahu kau bergantung pada harapan. kerana aku pernah merasa. tidak pernah sekalipun aku mahukan kau sakit, lebih lagi kerana berpegang kepada cinta. bukan cinta sebarangan.

cinta terhebat.

ia terjadi hanya sekali.

dan buat terakhir kalinya.

***

kau bisa pegang hati ini dalam tangan
tapi yang merasa isinya cuma jiwa

Uhmpf

2008-09-09T01:48:00.002+08:00

mula lagi title blog monosyllabic macam dulu. =)

lambat sikit nak ucap selamat menyambut bulan ramadhan. sedar tak sedar dah seminggu berpuasa. apa significance of this year's ramadhan? entahlah. tak difikirkan sangat. belum difikirkan. tahun ini puasa lain sikit. bukan sebab tak bersama keluarga, dulu waktu di johor pun puasa sendiri. cuma ada kawan-kawan. tahun ini kerja pula. puasa lebih cabaran, tambah pula orang-orang sepejabat semua bukan beragama Islam. tak terasa berjuang bersama-sama nak menahan lapar, tahan perasaan marah, tak puas hati, geram...biasalah, waktu berpuasa ni perkara remeh-temeh boleh jadi dugaan paling besar. kalau selalunya tidak diendahkan sangat, waktu puasa rasa macam nak disiat-siat tapi sabar. itu memang tujuan berpuasa kan. kali ini memang terasa tercabar berpuasa. tak apa lah. diamkan sahaja, nak diperbesarkan pun buat apa.

rindu berbuka bersama keluarga. kena paksa pergi solat terawikh. tapi rasa puas hati bila pergi. buka dengan buah kurma, makan sikit. lepas balik dari masjid baru sambung makan lagi. sekarang ni penat. balik dari kerja penat. hm.

it's been a week since the fasting month and it was only yesterday that i had my first ramadhan craving. in previous years it used to be ayam percik, nasi kerabu, tau foo fah...this time is the very simple, very easily forgotten kek batik. it's something you don't even remember until you see it and then you're like, "omg! dah lama tak makan ni!" right? well yeah, i crave kek batik. but it's not easy to find a really good one. which is funny because it's a really simple thing to make. i guess the best kek batik is still the one you make yourself. coz you decide how much chocolate you put in, how chewy or chrunchy you want it to be...imagine kek batik and a dollop of ice cream on it. oooh.

and at this moment, i want iced tebu. a whole big ass jug of it. drool.

aku mahu pulang. puasa dengan ma and daddy. kena marah sebab set meja lambat. tunggu buka puasa sambil tenung gelas air. makan kurma macam makan kacang. mama masak. malas nak pergi terawikh, tapi paksa diri pergi jugak. bangun sahur, mengantuk tersengguk-sengguk nak makan. sambung tidur balik sebelum kena paksa bangun lagi solat subuh. haih. bila lagi...sekarang ni dah hidup sendiri. kesian ma and daddy, buka and sahur berdua je. anak-anak dua orang langsung tak boleh harap. entah bila nak balik buka bersama.

aku takut sebab dah kerja ni, nanti raya pun tak dapat cuti lama. harap la dapat seminggu pertama nak pergi ziarah keluarga dan saudara. aah.

Swimming Cats

2008-09-03T12:10:00.002+08:00

Kucing dalam air. Pelik betul mimpi aku malam tadi. Anak kucing parsi 6 ekor, dalam akuarium penuh air sedang tidur. tak lemas pun tapi macam ikan. aku mimpi lagi aku punya kuasa ajaib, boleh jadi halimunan. hebat.

my days are becoming more exciting. not that i know what's going to happen next or what's been planned, but i feel like there will be things that might just pop up without me realising it. and i'm actually looking forward to it. my weekend has been pleasant, to say the least. it was a lazy weekend, one that i appreciated all the more since all my weekends has been taken up by work in the past month or so. it was a step-by-step walk, like a stroll in the park. with nothing to rush for nor anything rushing me. (thank you, i enjoyed my time with you.)

while i still have memory flashbacks and pent-up anger, dissappointment, a tiny speck of hope...i also have a renewed outlook, refreshed like cold water splashed in the morning. maybe things are looking up.

strawberry cheesecake ice cream? :)

Kipas Kertas

2008-08-20T16:31:00.002+08:00

hidup akhir-akhir ini kebosanan. kerja, penat. pulang dari kerja, penat. keluar jumpa rakan-rakan, penat. semakin jauh aku rasa dari mereka. sudah lama tak jumpa, janji mahu nonton bersama tapi sering ubah rancangan di saat akhir. aku rasa macam orang yang janjinya tidak boleh dipercaya. maaflah, bukan sengaja. tapi badan ini kalau larat serata mana sahaja aku pergi berjumpa rakan-rakan disana-sini. cuma sekarang ini yang enak cuma tidur. tidur yang panjang, tak diusik siapa-siapa atau apa-apa. aku lebih suka bersendirian, ditemani angin dan hati yang ingin bicara. tapi tiada siapa yang ada mungkin bisa fahami kata-kata. aku banyak berfikir sekarang ni, tentang apa aku pun tak tahu. yang aku tahu tak ramai akan faham atau mungkin lebih lagi akan bingung. kenapa agaknya dia ni, mereka fikir.

mencari teman tapi tiada yang boleh menemami. bukan sekadar hadir satu jasad atau diri tapi ditemani satu emosi atau perasaan yang memahami tanpa perlu kata-kata, cuma pandangan dari mata yang menyulam rasa hati menjadi perkataan tak terucap tapi mengerti. satu hubungan yang jauh lebih bererti dari jari-jari bersentuhan tangan saling bergenggaman. lebih dari zahir, jiwa ini ingin dimengerti. sudah lama berbicara pada diri, terasa mahu berbicara pada orang pula.

tapi seolah sesuatu yang tak memberi, semakin ramai ku temu yang tak ku cari datang menghadiri namun semua ku tolak seperti kutub saling bertentangan. sesuatu yang masih tidak lagi sempurna, satu hubungan yang tidak dapat dicipta. akhirnya, aku bersendiri sahaja. dilayankan juga, kesian nanti difikir sombong tapi aku tak ingin bermuka-muka. kalau tak hendak katakan sahaja. tidak ada salahnya, hati sudah bilang begitu, maka begitu lah. jangan dipaksa-paksa.

iyalah, kalau ditanya pada naluri memang enak perasaan itu kalau dapat hadir lagi. tapi seolah sudah bodoh, tidak tahu lagi bagaimana harus merasai. kalau perasaan itu hadir tapi tidak dapat dikenalpasti lalu ditepis tanpa disedari. sayang...nak buat macam mana lagi kalau sering sahaja ditolak ketepi. langkah kehadapan lagi, temui lagi dan lagi tanpa henti. selepas seorang, satu persatu berulang lagi. aku minta maaf lah kalau tak dihiraukan, aku tak tahu bagaimana lagi. kalau terjadi, maka terjadi lah. kalau tidak anggap itu hanya menumpang laluan ingin pergi ke lain destinasi.

datang lah lagi, hadir lagi dalam hidup ini. aku dah lama tunggu, cuma satu sahaja yang aku tak mahu. bukan yang satu itu, bukan kau. tolong lah, aku dah cukup penat berulang-alik, terkotak-katik dek kerana engkau. lepaskan aku mahu rasa terbang, yang boleh bawa aku ke awan.

sempurna atau tidak aku akan fikir kemudian. aku cuma ingin warna-warna, terang, corak yang menarik berputar-putar seperti kipas kertas ditiup angin.

Selamat Malam

2008-07-23T10:31:00.002+08:00

pagi ini suram
matahari tenggelam
awan berarak mendung kelam
yang gelap tetap gelap
terang jadi malap
mata, lelap.
hati, mengharap.

selamat malam.

Shoot Me Down

2008-07-03T18:02:00.006+08:00

Dear Pash,

Here is your single's love horoscope for Thursday, July 3:

If everyone you go on dates with seem to be a long string of letdowns, perhaps your ideals need readjusting. Don't ditch all your ethics, but take a long look at your current principles to see if they're out of touch.

err... my ideals need adjusting? my principles are out of touch? dear lord. my ideals are just fine, seriously. i'm not 152 years old, and it's not as if i'm looking for the local equivalent of Prince William Arthur Philip Louis! it's not as if i'm even actually looking! but really, since recently my dates have been a series of letdowns. i'm considering broadening my horizons. asexuality maybe? har har.

cupcakes for cupcake's birthday?

If I Could Talk To You

2008-06-20T18:43:00.003+08:00

i was so in love with you. despite the fact that we were different, it didn't matter to me. and i thought it didn't matter to you either. what was important was what i felt being with you, how we felt being together. those rare moments that i had with you, the little time that i had spent with you. you swept me completely off my feet, and i was smitten. you told me i amazed you, i thought it was the other way around. i told you i adored you, you admitted the same. that feeling was crazy, how i'd smile to myself everytime i got a text message from you. my friends would think i'd gone insane. perhaps a bit. it's as if i would float above the clouds, that euphoria washing over me.

i miss that feeling, and i'm thinking how lucky whoever it is that's feeling that way right now and having you feel the same for her. i can't say i don't envy her. i might just pull her hair out. humans are jealous creatures, and i am only human. but it only goes to show how much i was in love with you.

i've slowly recovered from the shock of learning that you're dating someone new. painful the process was, agonizing to say the least. i was a wretched mess. "a more realistic option", you said when i asked you why. i still don't know what you mean by that. i've made my own assumption since. but i didn't know it was our difference that made you look away. if it was the only reason that made you look away. if so, it was something we could've talked about. everything else seemed perfect. "i think our hands fit perfect, so do our heartbeats. i think our bodies would too." you were clever with words, not exactly a surprise considering it was your forte. and trust me, you would blow me away everytime. everytime.

i saw it happening, me and you. you did too. "i could really see myself growing old with you." how would a girl feel to have a man she's fallen head over heels for say those words to her. it's not something i would take very lightly. my only hope is that you really meant it when you said it. it felt good to know that someone would go the distance with you, save the fact that the journey didn't really kick off.

i know i'm not really over you. not quite. and the fact that i'd bump into you now and again at random places, i'll never really get over you. not really. so many "what ifs", all of which i'll never know the answer to. but i'm taking one step ahead at a time. looking back over my shoulder once in a while just to see if maybe, just maybe...

i miss you.

and you still owe me a painting.

Puisi Aku Dilagu

2008-05-26T11:15:00.003+08:00

puisi aku tajuknya "Khabarkan Pada Angin" sudah jadi lagu. melodi dan susunan bukan aku yang buat. aku cuma tuan punya lirik dan setiap perkataan dalam lagu itu. setiap emosi dan ekspresi dalam lagu itu, setiap detik hati dan perasaan, setiap yang aku tulis saat puisi itu aku cipta adalah gambaran jiwa aku pada waktu itu. puisi itu dah lama aku tulis, bulan julai 2005. dan aku pernah baca waktu layar tanchap kolaborasi pada bulan januari 2007 kalau tak silap.

kalau nak dengar, Luscious yang nyanyi. lagu ini pun ada digunakan sebagai soundtrack drama Sindarela di TV3. cari lah di youtube, episod 13 kalau tak silap.

khabarkan pada angin.

Bilang Aku Suka

2008-05-16T04:34:00.002+08:00

Aku pandang kamu
Wajah dan gelagat
Kemeja warna biru
Anak mata cokelat

Pelik bila aku terfikir sendiri, duduk seorang sambil mengelamun. Tiba-tiba tersenyum. Ada apa? Nanti orang bilang aku gila. Tapi sebenarnya suka. Kelakar pun ada. Bukannya aku mahu sangat. Mungkin. Tapi bikin bingung saja. Kalau hendak dibuat cerita, macam-macam aku boleh cakap. Bicara, aksi, ekspresi... Ada apa?

Sudah lama tak merasa
Melonjak-lonjak bagai gembira
Apa itu rasa?
Cukup sekadar aku sahaja

Pudar jingga merah padam
Biru halus kuning hangat
Warna pelangi perak kilat
Hijau damaikan hati kelam

Janganlah dicuri lagi. Aku kurang gemar. Bukan tak suka, tak tahu. Mungkin, tapi malas. Kenapa? Celaru. Ribut lah, seperti digoncang bahu aku. Kepala bergegar. Jatuh, pandang ke atas tak mahu bangun. Calar balar. Habis. Darah pun tak. Pedih.

Aku suka.
Kau siapa?

Jangan pegang. Sentuh pun tidak. Takut. Tapi sudah tergesel sikit. Tepis pun tidak.

Macam mana?
Aku suka.

Jigglypuff

2008-03-25T14:12:00.002+08:00

yeah, so the title's random. but actually, it's a pokemon character. jigglypuff, the one that sings people to sleep and then scribbles the faces with a black marker coz it gets angry that people are falling asleep? yeah? no? oh well. (google it, dude...)
anyway, unity concert is this friday and listen is the day after. I AM FREAKING OUT! i swear, i haven't memorized half of my lyrics and that's NOT a good thing. the last time i performed and forgot my lyrics, i choked on stage. and then i cried because of how stupid i was. trust me, that's the last thing i want to happen. this saturday is serious, maaang! it's like my first 'big' show. it's also one that i'm co-organizing with a friend. so yeah, you can say it's like carrying a whole sack of potatoes on my shoulders and having to do squats. (again, random...)
i'm really excited though. i've got practices this week, 4 solid hours of rehearsing the full routine. rapping, singing, choreography...everything. you watch people practice for shows and you think it's easy right? you think you can do it too right? you think you can do better right? WRONG! you so don't know what it's like to be singing and dancing at the same time. so please, the next time you see those reality things on the telly and you think they suck; bitch you don't know better.

Puff Puff

2008-03-11T05:43:00.002+08:00

you've been checkin in and there hasn't been any updates? i haven't been writing. coz life's moving way too fast for me to take a step back and write about it. shit's been happening and then it takes a u-turn, goes the other way around. crazy shit.

too much going on. too much to think about my head's like in a whirlpool. like i'm in a washing machine on spin and it won't stop. maybe i should take a break and step away from the madness. this is 2008, it was dragging along and all of a sudden it's March? woah. i only noticed that it's been zooming past me when one moment it's February and now it's 3 weeks to my show at Bojangles. double U, tee, eff. seriously. where did all that time go? i'm rushing to meet deadlines, i've got papers to submit that's long overdue. i hate writing papers. writing is not something i do because i have to. writing is leisurely activity for me. so when i have to write about something i'm not even remotely interested in, it saps the energy out of me and i go like, blah. no drive, no motivation. like, whaddafak. and imagine another 3 years going through the same shit over and again. school sucks. i need to readjust my views. i've got my priorities all jumbled up. no, wait. i DON'T have any priorities. now that's messed up. i gotta focus, mayn. how come brains don't come with an auto-focus function. urgh.

i gotta get into perspective. get my head straight. straight up to the beeline like chalk on the sidewalk, nose to the grindstone get the books back on the right shelf. dude, i'm rambling. i need a whack on the head. why do i feel like i'm in a hurricane. like, wha? whaddoido, wheredoigo, whaszatonthefloor...i been thinking about a lot of things but the funny thing is, i don't know what. some part of it is something about school work. then another part will be about the show, a little corner of my brain will be screaming out "you're forgetting something!" but i don't know what. i think my brain cells are dying. err. help.

Smells Like Poop

2008-01-21T14:10:00.000+08:00

the feeling is monotone, monochrome like black and white tv back in those days.
mute like chaplin, facial expressions denote nothing. the context of everyday happenings are unrelated and insignificant. bubbles burst once in a while right? wrong. they burst all the time. the odd few might stray up a bit higher than the rest, fly into the sky like its the limit. but what really is? what's the limit? who sets the bar of what's the highest level to a certain credential. fuck it. son of bitches don't appreciate the gift, only like receiving, never like to give or ever feel like giving. or they give but they take it back? this is dark and deep, my thoughts you may not comprehend. but it's not my fault. i may not want you to understand. if you do, it may be right, it may be wrong. i've been cussing like a street bitch the whole 20 days of 2008. cursing at every damn thing like swearing is my only ability, the only words available in my vocabulary. maybe i started it off on a wrong note. the wrong foot. the wrong mood. the wrong road. nothing is going great at the moment. a mix of good and happy, bad and sad. depression on the verge, valium helping induce sleep. my body's tired and aching. i need the stress release, the unwind, the wind, the sun, the sand. every muscle contracts like it's working against its will. forcing myself to move when all i want to do is curl up under layers and layers of heavy covers, cower, and curled up like a hibernating bear not wanting to wake up. every day waking up is an effort. every day the moment i wake up and the pain is too hard to bear. too much. make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. tear the pain out of my heart, my lungs screaming for air, gasping, chest heaving, shoulders shaking. make it stop. make it stop. i have no more faith. perhaps only a flicker, a feeble attempt at trying to stay lit. but i stay lit. that little flicker is all i need. right? falling into a deep sleep when all the pain goes away. like numbness. i don't feel a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. make it stop. make it stop. distraction works only for a fraction of a second. distraction itself is distracting, it doesn't take it away. it only makes you pretend it's gone. please. make it stop. make it stop feeling. make it not feel a thing. make it not feel pain. make it stop hurting. enough. enough. i've had enough.

Eff Yew.

2007-12-28T23:48:00.000+08:00

tomorrow i register myself at university.
sunday will be nothing.
monday i start day one of my PR degree program.
tuesday will be the dawn of a new day.
wednesday will be day two of my PR degree program.
thursday will be day three.
friday will be when i perform at Layar Tanchap.
it's saturday again. wow.

final words for the year that is 2007.
eventful.
several close to suicidal attempts. (lol!)
a lot of attention grabbing, mic wielding moments.
i learnt how to speak Malay. more than what i know at least.
a whole lot of heartbreaks.
a whole lot more of drunken escapades.
great job experiences.
i found out who friends really are. and who they aren't.
realized how hazardous my (spending) habits are.
also realized how much money i'd need to keep it up.
not yet figured how stupid i can be when it comes to boys.
like, seriously. stupid. "she's like the olymp-bitch champion!"
i've been bestowed the title "violent and abusive alcoholic", thanks to Masai.
memorable. some good times.
although the sisterhood's been a bit of a mess this year.
we need penang again, khairun.
or langkawi.
and we need plenty more of mawar.
chocolate-opoly nights. my place next time. and donuts.
and mocktails roulette! skip the alco for you girls. ;)
thanks for that night at rasta mawar. and fuz. he's not bad after all. heh.
i'm still trying to figure that one out. the boy. is. a. puzzle boggle scrabble. mind games.
i hate them testosterone creatures. we should all be gay. haha.
i see you roll your eyes at this one mawar.

shidots. you've been here for me.
even though you're there. in bloody london.
i still hate you for that.
but the lipglosses you bring home are candy!
red waja. that's classic.
i don't even remember how we got back to your place.
puking all over the outside of santha's car.
see, mabuk also still got control. haha!
and thanks for the brilliant birthday present idea.
i never put in so much effort for a boy's gift before.
come to think of it, i can't even remember what i got memin for his birthday.
or if i even got one for him. lol.
i still got the purse he got me though. still using it.
maybe i should like, go out with him kan?
make him buy me stuff like he used to.
we shopped at Esprit okay. god, that boy.
shit. snap out of it.
oh whatevs. you've been my one true best girlfriend.
from one boy to another. we go all the way back to 2001 babes.
and we'll make 2008 another year crossed in the books.
with hammy. my candy supplier. doctor in the making.
my baby girls will have one cool ass doctor aunty hammy!
ponteng school, get mc from aunty hammy.
and get free hotel rooms to crash after parties from aunty shidots.
but sorry ah, they'll learn to party from me first.
be the living legendary mommy. lol!
hams, kau hutang aku satu botol absinthe.
pour it in a juice bottle and say it's passionfruit.
i dont bloody hell care. i'll see you in January.
a lot of alcohol awaits us.

to another person i've been trying to scrape away since April.
i hate you. for doing what you did.
i hate you. because no matter how much you say you won't call or bother me.
you're still there.

like soap scum on bathroom walls. mud and grit.

tough stains on carpets. stubborn like wine spills on silk.

fuck you, for me ever meeting you was a mistake.

all the way back to that night in February 2006.

last words for 2007?

2008 better be good.

good things come when you're prepared.

so be prepared.

Pow.

2007-12-11T22:49:00.000+08:00

when you want it straight up they mess up and give you excuses.
when you want it kinder they shout and shove it in your faces.
when you want something from them they stupid and oblivious.
when you want nothing at all they think you got expectations.
what happened to being direct and transparent
it'd make things hell easier if you'd seen it comin'
what about thoughts in your mind you thought you could say
but when you wanna say it you find yourself not all that articulate

what the fuck.

Back to School

2007-12-11T00:21:00.000+08:00

it's been about 4 years since i went back. today i walked up the same stairs to the same office i used to be called up to when i got in trouble. but this time, i was getting my SPM certificate which i so conveniently didn't care to pick up all those years back. and the office has changed. somewhat. i preferred it before the renovations. i met my form one class teacher. that was cool. not much has changed really. except for a new building they now call 'block c'. it used to be the softball field, and where we had 'lompat tinggi' practice. i remember doing gymnastic flips over the bar instead of the back flip high jump. my house teacher thought i'd break my neck. friends thought it was cool! haha. but that was when i actually went to house practice. a bit later in my high school years, i skived and went out with my then boyfriend. those were the days. *sigh

Twenty

2007-12-02T22:24:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to me.

and celebrate World AIDS Day, wear a red ribbon. =)

xoxo

Snip Snap

2007-11-02T21:07:00.000+08:00

Dear Pash, Here is your single's love horoscope for Saturday, November 3:

Flirt, and flirt a lot today. Your magnetism's white hot right now and everyone around you feels it. Don't be afraid to ask that special person out. They won't be able to resist your charm.

my horoscope tells me wonderful things. but normally my self-esteem doubts it. you have no idea how this effects the levels of estrogen. it's nowhere near the delirium you'd experience from purchasing a RM400 Guess bag however, but it's within the same region. i should probably draw up a hierarchy of things that make me happy, although i doubt it'll be very accurate. i mean, i can't really be sure J.Co donuts can top Haagen Dazs' chocolate fondue. come on! that's asking for alot! *ehem*

talk about J.Co donuts. damn! that's all i can say. shtank you. ngahahahaha! dude, OMG! like, all the words combined into one big ass exclamation won't even come close to defining those bloody J.Co donuts. i'd be subscribing to 3 gyms with 2 personal trainers for each part of my body if i could live on those things. seriously. my favourites (top-bottom) : Why Nut, Coco C, Alcapone.

moving on...

did you know trips to the hair salon is very therapeutic? yeah. it's like, you walk into the place and it doesn't matter which obscure little town you're in (like, segamat) and you feel like you've been transported to Subang. or KL. like that. i got my hair cut. (again??) it's just to re-define the unruly mop i had as hair. see, the mohawk didn't grow out very graciously, hence i needed a cut to tame it a bit. now, all thanks to Teddy, (the hairdresser. more than 20 years experience, mind you) i have nice hair. short, sassy, and oh-so-sexy. lol! (the "oh-so-sexy" was added for dramatic effect.)

only two more papers to sit for, then i'm off! i SO can't wait to get away from this place. there's so many things i want to do... *daydream*

Bzzt.

2007-10-30T16:10:00.000+08:00

if you've noticed in my previous posts i have this penchant for monosyllabic sound effect-ish blog titles. i can't for the life of me figure why. i'm just genius that way. lol.

last weekend was recharge ('cas semula'??) at a'famosa melaka. recharge my foot! literally. we all had a mind-lifting experience of horse manure foot spa. gives a whole new dimension to mud therapy i'm telling ya. who needs volcanic earth? it was all organic shit (pun intended) from the moment you step foot into the venue. but blending into nature activities aside, the event itself was aight. i spent most of the night at freedom electric, partly because it was playing hiphop, and partly because it was the only air-conditioned tent.
solid gold was very cute, with the roller-skating ring and retro-ish music playing. very cool, very cool. then there was the foam bar, which was filled with, well, foam! everyone who walked out of that place looked like they were wearing Ugg boots looking like little eskimoes sesat in muddy land. it made for a very amusing watch. until, me and a couple of friends decided we couldn't hold in the temptation any longer and pergi masuk itu foam bar (me, albeit a tad bit hesitant of getting wet). the result, of course was us looking like the formerly described Ugg boot wearing eskimoes. oh we had fun! bubble baths ain't just for the Johnson & Johnson generation. kalau boleh install satu alat foam itu dalam shower di rumah, seronok beb!
besides that, there was the freedom AMP stage, which we didn't go to. neither did we go to the Global stage. oh but we sloshed to Godskitchen. Gods-bloody-muddy-as-hell-kitchen! (semua Reefa punya pasal! :p) managed to listen to Bass Agents play, mind you the stage was a bit far from where we were to see them, so yeah. we listened je.

all in all, penat gila babi (add more expletives here). my knees felt like popping off, my ankles were wobbly, my toes all covered in gunk. (ew, yeah i know)

balik, tidur. oh sedap betul tidur. nikmat yang tak terhingga.

Brownie Fine

2007-10-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

Miss Shidot, you ain't the only one with a mixer and an oven. Pash got mad baking skills ma'am!

Pash brownies as it got into the oven.

no pictures after it got baked, coz then you'll drool all over your keyboard and beg me for some of miss pash's brownies. i make them on special occasions. usually when people come over to the house. this time, i brought it over to my aunt's for Raya. i know shidot is very 'pemurah' and posts her recipe so everyone can try baking, unfortunately i can't put mine up. i'm not kedekut (puh-lease), it's just because baking isn't a chemistry experiment where you measure each ingredient to precision and expect a perfectly baked cake. the art is in throwing a whole bunch of stuff together and voila! also, the joy in baking is spontaneity. imagine feel-good movie scene where girl bakes cake (read: tries to bake), boy pokes around, girl taps him on the hand, boy splats flour on girl's nose, and they end up on the kitchen counter with no cake. yah?

so if you want a bite, come to the house! comprehende?

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

Excuse Me Miss

2007-10-14T23:14:00.000+08:00

i'd like to rectify a mistake i made in my previous posting. read through the last paragraph where it says 'moscow', it should be Baikonur, Kazakhstan. that was where the rocket lifted-off. russia rents the land from Kazakhstan after the 'dissolution' of the Soviet Union. yes, Kazakhstan was under Soviet rule. so were a lot of other "-stan" countries save for Pakistan. but that's another history lesson altogether.

alrighty then, now that's been clarified.

oh, our 'angkasawan' is a bona fide cosmonaut. apparently he is also gay. please tell me this is not true. (although i have people telling me who his 'partner' is.)

if y'all remember kenan from nickelodeon's "kenan & kel", do it like you know: "whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?"

Whoosh

2007-10-10T19:39:00.000+08:00

i am seated next to the television, watching the live telecast of hours building up to that good looking doctor being blasted off to space. i mean, literally blasted off to space. this Sheikh Muszaphar fellow is bloody hell good looking. i am looking at him right now. (yes, my computer is positioned right next to the black idiot box. that means i can watch mtv and youtube at the same time.)

i haven't seen this particular personality for quite a while now but he's mc-ing the telecast at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Center. i thought to myself, damn. i wanna be this dude. i mean, not be him like being him, but be like him. right. you get the picture. anyway, Mahadzir Lokman. thwack yourself or anyone on the head if you don't know Mahadzir Lokman. i remember him mc-ing my aunt's wedding some 10 years ago. i was little miss flower girl and couldn't care less about him at the time. but i remember him being put to the grill by my grand-aunt (the bride's mother. very fussy, hence the exquisite choice in an emcee.) he sailed right through the whole function. i mean, it was only a wedding. only a wedding.

so back to the story. what story? right. the telecast. the blast off. to infinity and beyond! hahaha. i can imagine Dr. Sheikh's little boy inside actually giggling and grinning and squirming in his seat while making Buzz Lightyear impressions. hahahahaha! *slaps knee*
he's been interviewed by many, i'm sure. but most if not all the interviews must have been very serious scientific experiment-oriented interviews. what about those with a touch of humour? i'd love to ask him if he ever wanted to become Buzz Lightyear when he watched ToyStory. or if he's being under all this spotlight because he's much more good-looking than the other dude. i bet when he comes back, he'll be in Cleo's most eligible bachelor 2008. maybe he'll be featured on the cover of GQ. lol! suddenly he'll be Malaysia's next hottest celebrity, he'll be invited to movie premieres and mediocre award shows. he'll beat Mawi and win Anugerah Bintang Popular. he'll star in Yusoff Haslam's next blockbuster soppy love movie. roight.

i've no idea what the big deal is. he's going off into space. bravo! the nation's proud of you. but what do i have to say about it? nothing much. i'm your average 19 year old teenage airhead. maybe i should read up on this and find out what the hoolaballoo is all about.

in less than 73 minutes, he'll be gone. and right now in moscow, he's sitting next to two other mat salleh astronauts being interviewed or something. and he's wearing that astronaut suit. we've all watched armageddon. and astronauts are hot.

lagi 3 hari nak raya dah.

Horror Scopes.

2007-10-04T15:25:00.000+08:00

Dear Pash, Here is your single's love horoscope for Friday, October 5:

Flirting's a great form of communication for you today. You're feeling so good you can't help but have fun with everyone. Be careful about being too friendly around those who are spoken for. You might ruffle some feathers.

I love reading horoscopes. Mine, especially. Haha! =D They tickle me. And it's so amusing to read. It's as if my future can be predicted by the mere alignment of the moon and sun to jupiter and venus. And it tells me nice things. So i like them.

My source of 'feel-good' juice.

Lai lai ci ci kang

2007-10-02T21:36:00.000+08:00

I’m writing this in between sipping my laici kang and eating my nasi kerabu on my study table in my hostel room. I’m not eating so much of my nasi kerabu, it being my favourite Kelantanese staple, but I’m paying more attention to my drink. This being the first time I ever drank laici kang. Go ahead, you can point at me and go ‘what??’ This drink never appealed to me, ever. I don’t know why suddenly it crossed my mind to actually buy it when I was buying buka puasa/dinner at the Ramadhan bazaar today. Maybe my curiosity got the better of me. So yeah, this drink…it’s actually really good. I mean, hunger and thirst amounting to starvation and severe dehydration not affecting judgement, it is good! And it’s a drink that really occupies me. You would ask why. Well it’s got all this stuff in it like barley and selasih and cincau and winter melon and mata kucing… But wait, if you’ve had laici kang before, you’d know all this. Okay. (que: point finger and laugh loudly) Fine, so I’ve found life’s little pleasures in a mug of laici kang; made even more pleasurable when you manage to sedut the last bit of barley or selasih with a straw. Haha! I love Ramadhan. For all the wrong reasons, but I love it anyway.

Because I know Shidot reads me on a regular basis, here’s a message for you babe.
So what if you can shop next to Sienna Miller and smell her hair, go terrorizing the Spaniards because you’re scarier than a bullfight, travel across Europe to go mabuk with Hammy while she spends taxes the average working Malaysian pays… You’re missing out on the good ol’ Ramadhan bazaar! You can hate me now! But hey, let’s go on a one month beach bum holiday for our graduation present to each other. I miss you. And i love you, i do. But NO RAYA SONGS!! I'm not going to email you Raya songs. NO!

the holidays

2007-10-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

i'm bugged by cellphones ringing out hari raya ringtones. text messages, phone calls... dude, it's crazy and it's driving me crazy. the fact these people just let their phones ring for awfully long on bloody purpose irks me too. yes, it's hari raya soon. i get it. blasting hari raya songs doesn't mean you truly understand the meaning of the occasion. so it means you're in the mood for festive cheer, but really. aid'l fitri isn't just about hari raya songs.

ramadhan's only half way through, chill. i can't wait to raya either. *smirk

burn scissors

2007-09-29T22:17:00.000+08:00

i hate my hair. why on earth did i cut my hair?? whyyyy?? fine, so the mohawk was cool. when it was a mohawk. i loved the mohawk! but now it has grown out, and it's a mess of hair on my head and i can't make it out to look decent. i look scruffy like a furball. i should just get it cut short again right? yeah. except, now i actually want to keep my hair long and never ever ever cut it ever again. genius, pash. totally. whatthefeck.

i have ugly hair!!!! and it's all over my face. it's disturbing my face's pH balance. *scream*

and therefore, makes me ugly too. blargh.

gunshot wound

2007-09-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

today i saw a person fall. from the high position she holds in society, the high regard people see her in, the almost always jovial and bubbly young woman she is, she became as distraught and distressed as anyone can possibly be. she fell, down 17 flights of stairs and came tumbling and crashing down, disgraceful and mortified. she cried. she cried and cried up to a point where she felt she couldn't cry anymore. not because she decided to pick herself up, but because she felt too lifeless. she couldn't move. not her hands, not her legs, not her body. all she wanted to do was to lay perfectly still and not move an inch. not even trying to breath. she contemplated attempting suicide. contemplating being the operative word. she pondered what methods would ease her of her pain the best and quickest way. she wondered if anyone will find her, and if they did, if they would care. she saw her life the past year flash in painful transitions before her. each picture a grim reminder of why she's where she is at that very moment. she never wanted to be where she was. she never was happy. the entire year, she was never once happy. only occasionally she receives messages from the people she loves and cares for. and that made her happy for only a fraction of a second that it lasted. she tried to pull through, living like an island. it seemed to work for a while. until everything caught up with her in a hurl of incidents like stones thrown to her face. now she lies broken. will she pick herself up? she always does. but will she do it this time around?

if i came to you crying, what would you do?

almost suicidal

2007-09-26T22:02:00.000+08:00

almost, not quite.

kill me for being malay but i hate being around so many people of the same race for an extended period of time. where have all the multi-coloured skins gone?

is it their attitude? the way they talk? the way they think? the way their brains work? the people they grew up with? the people they spend much of their life with? oh crud.

i am one, and i have an indescribable loathing for people of my own race. how unpatriotic is that? but maybe it's not their fault. it's not their fault that they are the way they are. to have been born into an environment where the only people they meet and socialize with are those who tick the same check box when filling in forms.

i should be ashamed of myself. but i am not. so call me whatever.

i miss my friends. i miss school.

this place saps the juice out of me.

actually. i miss people who speak english.

dead didders

2007-09-24T21:44:00.000+08:00

arr. hm. i received this mail in my inbox about a week ago and i've been holding off from reading that thing until i accidently clicked on that measly thing and now i'm agitated beyond the level of normal. okay fine, mild exageration. pfft~ you wanna know what the email subject was? you really do?

KNC 2007 motions

oh i almost cried. almost. i read through the list of motions that the entire Korean intervarsity debating community cracked over and i almost cried. giddammit. wanna know what they were? here, have a field day. maybe you'll feel like crying too.

Round 1: Korean Society
THW abolish the Ministry of Gender Equality & Family. (¡°Yeo-seong Bu¡±)
THBT commercial matchmaking businesses are detrimental to the Korean society.
THBT hostages should be required to pay all costs associated with their release.

Round 2: Ideologies
THBT socialism is beneficial for South America.
THBT Saudi Arabia should allow women into politics.
THBT the world should completely give up its effort to implant democracy in the Middle East.

Round 3: The Human Body
THW ban human body exhibitions.
THW harvest organs from executed prisoners regardless of consent.
THW remove custody rights of parents who deny medical treatment to their children on religious grounds.

Round 4: Universities
THW forbid political parties from having activities on university campuses.
THBT publishing university rankings does more harm than good.
THW prohibit corporate franchises from establishing branches on campus.

Round 5: Law and Justice
THW adopt a trial by jury for criminal cases.
THS direct election of Supreme Court judges.
THW hold parents responsible for the wrongdoings of juvenile delinquents under the age of 14.

Quarter-Final: Natives and Settlers
THW repeal all laws granting extra privileges for the Australian aborigines.
THBT only native languages, rather than European languages, should be the official language of African nations.
THBT governments should repeal land ownership rights of its native ethnic groups.

Semi-Final: The Third World
THBT environmental problems of the Third World are a responsibility of the First World.
THBT the First World nations should prohibit pharmaceutical corporations from conducting medical experiments on humans in Africa, regardless of consent.
THBT the British Museum should return its exhibit items to the former colonial states from which they were taken.

Final: US and the World
THBT the United States should cease supporting the Pervez Musharraf regime.
THBT the US should immediately lift all sanctions against Cuba.
THBT Spanish should be the second official language of the United States.

if you don't know how debates work, i am in no mood to explain. go google it or something.

now let me get back to almost crying. i'm devastated. *sniff

late nights

2007-09-22T21:08:00.000+08:00

i'm afraid i'm repeating my irregular sleep patterns again. this time, it's grey's anatomy. 7 DVDs equalling to 36 episodes from season 1 and 2 of the bloody emotion-sapping, sleep-depriving, unnervingly witty (yang) and endearing (o'malley) cast. oh and the surgeries. you get to see the insides of a human body turned out and suctioned. yum. really enhances one's appetite. *sigh

i can't sleep much for the next week and a half or so. assignments aren't piling up, they're just getting on my nerves the nearer to deadline it is. suddenly this problem pops out of nowhere, suddenly this essay needs more information than we already have, suddenly someone doesn't know how to do what they're supposed to have done a week ago. you know, the most impossible things creep up on you and go 'boo!'. i'd rather be curling up in bed with a book and a mug of hot chocolate. or curling up in bed with a nice warm body to snuggle cuddle wuddle into. *ehem* err... yeah. right.

anyhoos. another emotional problem solved. i think we might have just outdone ourselves this time. it's like as if we've died, went to heaven, got kicked out to hell, readmitted to heaven, sent back to hell for a little torture ritual, came back to life, and died again. 7 times over. it's not as if i didn't already see it coming. i'm the one who brought it to where it is. say hello and then pretend you never met the evil satan parasitic virus when it called to say it's over. done, through, zip, zilch, nada, negative. kapish? comprehende? bien? no? well, too bad. vafanculo! i'm sailing through another dimension in my life right now, and i'd like to sail smoothly right through it. you can pick up the bits and pieces of your guts you left trailing behind you on the floor and clean the mess up. it's not a nice view.

on a lighter note, a less violent and graphically disturbing one... i am blissfully oblivious of the fact that i'm turning into a stalker but at the same time acutely aware that my behavior may not be healthy. (think: taylor - ryan therapist thing) eurgh. i'm not taylor. I AM NOT TAYLOR! eeeek! okay shut up. shut up. i'm a perfectly sane young woman whose emotional rollercoaster is fuelled by estrogen. and that's healthy. totally. yeah. uhuh.

oh god. i'm loony. help.

bawang pun kecoh?

2007-09-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

oh check this out. a 54 year old man from iowa has been arrested for throwing an onion at his 27 year old wife's head. apparently he was drunk, got mad at his wife and plonked her with an onion. it hit the back of the woman's head and she told police it hurt her. she must've been a tomato head. lol. i mean, it's all good for anti-domestic violence and stuff but come on. an onion?? it could have well been an egg. but thank god it was only an onion. what if it was a mug, or a bowl, or a plate, or a vase, or a picture frame, or a lampshade, or...a ladle, or a pot, or a can of peaches?? (you get the point)

woman, i know the world is all for women's rights and all that but please. make some sense of yourself. a bloody onion... *mutters atrocities under my breath

jargons be jargons

2007-09-20T22:23:00.000+08:00

yes yes. let jargons be jargons coz i know none of its meaning much less what the hell it's all about. *mumbles "Mintzberg...Maslow...what the effs..."

dude, i extracted keywords from like 6 chapters of management in half an hour for a test which was in another 2. genius! and i was up since sahur to finish writing a marketing plan in 3 hours and 10 minutes. double genius.

deadlines are assisted murder. but no one ever gets convicted. because no one ever really dies, or found really guilty.

i've been holding up pretty okay this puasa month away from the family. i don't go for terawikh prayers (my mom would go ballistic!) but i've been waking up very dilligently for sahur. which is very unlike me because i've never been one to wake up at 5am and crawl groggily to eat unless i've been forced to get up by my mom banging on my bedroom door like if i don't wake up and eat, the food will all spin to life and attack us. but yeah, so far so good. i haven't missed sahur yet. in fact, i actually want to eat. i need the food really, or i won't survive a whole day walking in the blistering heat to and from classes.

i've been writing in between finishing assignments. i felt like i had to get the juices flowing coz some people like it juicy. moist like chocolate cake. i figured if i get at least 3 songs down, i'd record at the end of the year. we'll see.

i miss my girls like crazy. each one of them. i can't wait to get to shah alam next year. cross fingers my application passes. it'll be the start of a new beginning of sorts. unfold a brand new story, brand new feeling, brand new day. and perhaps it'll be the start of something wonderful.

i want to pick up wall climbing again. i miss the sport.

grumble

2007-09-14T14:33:00.000+08:00

my tummy grumbles like the storm is coming. *dark clouds in the sky*

and i can't write. wow. wasn't it only last night or something that i was going on and on about... something. see? i told you. my brain functions are somewhat limited given the weather conditions...and also my stomach's bewilderment at not finding anything to digest with all that tummy acid.

selamat berpuasa.

Jangan Takut

2007-09-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since my last rendezvous with a pen and paper. managed to scribble this down in about 2 minutes, mixed feelings of desire and dreams.

***

angan-angan dan mimpi itu indah
seperti layang-layang dan bintang
hati tak bisa berkata-kata, hanya perasaan bisa diluah
kalau berpegang pada mimpi takut jatuh
pada janji mungkin sakit
percaya satu, hati tak mudah goyah
namun janji bisa berubah
tenung mataku dan lihat, jawapan itu ada.

jangan takut pada apa yang kau percaya
takkan lemah hati kerana cinta
takkan jatuh tanpa bangkit semula
kalau tidak seperti yang kau jangka
mungkin belum tiba waktunya
semua cerita akan terurai
satu perjalanan yang selesai, telah ditemui kesudahannya.

irama pola aura jiwa

Puas Hati

2007-09-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

if you missed phlowtron's launch at planet hollywood, you missed a mad show. malaysia's hiphop finest, minus one bad egg. lol.

it was a good day out, a good night out. i am now able to withstand 18 hours in 3 and a quarter inch heels. and you can lick my toes after. hah.

"oh bawalah daku bersama mu oh sayang
kita kan terbang ke angkasa, ke kayangan..." - Oh Cinta, Warisan Senikata Malaya.

got my free phlowtron album, and currently diggin Oh Cinta and Suara Dunia. if you don't have it yet, check phlowtron.com.my for snippets.

Oh Cinta brings me to that someone. a very 'let me ride with you, baby' kinda song. the track also features my big brother Cat Farish and his Fabulous Cats. Adeep's vocal adlibs gives it that twang. you know you got it down if you got Cat on your wagon. it's a surefire mix like flaming lamborghinis. except, this track's more like having a Bellini while digging your toes into the sand on the beach, and baby waves gently washing over your feet.

"Bagaimanakah hilangnya nilai dunia
bagaimanakah isi hati di suara
bagaimanakah menerangi kegelapan
bagaimanakah ikhlas memberi harapan..." - Suara Dunia, Warisan Senikata Malaya

Suara Dunia is a track dedicated to the world, hence "Suara Dunia". listening to the song makes me see images of war and disease flashing in my head. those typical UN-type adverts...yeah, those kinds. Former member Arafah gets writing credits, but somehow i wanted to hear her 16 bars on this one. would have been cool.

other tracks include the single, Adikku Pandai Menari; malay rap in Bicara Neguran; the snazzy Phlowtron Jones featuring AtomDaBomb; a little bit of joget in Warisan Senikata Malaya; and Kau Harus Percaya with Lady D.

i am hungry. craving meat. a huge chunk of meat, grilled to perfection. i'ma go get food.

toodles bitches!

freedom

2007-08-22T12:44:00.000+08:00

not mine. not yet.

but this my boys' single "Freedom".
in FOUR languages, son. they got it. you don't.
take a listen here.

KLG SQWAD ~ LABOUR OF LOVE.

Ratta Taa Ta

2007-08-16T19:00:00.000+08:00

i find sean ghazi's singing oh-my-fucking-mind-blowingly sexy. *groan

take a listen to his crooning on 'ku impikan bintang', you'll probably have to control your insides from making 360 degree flips and squirming like a handful of wormies in a glass jar. well, perhaps only if you're a female species or if you're gay. but then again, i trust he can make any straight testosterone charged male with a ding-a-ling turn gay anyway. dammit. why???

i'm turning cuckoo. help.

i counted how many weeks i have left in this place, guess what? EIGHT WEEKS!! yes, you can't believe it either. but now something else is bothering me more than scoring a B+ average for this term's exams. something more frightening than not scoring a B+ average for this term's exams. shoot me. now. before i keel over and vomit nasty things on your lap. bwahahaha~

i'm just being totally ob-freaking-sessed! my future is now in the hands of UiTM's automated degree application system. uhuh. yeah. i'll be fine, the computer will probably recognise me from this internet cafe's IP address and let me pass through the applicant sifting process. yeah. ROIGHT!

i feel nauseous. all the time. like an overbearing hangover that wouldn't go away. i feel like i need to be put on a staple diet of flu meds. those little pink ones they give you at the UiTM clinic. which does nothing to alleviate the flu, but just make you feel better because it tells your brain that you've taken something to help cure the flu. uhuh. yeah. i feel better already. (ps: i don't have the flu.)

i feel like a monkey with the hibbiejibbies. i'm constantly fidgeting. i feel agitated. i need something to calm me down. calm me. down. now. *gasp*BELLINI*gasp*

eight weeks, pash. just eight more weeks. have self-restraint. and control.

i'm acting like i'm having withdrawal symptoms from quitting medication cold turkey. lol.

my girlfriends are probably as much of a wreck as i am, them already doing their degrees and with a whole lot more workload than me but i'm sorry if i feel as if they're having more fun than i am. (maybe i just miss you girls...and can't wait to move in, but that's another story)

suddenly i write, and i write a lot of nonsense.

Blah.

2007-07-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

not very articulate when it comes to titles. so whatever. i haven't been writing, and it's obvious. perhaps boredom inspires me more than everyday happenings. perhaps everyday happenings happen too often to be of any significance that i'd write about it everyday. or perhaps... just perhaps. perhaps whatever.

ultimately, i am fucked up bored to the point of running wild and spray painting foul words on all the security guards' 'kontena' posts. LOL!!! (i really wish i could, really...) but considering it's my last semester, i'm appealing for a fucking bed for me to sleep on in the residential fucking college, i'm also a part of the student representative council secretariat, i want to be a part of the contingent to this year's VC Cup, and i want a fucking B+ average so fucking badly, i shall content to swearing right here, right now. (as if it isn't already apparent that i'm doing it right now...)

what genius made me come back to campus on a fucking friday and spend the fucking weekend here in this godforsaken compounds?? good grief. it was my own genius. i wrote myself the exemption letter, necessary allowing me to register on 13th July, the very latest. was that just pure genius or just me being too kind to help myself. geez.

this semester, although will only see 13 weeks of class and daylight, has me taking 5 subjects to fulfil 15 credit hours. great. no, not really. but 13 weeks is. so that equals a whole lot of workload within the short span of 13 weeks. 13 fucking weeks and i'm over with this shit!!! isn't that AWESOME!!! for fuck's sake, let's get this all over and done with in the shortest amount of time and the least amount of drama from classmates and lecturers, alike. but on the other hand, if butt-kissing gets me ahead, why not. if butt-kissing and butt-kissing alone awards me with the grade i need to graduate with enough to apply for a degree in PR, so butt-kissing is the way to go. that is, if all else fails. but failing is not a bloody option. butt-kissing, on top of cute and super bright genius induced remarks in class and either one of my arms shooting up in the air fast like a bullet to answer all those stupid questions the others can't answer is definitely a better choice. now Pash, pretend like you're the A+ star quality student you've always denied yourself the liberty to be. (but only because you chose not to be the A+ star quality student with a crown shining on your head.)

what i need to do now, is get to Monday as fast as the earth would spin around the sun, get my fees paid, get to class and around campus (ehem, library, football field, cafeteria) ...and start looking for this semester's eye candy. one can't get over a semester without eye candy. and copius amounts of chocolate.

i also need an all-expense paid trip to langkawi, booze included. or that junior suite package at hotel maya. anybody?

Kick Punch.

2007-06-28T01:07:00.000+08:00

i've always had this feeling of punching someone. in the face. well, actually i've got a few people i'd punch in mind already but then again, it's because i can't get away with violence with no justification. so someone, make me mad so i can sock you one in the face.

i actually was talking to mawar about punching anwar. funny how their names rhyme, but they're from two different planets, of two different biological make-ups. anwar's an ape who would interrupt a discussion and say 'fuck you' in one breath. and mawar's from the sisterhood. she thumped anwar on the head. go figure. i wasn't there to witness female aggression in its most subtlety, i'm begging for a chance. please!

Oh Em Gee!

2007-06-13T00:14:00.000+08:00

dude, i cried at the ending of The OC! i'm such a dork, whatevs. and i also can't write much nowadays i don't know why. it's like, ew. i'm such a ditz! ehmagod. too much reading wikipedia and bbc.com maybe. maybe.

i've come to this conclusion, for no reason: i'm a loser. haha!

shidot's home. am i happy excited or am i happy excited?? duh!

*just imagine me being partly blonde. it's my ambition. lol.

Dwoh!

2007-06-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

i am uninspired. thank you.

but absolutely loving Joss Stone's "Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now"

piss off.

Okay Something More.

2007-05-27T18:30:00.000+08:00

contrary to my post previously demeaning skinny ass skanks, i think i'm gonna starve myself until i lose 5 kilos and weigh only 45. really. watch me. i've been 50 kilos since FOREVER and still can't find a decent pair of jeans with a fit that flatters me!!! HELLO??!! i'm on the verge of throwing a fit and cutting up my thighs!!!

AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!

be a bitch and just tell him, pash...

Glob Glob

2007-05-27T16:39:00.000+08:00

it's sunday. again. like it is every week, every seven days. duh. i've been reduced to diggin for Vanilla Ice lyrics and memorising them for Masters' Night. LOL LOL!! Dan and the boys are planning some parody shit to perform that night and since i'm a motormouth and the only one capable of rapping, i've been given the honour. *smirk*
but seriously, i'm sorta kinda psyched to do this with the boys. i'm just gonna be zonked out of my head before i take the mic. *grin

so sunday's boring. tell me something i don't already know.

gonna go watch The OC now. let me know if you think he's close to being my boyfriend. i'm SO dying already. pfft~

Dark Deep

2007-05-22T18:43:00.000+08:00

i've figured out the secret of those super stick thin tall as lamp posts all skin and bones no flesh type-a models. not even a 15 degree curve of hip or ass. boobs are non-issue, we all heard of hormone pills and silicone. the findings...are not so shocking. just never talked about: THEY ARE MEN!

that's right. men, with (or used to have) little wiggly things between their legs we ladies call a dick. anatomy-wise, a penis. whatever.

the point is, we girls now don't have to starve ourselves sick just to be a size 6. because those who normally do are naturally petite, it's their DNA. or, they don't have all that ass and flesh because it's not their DNA, i.e. they are the lucky species of males who don't grow pot bellies and facial hair.
although i almost burst out in tears if i have to ask for a bigger size than 8. but 8 is always better than 6. because it means you got humps that can't possibly fit in a meagre size 6. ya getting the drift so far?

then this also questions the gender of other models in the market. i'm talking local fashion industry here. the female man is becoming more and more sophisticated in the sense that it's almost difficult to really be sure of its birth gender. yes i refer to them as 'it'. because they are neither him or her, nor he or she. therefore, 'it' best describes them.

so what if i'm anti-transgender. God only made 2 genders.

Do I Need a Title?

2007-05-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

aa it's been nearly more than a week since my last post yes? too many things in my head (as always), too little words (as always), i feel like i don't have enough fingers to type out words on a keyboard which letters are scattered in such a way that it was bestowed the name "QWERTY". lol.

you don't understand do you? go away. i don't want to talk to you. (not now anyway dah-ling...)

*** today's just a bunch of randoms ***

i want dots, hams and baby. come home, please. NOW?!!!

propose to me with a white 3-door A 200 Turbo Mercedes, i don't dig Harry Winston or Tiffany rocks.

i miss pigging out on ramly burger and super ring, and PS2 sessions with baby.

suddenly i wanna do a video of my school and my girlfriends, with parodies about our teachers. "passsshaaaaaa.....where's your homework? last week oso never pass up horrr....!!" lol. add math classes i used to skip.

i think gwen suddenly grew boobs after having a kid. verdict: throw silicone out! let's make babies.

the CLV single i'm featured on is out and getting airplay. "Menarilah" featuring Pashionate and Caprice.

my brother got kicked out of uni. so stupid, but i'm so proud of him. *sob

currently diggin Beyonce's "Upgrade U".

if i can super fast forward to next year, i would only fast forward school so i can get out of Johor faster faster!!

get me a super rich super stupid but super good looking guy just so i can leech of him. haha!

i also want the new Samsung phone. not a fan of Samsung at all, that's saying something.

I think Diddy should stick to rapping and let Nicole do the Zinging.

I also think Paris should do a fashion shoot while in prison. that will be UBER HAUTE COUTURE!

i'm allergic to cigarette smoke. because it makes me feel like going to the jamban. lol.

i love Love LOVE... nothing.

i can go on.

and on.

and on.

you do realise.

i'm not saying anything at all?

good.

so why are you still reading this?

Sunday Jazz

2007-05-06T14:52:00.000+08:00

it's sunday and i'm home, bored as hell. where goes my regular sources of entertainment? hm. i've got none. it figures, since besties are all abroad. one's in london shopping and shopping, one's in czech dissecting bodies and spending taxpayers money (more of it, apparently they got a pay rise), my favourite cousin's battling A-Levels in Cheltenham... *sigh. sundays just shouldn't be spent at home, waking up late and pigging out in front of the tv with a huge bottle of Frost root beer and mom's kuih gunting. parent's are out, i was supposed to follow them to a wedding or something. but i really can't be bothered enough to go to a stranger's wedding. should i even care who's getting married with whom when where and what food they're serving?? (shakes head) exactly. besides, the invitation was for my father. so let him go with his wife, why drag me along. but yeah, i'm not at the wedding so there's really no need for me to keep whining. except, this is for the other innumerable times i have been dragged to unknown people's weddings and find myself wondering why i'm at this table eating this plate of nasi minyak and if my being here made the wedding any more memorable.

my insides are screaming because i'm suppressing my want to throw a tantrum. just because i feel like it. plus the fact that no one listens to me, or even if they do, they don't understand me, so makes the conflicting inner parts of me rage with even more gusto. actually, it's probably because i don't talk to anyone about anything and so causes myself to be sick and tired of listening to myself. there. that makes more sense now doesn't it.

what i'd rather be doing on a sunday is going for a movie, caramel frappucino at starbucks afterwards, a walk around the mall (window) shopping, digging into a 5-scoop Baskin Robbins sundae, talk about philosophical things like why people think i'm a snob (lol), browse the shelves of MPH flipping through cookbooks and heiress autobiographies, pizza for dinner at Italiannies, and curl up with a book and mug of hot chocolate. and i'd love to do this with...someone. =)

oh, here comes the parents. they're home and brought lunch for me (i hope). turra!

Dear Life. Or Death.

2007-05-02T19:32:00.000+08:00

The news clip from News Straits Times, dated 1st May 2007, which incidentally is Reshween's birthday and day of death. To read more, click here.

Reshween Sonia Kaur, 1988 - 2007

"though we only met in school, but because we were in school."

Uhuh. Yeah. Whatevs.

2007-05-01T21:34:00.000+08:00

i should really be blogging more, now that i'm on holidays and since i've also caught myself talking to myself (ehem) more than the average time an average person would talk to themselves on average. so, yes. conclusion made, i should be writing a lot more now. i have the time. (right) and i have all that i want to say to myself that i can say to other people. (uhuh) and plus, i've been so preoccupied with thoughts, this, and that, and...*mind trails off* (yeah) so i really do think that i should be blogging more. right? (whatevs) so anyway... (where was i?)

"you need to read to impress, especially if it's something someone is reading..."
location: MPH Midvalley
date and time: 27th April 2007, between 12.30 - 1pm.

a highschool junior of mine died early this morning after celebrating her birthday with friends and her boyfriend. 3 of them died actually. the boyfriend is in ICU. they were all drunk. the accident happened somewhere along the highway opposite the Carlsberg brewery, just before Subang Jaya. ironic? you think. was God being cynical? i thought so. but He can't be that mean. can He? we've been told and warned countless times of the dangers of driving drunk. nothing seems to make an impact. it's as if our ears are impertubable. but having a close example occur when no one was expecting it, feels like a splash of icy cold water smack in the face. it still seems surreal to me. her death. i couldn't recall her face when i was told about it, but i knew her name was familiar. then i saw a picture of her, and yes. i do know her. i remember her. we were in the school pageant together. now i can't forget her face. a lesson learnt. next time when you're drunk, get a cab back home.

Some 1. 2. 3.

2007-04-24T14:33:00.000+08:00

currently i is listening to this lady rapstar, PSALM One, straight from Southside Chicago. fookin dope, she's no Eve Lil' Kim whatever. check track 8, 'Rapstar' from her album "The Death of the Frequent Flyer". released by Rhymesayers Entertainment.

Shush.

2007-04-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

i'm not in the mood for writing. somehow, things just aren't going too well. with this and that and everything else whizzing through my mind...where's Calm when you need it? where's Company when you want someone to talk to? where's Clarity when you're confused? where's Courage when you need to say someting? nevermind. don't mind me. nobody ever does. just be quiet and walk out the door like you never saw or heard me.

if there was one thing i want now, it's not a thing. it's more of a presence. a feeling. that little tick that makes your heart beat just a little bit faster. again, nevermind.

14 months an elaborate affair. too much too handle? you would think i'd had enough already. well, i have. i've had enough of something i didn't need. much less want. but then didn't i want it? maybe i did, just a little. so now i changed my mind, will you punish me for that? what punishment do i deserve for wanting a little bit more, but refusing after waiting too long? life's too short, and the world a bigger place. so let me live and release me from the confines of these four walls and glass windows.

just shut up and let go. i'm sick and tired of bouncing back and forth. just shut up.

Ouh Ah Uhuh. Uh.

2007-04-03T13:55:00.000+08:00

the ad-libs at the beginning of Heard 'Em Say. hahaha. (mentang-mentang Kanye West in concert, he's the only thing on my playlist.)

the end is near, the end of semester i mean. i thought it'll never ever be over but finally it will. soon. and so 4 months or so in the jungles of Segamat has probably done me good. really, i mean it. things have been so-so gravy to the point that i no longer feel nauseous and home-sick as often as i used to. but then again it might be the fact that i go home almost every fortnight, and on the weekends that i don't go home, there's some event or function on campus that i'm involved in. see, so it really hasn't been all that bad.

dear friends, i have indeed been surviving the valleys of Johor. your worries have been diminished. *grin

exams are in april. term holidays start in may. i'll be home soon, people.

Love.

Return of the Monster

2007-03-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

the nail-biting monster is back and more ferocious than ever. for the past 2 months the nails on my fingers have been thriving oh-so-wonderfully. and then out of nowhere, the monster decides to pay my poor nails a visit. now my fingers are bare of nails, forlorn and lost without it's crown. none of which is my fault, i refuse to take responsibility for actions not mine. perhaps it's some sub-conscious part of me that triggers this monster's attack. perhaps. but for now, i have to guard my fingers with a gusto. now where's that bottle of nail-biting monster repellant....

What Do You Call the -logue After It's Ended?

2007-03-25T16:59:00.000+08:00

13 months an elaborate affair. short of a relationship, but running complications like balls of tangled string. memories flood and images run in a flurry like the wind chasing clouds. but it wasn't all a mess. it was a good run. like my hair blowing in the wind. superstitious to a point, maybe a black cat crossed my path mid-way. i broke a mirror, walked underneath a ladder. what else did i do and still not realise the omens flashing in my face like a hazard light?

Blank Stares.

2007-01-14T15:31:00.000+08:00

(this should've been posted on friday. but, yeah. it's here now innit?)

***

First day accomplished. Second day breezed. Apparently I’m not required to attend Preservation class, which leaves me with Wednesdays free after 10am and Thursdays absolutely free. That’s awesome except, I’ve class early Friday morning. Yes, this one I’m sitting at right now. Dang it. Somehow I think my schedule’s a bit messy. It leaves me with a lot of idle time. And what am I to do with all that time? Town’s like aeon minutes away, through a jungle of rubber and oil palm tree plantations. The problem is, the only way there is by the consolidated yellow school buses (haha, yea. Laugh because it’s funny). The buses don’t leave until the driver thinks he has sufficiently filled up his bus and is worth the fuel and effort to navigate through windy roads. Cars for rent are expensive. RM6 for an hour? That excludes fuel, mind you. Besides, I’m crap at driving manuals and I do not want to end up in a ditch with a stray babi hutan. The good news is that KL is only 3 hours away. *grin* HOME SWEET HOME! *ehem* Roight.

I’ve been terribly homesick since I got here. With the only consolation of Bobby’s 2 hour phone calls, and various text messages from beloved people. I need to personalize my room. Make it homier. As it is, I’ve tonnes of food to last till next week. My table laden with books to keep me occupied and of course, the ever loyal rhyme book. But since I’ve been here, I haven’t had any inkling of inspiration to write. It’s as if I’m lost. I can’t find my way around this place, and I can’t find my way around my head. The library has always been a personal sanctuary. Yes yes, call me nerdy geeky, whatever. But I like libraries for the fact that it gives me quiet and people are expected to not bother you and give you quiet. However, the library here is akin to being in a marketplace. Even bookshops are quieter than this library here. Plus, it’s always infested with a lot of people. I mean, a LOT. It’s packed. It’s noisy. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not a library! It’s a chicken coop! Gaaah.

Internet’s not really a problem. Not really. Access is available, there’s an internet café on the ground floor of my college block. Not exactly my standard of speeds, but better than nothing I suppose. Obviously. How else am I posting this, right? Other than that I guess I can live. Until my first trip back home for the weekend, one week down, a gazillion more to go. *sigh*

Lots of love, loved ones.

Click. Vroom. Whirr.

2006-11-10T01:11:00.000+08:00

I, have a new toy. *delirious laughter*
meet Ken, the juicer machine. Ken makes juices. *slurrp* ahhhh. yum.
well the said electrical appliance is not exactly brand new, but let's just say...it's only recently been unleashed from it's packaging. *grin*
now my fruit diet can really be in motion.
"Better Slim Than Dead" <--- repeat mantra three times daily before meals.

then have a healthy meal of rice and sambal goreng tempe and ikan bilis. *urrb*
tee-hee.

i'm not feeling particularly articulate today. thank you.

(something smells good...like, Dior Addict 2)

i love youuuu-hooooo! ;)
i do, but she's gotta go or i'll be on the verge of scratching her face-less and slashing her not-so-pretty head off her bony shoulders.

Sejuk Bodoh.

2006-10-15T03:43:00.000+08:00

the air conditioning has to be switched on, so Mikey won't overheat so much and suddenly decide to turn itself off.
so while i'm freezing, even beneath covers, Mikey gets pampered. all cool and breezey.
what a brat my laptop is. grrr.
well but then i can't say it isn't entirely my fault. i manja him too much. first the external fan, then that doesn't work so i give him the mother of all coolers. i should try if Mikey likes being put in a fridge. i should also not say all this about him while i'm actually typing on him. heh.

anyways. anyhoos.

i don't like the cold. i don't like being cold.
someone throw me a Bobby. =) brrr.

Adoi. My Kepala Lutut.

2006-10-08T16:55:00.000+08:00

apparently, i have the ability to trip, even within the confines of my house and without wearing shoes.

brilliant! *kaching*

i have jelly beans for toes. peanut-butter flavoured. wanna taste my feet?
*chuckles*

hey, that super hot toy is about to get Pash-ed.
he's been forwarned. now i'ma lay it down.

i'm looking forward to:
1. the KLG boys' album droppin'
2. the CLV boys' single spinnin'

all of this, soon.

i'm psyched! i'm psyched! *jiggle*

In Loving Memory

2006-10-06T21:17:00.000+08:00

i am in grieve. the loss of dearest tommy has left a scar.
*sob*sob*

i have to move on now. with mikey. he is not tommy, admittedly although he resides in tommy's old body. the spirit of tommy will haunt mikey and me. mikey will forever now live in the shadow of tommy and be the victim of constant comparisons to the late tommy.

but i hope mikey will be strong and prove his might. at least, prove himself worth of tommy's departure.

dear tommy, i love you. i shall miss you, and all of my memories that you have taken with you. believe me, nothing will ever come close to you. you hold that spot.

Tommy, Dell Inspiron 5150, July 2004 - 4 October 2006.

Keroncong Bunyi Perutku

2006-10-03T14:54:00.000+08:00

i'm too hungry to think, to write of anything.
but in this hunger, i can only think of one person dear to me, whom i've quite recently neglected. what has happened? what brought us apart? what pulled us in total opposite directions?

answers to these question may strengthen our fragile friendship.

spaces in between people tend to grow.
then it becomes vacuum.
memories of the past, and visions of the future, exist within that vacuum. the present non-existent.

let's talk about changes, and differences.
of old friendships, and newly built relationships.
why people change the way they do, and if that change is good or not so.
if sometimes you have to take a step back and retrace the past.
to be who you were, or to be who you are?
or, to be who you will be?

let's all grow together.

to girlfriend, i love you. you're my bitch.
yes, u may think i have changed, but my name is still the same.
that means, i'm still here.

Oggle Ogle Ooo.

2006-09-24T03:43:00.000+08:00

i just noticed. the past posts were very 'unhappy'. i should have a more cheerful take on things, don't you think? *happy*happy*

when spirits are high, i'll write happy. but for now, Happy Ramadhan everyone.

(i have no Ramadhan resolutions, except to lose weight.)

The Gawking Gap

2006-09-18T11:57:00.000+08:00

it's time to let go. so let's go. *sigh*
this won't be easy. but i've to learn and gain courage, even if it means digging into the deepest pits of my gut and barfing it all out. the keyword here: LET GO

let time do the turning. let it do what it does best: make you forget. because it's the best possible way, the best possible move to make. a tough decision, but one that i can't whine about and i've to stop being a baby and just take it face-on.

to you, i'm doing this for myself. because you never do anything for me. so i've to take the lead and start doing this for the person that matters most: ME. thank you for everything that you've done, and for everything you've not done. it works both ways to show me what i am, and also what i'm not. i've realised that i can avoid being stupid. instead of being stupid, realising it but still being stupid. i'm not going to let you make me feel stupid. this time, let you be the one to feel like an idiot. because i've had enough of it. you'll not understand why i feel this way, why i'm suddenly bitter and resentful. but if you do understand, then i won't have to deal with this and we could be what i wanted us to be. unfortunately, and apparently from all your actions that you've shown, we want different things. and these things which are different, they'll tear us further apart than we already are. i can't say i hate you because i don't. but sometimes i do. i don't know. you've made me a person that's confused and irrate. the things i do that i should not be doing, but for you. it's taken a lot for me to come to this decision, here and now. it's not on a whim. it's something i've been sleeping on for days. i just kept quiet about it. because i felt i still needed something to hold on to. but i can't keep doing this. i can't keep being weak and holding on to something that's not strong for me to be strong. it's over. i'm done with all this bullshit and bollocks. i'm letting go. goodbye.

we shall be friends. but just that. friends.
and friends don't do things that we used to do. no more of those.

HELLO BREATH OF FRESH AIR! i needed you. *breathe*

hello hot fudge. it's good to hear from you again. *smiles*

A Clear View

2006-09-08T00:13:00.000+08:00

looking through the glass, i wonder if what he sees is me. *squints*
but through the glass, some images get distorted. will it be?

looking through the glass, he sees me. just me.
underneath all the layers of pretense and cover-ups.
he's got that night-vision thing, he sees through the dark and cloudy.
he reads me like a book. better still, like a user's manual.
but like every user, sometimes you just keep pressing the wrong buttons even when you know it's not going to work.
he's the sweetest thing ever.
so understanding, yet never unreasonably obliging.
always giving, yet demands attention at the same time.
my Prozac. my anti-depressant.

bila jalan ini temui persimpangan
arah mana akan kau tujui?
kalau di satu ujung ada suatu yang mendesak
yang menolak-narik kau
yang memaksa-maksa kau
namun
kalau di satu ujung lagi ada cita-cita kau
yang kau inginkan
yang hati kau impikan
apa kah akan jadi satu taruhan?
maka kau harus tau
hati aku takkan berpaling
ketika saat kau mengambil langkah
kiri, kanan.
arah mana yang kau tuju itu
aku akan berada di ujung satu penjuru
melihat kau
kira arah yang kau ambil itu jadi penentu
antara kepentingan kau dan harapan aku
antara kehendak kau dan kemahuan aku
terpulang.
persimpangan itu adalah pilihan
kalau jalan itu jalan yang kau mahu
setapak yang kau ambil
adalah setiap nafas dan degupan jantung
hingga akhirnya di ujung jalan itu
kau bertemu aku.

Hati. oleh Aku.

2006-09-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

kalaupun aku bisa memilih
aku takkan merubah
kalau merubah itu maksudnya memaksa

kalaupun aku bisa
aku tak mahu
kalau itu menyakitkan

sebenarnya apa
yang diucap itu kalau hanya kata
yang dirasa itu kalau hanya perasaan

apa itu niat
kalau kita hendak mencuba
namun akhirnya dengan derita

hati aku tak bisa kuat
hati aku tak bisa bertopeng
kalau lelah dan penat aku itu hati yang merasa

kalau hati tak bisa diubah
kalau hati itu sudah hancur
akan kah keping keping hati itu kau cantum kembali

ternyata kalau hati aku itu hanya cebisan
dibandingkan kuatnya hati kau
yang kuat itu telah robek

dan cebis hati aku masih berpaut teguh
kalau yang hati kuat kau bisa aku dapat.

If. Just If.

2006-07-23T03:52:00.000+08:00

"hey boy what's your name again
coz i been watchin you while you playin your game
i think i've met you before, it must be that sexy grin
why don't you come on over here and let a conversation begin..."

from the top of my head. i had those lines floating around, i just had to grab em and put em down. anyway, ten or so days from my last post and what has been buzzin..? apparently, nothing much. but i'm feeling like a monologue. or a "one-person conversation". i wanna talk ah. but i don't know who i should talk to. let's see if i can decide this right here.

***

shit. i've been listening to sad soppy r&b ballads. like it's not a bad thing okay, but i'm actually listening to every friggin syllable of it! hello? am i just bored or am i just plain sad. ick. and i've been playing it on repeat. i'm definitely cracked.

***

i can't think ah. things have been pretty crazy lately. like suddenly there're new people taking place in my life. and i've to get used to it. i've to get used to all these new people and i've to learn to accept the fact that all these people exist although not directly involved in my life but somehow intertwined and interconnected with all the other people in my life. sometimes i don't like it. but i don't really have much of a choice. grrr~
so i'm selfish. and i hate sharing with other people when it's really unnecessary to. why can't i be selfish without people telling me i'm being unreasonable? why? why is it so wrong for me to want what i want, and i want it all to myself, for myself. and everybody else can go look for second best. fuck off! like, seriously. F U C K bloody O F F !!

***

i want you. yes, i want YOU! and i hate knowing the fact that you may have so many other people who have you as part of their lives. yes, i am bloody effing selfish and it's going to kill me. what i'd like to do now is to screw those airhead Barbie dolls' heads off their plastic shoulders and throw them into a river! i am mad! i'm mad! i'm MAD!!!! i'm mad with myself for being so stupid! ugh, GOD! can i be any more disgusted with me than i already am.

***

i'm just mad because i don't have you and not having you kills me. the fact that you are not exclusively mine makes me bitter and angry. the fact that i don't know how to make you mine shows some part of weakness in me and i hate knowing that i'm weak. the fact that you might be in love with someone that isn't me scares me the most. i swear i miss you.

Q&A thing.

2006-07-03T15:09:00.000+08:00

[ NOW ]
Current mood: lazy.
Current music: FO'3
Current taste: peanut butter and jam.
Current hair: red. but my roots are growing out already. blah.
Current clothes: i'm still in my pajamas. =D
Current annoyance: excessive sebum and zits.
Current smell: my pillow. well, it smells of me.
Current thing I should be doing: cleaning up my room. and laundry.
Current windows open: what, my room windows? none are open. the airconditioning is on.
Current desktop picture: russel with his ear and scalp bleeding.
Current favorite band: ashraf's Sakti!!
Current book: none. havent been reading in a long while.
Current cd in stereo: stereo's defunct.
Current crush: ouh. uhh. well....it constantly changes. but i've probably got like 7 of 'em. so...yeah.
Current favorite celeb: i don't idolise celebrities. hm.

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: occasionally. who would pass up free fags.
Do drugs?: ah. no. *grins
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: dreams? pfft. i wish my ex boyfriend would come back. lol.
Remember your first love?: yes. and i also know his current gf.
Still love him/her?: oh with all the other ex-boyfriends and the 7 crushes...he's pretty much forgotten.
Read the newspaper?: yes, of course. i NEED to know about Gusmao's resignation.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes. the world is full of beautiful, albeit sexually unconventional, people.
Believe in miracles?: yes. there's Noah, Moses, Jesus, Mohamed..
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: possible. but never done. i mean, who really puts it all that effort?
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: considerably tolerant, there's a limit as to one's level of patience.
Consider love a mistake?: oh craps. get me all poetic and wax lyrical about love being pure and true. bullshit.
Like the taste of alcohol?: well u can't say it's the sweetest of all potions. but definitely potent.
Have a favorite candy?: ouh yes. those that come in different colours, shapes and sizes.
Believe in astrology?: i dont believe in it entirely, but it's amusing how they actually sometimes really do foresee things. but u hafta read it at the end of the day.
Believe in magic?: YES! Harry Potter!
Believe in god?: i believe in his presence.
Have any pets: quite a few. they dont actually have to be furry animals, do they? i mean, cute would be sufficient?
Go to or plan to go to college: suffocating, finishing my third year.
Have any piercings?: yes. hence, my obsession for dangly things i can hook on my ears.
Have any tattoos?: no. not....yet? =D
Hate yourself: i dont. i'm absolutely self-appreciative, self-indulgent, self-possessed, self-occupied...
Have an obsession?: shoes. i recently nicked a pair of my aunt's Sergio Rossi's.
Have a secret crush?: didn't i mention 7 earlier? oh. you mean 'secret' crush. maybe another 7.
Have a best friend?: best? as in the ultimate one right at the top of my list? you hafta be kidding me. people who only have ONE 'best' friend must be seclusive.
Wish on stars?: why do i wish on fiery balls of gas? they twinkle? roightttt...

[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: oof. ouch that hurts!
Do you believe in love at first sight?: life aint fairy tales honey. i believe in lust at first sight.
Do you believe in "the one?": "the one" what? "the one" i would shag? "the one" i would marry? "the one" i would lick his balls?? what???!!
Describe your ideal significant other: well he gotta be significant, for starters. then he gotta be fulfilling for a main course. and sinfully delightful for dessert.

[ETC]
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: well there's strip poker...and strip blackjack. and all other stripping drinking games.
Have you ever been intoxicated?: and u mean that by what? or whom?
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": i think so. i can't remember. i prolly have, but maybe...wait a minute. I HAVE!!
Are you a tease?: no. i'm clown. haha. i'm serious person, really.
Shy to make the first move?: normally yes. but under certain circumstances, my inhibitions seem to take a back seat. it enjoys the ride too!

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: a pair of shoes, and a bag. oh. a 'thank you' card.
Ate & Drank: soda & toast. croissants. and a piece of popiah.
Read: yesterday's paper.
Watched on TV: i only glanced at the TV, it was on Oprah.

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: beeeeeerrr. cider taste weird.
drinks or shots: ooo do i hafta choose?
cats or dogs: cats. dogs. eww.
single or taken: single. thank you for asking.
pen or pencil: pen for signatures. pencils for sticking it up annoying people's butts.
gloves or mittens: gloves. lacy ones. hahahha.
food or candy: food is candy. candy is good.
cassette or cd: live shows. like, right in your face, sweaty singing hotties.
coke or pepsi: pepsi is for losers.

[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: i dont really have those kind of urges. i'd kill a cicak though.
get really wasted with: i dont want to. it's not the best of things to do with anyone, for that matter.
look like: ME! well. the prettier me. she's hot. you didn't know?
avoid: annoying people in awkward situations.

[ LAST PERSON YOU.. ]
saw: my mom and daddy.
talked to on the phone: bobby. we didnt really talk. it was more like a 'good night' phonecall.
hugged: my gramma.
messaged: auin. come at eight for the BBQ!
kissed: oh. um. hmm. heh.

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: u mean, have i ever drank perfumes right?
Done drugs?: nah. stayed clean of those.
Broken the law?: federal law? i dont think so.
Run away from home?: noooooooooo.
Broken a bone?: fractured my wrist. yea.
Played Truth Or Dare?: when i was 12. yes.
Kissed someone you didn't know?: yes. tee-hee.
Been in a fight?: when i was 15. bitch fight.
Come close to dying?: i wouldnt be one to judge.

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: messy. really. like really messy.
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: i dont eat breakfast.
Your favorite restaurant?: Khulafa Bistro. hahha. okay okay. Italiannies. and TGI Friday's.
What's on your bedside table?: hm. couple of trophies. a candle stand. my blonde bible. a food container. some files. and a whole lot of junk.
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: cream crackers with condensed milk.
What is your biggest fear?: death. and my mom. hahah!
Describe your bed: exactly how my room is like. messy. with piles of clothes on it. three pillows, and my covers all bundled up.
Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous. like a pop-quiz.
Do you know how to play poker?: poker, chowtaiti. wtv. yeah.
What do you carry with you at all times?: my ass. and brains.
How do you drive?: cautiously at roundabouts. wreckless everywhere else.
What do you miss most about being little?: those little frilly dresses and lacy socks.
Are you happy with your given name?: i used to hate it. but i guess it's alright now.
What color is your bedroom?: fern green. eww.
Have you ever been in a play?: what kinda play? hehehe. err. yes, stage plays. when i was 15 and in high school.
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you: up to a point, they do.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: no. i'm not. okay well. i am. a little bit.

>taken off myspace. goes to show how bored i am. Pash.

Quantum Physics.

2006-07-01T02:07:00.000+08:00

hold on. my math fails me. i shall get this written. soon. a bit of a whirlwind going on up in the brain area.

Signatures.

2006-06-29T22:36:00.000+08:00

we love the people who mean most to us.
we love the people dearest to us.

and how these people end up being so meaningful and dear to us is something no one, and nothing can ever describe in full detail.
nggak ada kata yang bisa ungkapin suatu perasaan atau bagaimana hubungan seseorang itu sama orang lain bisa jadi sesuatu yang amat bermakna lagi butuh dalam hidupnya.

it just happens. even overnight.

that night when 5 girls got together and somehow, it sealed a 'sisterhood' between us.
a night that started out as just us sleeping over for the weekend, because we had a tournament to go to, turned out to be the beginning of a bond that promises to tie us together for as long as we need each other.

we talked about endless things. yeah, normal girl talk and all that. but somewhere in between, we poured out secrets, consoled each other, laughed and poked fun at each other. not to mention grabbing bags of junk food and stuffing ourselves with all that fat. eew. hahaha.

you know, when you have people around you just at their most relaxed selves, in pyjamas, munching grubs, hair up in messy ponytails, sleepy swollen eyes, and ending up sleeping on top of each other...you know you got the best of it right there.

*carves "intan, khairun, mawar, alya." oh. and "pash."*
sisterhood, June 24 2006

Setitik Atau Sebelanga

2006-06-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

i've lost touch with writing. forgive me but these hands do sin. lol. i told you i'm lost. or i've lost it. either way, same difference.

"to celebrate a birthday is to celebrate a year closer to the day you die."

it's eeriely logical. a pessimistic view, but it makes perfect sense. prove me otherwise and i'll start celebrating everyday of my life. because, everyday is a day closer to death.

"if you knew you were going to die at 55. would u be happy to celebrate your birthday every year, knowing that you're only a year less from your death?"

still eerie. still it makes sense.

"blowing out candles on your birthday cake is symbolic to blowing out your life."

imagine blowing out 20 candles. 20 down, 35 more to go?
i'm freaking you out aren't i? i'm freaking myself out.

although some may say what a negative view to have on adding on a year to your age, but it's not entirely ridiculous to put it in that light. to see it a different way from how people normally see it. true, you may say that a year older is a year wiser. but, does being a year older push your destiny further?
it's simple logic. you take a step forward, you get closer to your destination. birthdays are like a step forward. death is the final destination for every life form.

you wanna do the math? i suggest not.
if you're fine, happy and dandy...then enjoy life.
if you're me, chances are you're gonna think of things like this.

>Pash

Keping-kepingan

2006-05-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

i have a beautiful tan, but a scar on my left arm. the result of bumping into the hotel closet drawers because danial fell on me. gah.
i totally love my skin colour as it is now. sangat toffee caramel!

******

mungkinkah kalau perasan benci itu walaupun sudah bertahun lenyap akan wujud kembali?
bukan benci saja, tapi perasaan cemburu yang amat. tapi hanya kerana diingatkan kembali tentang memori lampau.
ah! aku paling tak suka kalau perasaan dikawal oleh perkara remeh begini.
bodoh kali ku rasakan. biarkan aja. masa aku akan tiba juga.

******

things might brighten up for me soon.
i've opportunities knocking at my door that i never would've thought of.
i've dreamt of it, maybe. tapi cuma angan-angan belaka. tak sangka pula hampir akan jadi kenyataan.
maka aku ingin katakan disini, tak salah andai bercita-cita, atau memimpikan impian kita.
who knows, it might come true...or you might stumble upon a chance to fufill that dream.
enak kali rasanya. nikmat dalam jiwa ini yang aku rasakan nggak bisa aku ngucapin dengan kata-kata.

******

i think at this point of my life, i'm slipping in and out of euphoria and a little bit of sadness. there's just too much on my mind. of this and that, and what nots. things that i shouldn't actually be worrying about, plus things that i ought to worry about. it's pretty stressful.

rollercoaster

i love the theme park rides, but not the metaphorical equivalent of violent jerks and sudden movements from ups to downs, that most would swear can cause a cardiac arrest 3 times over.
i just hate being in a position where i'm unsure of things. in a position where i'm at liberty of another's actions, where i'm vulnerable and fragile. and at this point, i think i am being put in that position. although unintentionally, it still does the damage.
can't i have a certain answer, yes. no. what?? but wait, this has been addressed in one of my previous posts. so you see, it's a problem that reoccurs. and one that i've yet to come up with a solution to.
funnily enough, it's a problem i go through quite often actually. *sigh
maybe it's just me. it must be me.

******

apa chances gwe untuk ke Australs dan Worlds tahun ini?
nyerah aja pada Tuhan deh. biar Dia yang tentukan.
usaha gwe kalau dihitung nggak pernah akan cukup.
jadi gwe menyerah aja.

>Pash.

Gwe Pengen...

2006-05-19T02:55:00.000+08:00

dimana ya...cowok itu...?
atau siapa aja...
ku pikirkan kalau cowok itu nggak mungkin akan jadi milik gwe..

gwe pengen ke Bangkok.

Pantai, Laut, dan Pasir

2006-05-18T22:57:00.000+08:00

i just got back from langkawi.
i should start writing, i know.
but really, there's just too much that happened within the span of ten days for me to gather and space out in words and punctuations.
give me a while. at least until i finish the stocks of chocolate and i can really get down to the nitty gritty of the trip.
have mercy on me. my system functions are still numb and running under substance influences.

Matters Don't Matter

2006-05-05T03:47:00.000+08:00

what is it with me this time.
i keep banging my head into things that don't really seem to be in the way.
but they are. to me, at least. *sigh

i went out shopping. again.
yes, like my father has no debts with credit card companies and all our bills are paid for by the godfairy. lol.

i should come with a warning label that says:
"danger. do not leave her in malls unattended."

i spent money i could've saved.
but i spent. it gave me satisfaction, so screw you.
it ain't your cheese i'm melting, it's my dad's.

that's the thing about me that's absolutely wreckless.
leave me at a mall, with no company, no plans, and i come out 6 hours later with bags of stuff. i'm terrible that way. i buy things that i don't absolutely need. i buy things on a whim. i buy things that i like. i buy things that i would otherwise not buy, if i had a friend for company.

so as always, the shopping breakdown:
NOSE kittie heels
YING YANG batik sarong
DEEPER HARDER purple slippers & matching bandanna

oh. i caught a movie too. Failure to Launch. definitely going down in the chick movie list. Sarah Jessica Parker and the dude Matthew. (i don't know how to spell his last name, but he's the hottie in "how to lose a guy in 10 days".)
then i bought an apple crumble cheesecake, and a chocolate banana cake at Secret Recipe. woah.

oh fwuck.
the flight's on Saturday and i haven't packed.
daymmit.

*****

my path seems to cross a lot of those belonging to others.
now what bugs me is, can't my life circles expand instead of seemingly becoming smaller?
can't i be involved with people who i'm not connected to in any way.
can't the people i know not end up already knowing each other.

blameitallonmyspace.

lol.

i'm facing another night of a head full of thoughts but i can't really make them literature. i'm becoming s l o w.

******

been missing him.
terribly.
don't ask. i'm tres depressed.

>Pash

Kalau Apa Terjadi?

2006-05-05T02:37:00.000+08:00

kalau sinar mentari cerah
aku bisa jadi terang hingga membutakan

kalau angin bertiup kuat
aku bisa jadi taufan hingga meributkan

kalau malam itu hitam
aku bisa jadi gelap hingga menyesatkan

kalau bintang itu yang kau mahu capai
aku bisa jadi meteor, terlalu pantas untuk kau kejar

kalau laut itu luas dan tenang
aku bisa jadi ombak bergelora lalu melemaskan

maksud aku jelas
kalau apa yang kau lihat itu bukan apa yang pasti kau dapat

kalau apa yang kau mahu
itu bukan apa yang elok untuk mu

kalau apa yang kau bayangkan
mungkin akan jadi khayalan kau semata-mata

kalau cita-cita itu membina manusia
namun akhirnya andai dengan kekalahan pasti kecewa.

******

Merah ka Blonde?

2006-05-03T18:44:00.000+08:00

ku sangka akan jadi blonde
tapi jadi merah terus
gi mana ya?
harus di tukar nggak hair colour ku ini?
atau biar aja sampai warna nya ilang...

*******

i got my hair did. and it's done.
not the way i wanted it.
not the way i like it.
pfft~

it looks no different from the previous style, except that it's red.
shtupid hairstylist didn't know how to do layers.
i wanted LAYERS! and i got something not even close to layers.
and the colour.
IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!! IT'S NOT!!!

fook. fuccccccckkkkk!!!!

i'd have to keep this for a month at least.
or i'd just dye it all brown again.
i could go for another haircut and get the layers, but i dont want my hair short!
AAaaAAaaAAAaaAAaaRRrrGGgHHHH!!!

i'm mad now.
bodoh.
dah la lembab. potong rambut pun tak reti.
EMPAT JAM AKU DUDUK KAT SITU LA TAK JADI JADI JUGAK!!!!
kepala aku jadi bahan eksperimen kau???
kepala patung tu banyak, kalau tak reti potong... tak payah potong.
menyesal aku bagi kau kepala aku.
ada hati pula nak suruh aku request utk kau for the next appointment.
potong rambut lembab.
apply colour lembab.
cuci rambut aku lembab.
NAK TUNGGU KAU BLOWDRY LAGI!!!!
aku pergi unisex salon nyonya cina lagi bagus la aku rasa.

Slip Slaps Smacks

2006-04-22T02:47:00.000+08:00

i've been out shopping. yey!

*smiles contentedly*

it's been a while since i went out shopping, but i did today.
the whole ish: trains, monorails, cabs, crossing pedestrian walks... the urban street savvy city dweller thing. it's tiring as hell. but then, after so long not walking the streets of KL like i did today, it made me realise how easy it actually is to get from one place to another. the transportation services are just awesome. okay, maybe save the delays, and the huffy commuters...but really, it gets you just about anywhere in KL.

Berjaya TS is such a boring place to go to. but i absolutely love the Mango outlet there.
remind me to go to Debenhams for shoes. they have amazing shoes. *sigh
but we couldnt find anything interesting there. so next stop, Sg Wang.
it's been awhile since i went to Sg Wang. ages, in fact. so yeah, it was like a reunion thing. lol.
after that was Lot 10. now, i'm in love with Birkenstocks. i so need to get me a pair of those.

lunch was at Societe. blek, couldnt eat much but the orange juice was refreshing after a few hours walking around lugging bags of shopping.

alright. now down to the nitty gritty.
the shopping breakdown:

CARVEN suit and pants
CARVEN shirt
Communique shirt
Vincci Ballet Flats
lingerie

yes, that pretty much covers expenses for the day. top to toe spree!
oh, mom managed to get a Braun Buffel bag for 60% less. originally priced at RM569, she got it at a steal of only RM200+.

***
sayang havent texted me in ages. oh okay, couple of days.
but i'm beginning to worry.
and when i worry i become clingy and whiny.
"mana sayang hilang ni...?"

Koko Krunch and Milk

2006-04-21T02:42:00.000+08:00

ah. yes. i'm back again. lol.
as if you missed me. pfft~
as if i even have an audience, save for the few who are closest buddies of mine.
i'm my own audience most of the time. but yes, i'm back.

it's been a rough week.

tonsillitis.

arrrrgghhhh!!! fuck it! i hate that stupid piece of flesh at the back of my throat flaring up just because it can't handle a bit of heat and cold and heat and cold.
stupid. then i can't eat for like a week.
fine. so it did well for my weight, perhaps a couple of kilos down, but I COULDN'T EAT!!!
see, when you're faced with a situation that just prevents you from eating then you realise that you love food and you love it like hell.
i know i did.
watching my mom and dad eat, while i had to struggle to even CHEW the friggin chicken let alone SWALLOW, i thought, heck. eating is a luxury. a bare necessity we hardly even notice in our daily lives, let alone actually appreciate.
and i'm not talking about food, okay. i'm talking about the ACT of EATING itself. that's right.

so i lived on a diet of soft foods and medication for about 4 days.
porridge, porridge, soup, ah! noodles, mashed potatoes...
for four days. eating just that.
delightful. hah. you think????

then, thank GOD. the medication began to kick in, and i could swallow easier.

now, i'm recovered. although not completely, but at least my diet does not just span mush.
the first thing i intend to do once declared fully recovered, is to gobble down pizza and stuff it down as much as i can.
i'm being ravenous. yes.

***

it's been a while. two weeks? yeah. about that.
works's killing him. time and immobility killing me.
so how do we work this one out.
dinners sound nice, but i worry he gets too tired.
weekends are just obscure. i'm booked at home, or hey, he works.
sometimes i dont think the job is really such a good thing you know.
sure, it brings the geez and shytes. but if you're home knackered and you can't really do much else, where's the good there?

maybe it's just me.
i miss him. and everything about him.
he's such a puppy. i adore him completely.

***

a lotta things been happening.
like i can't believe if all this is happening but it is.
i sound like i'm delirious.
my thoughts are just messing themselves up.

that's about it i guess. for the night.
for tonight.

>Pash

Glowing Shades of Amber.

2006-04-05T14:45:00.000+08:00

"whoa...amber is the colour of your energy,

whoa...shades of gold displayed naturally..." - 311, Amber

i'm beginning to be very addicted to the mellow tones of Amber. and the way i'm made out to be Amber. how Amber radiates a warm glow, impossible to ignore but for the admirer to lavishly pour affection and adoration. i'm not addicted to it. i'm in love with it. the admirer. i'm absolutely besotted, and extremely overwhelmed by the emotions it now provokes. i love every bit of it.

my sleeping pattern's been awful lately. bedtime is at 7am. now you figure when my day starts. but wait, i've talked about my sleeping patterns. *sigh. now you know there's nothing much else really bothering me except for sleep. and food. i've not been eating well, or regularly. surviving on a diet of different types of nasi goreng and teh o' ais laici everyday. occasional maggi goreng. and i'm about to puke as i'm typing this. being in college, living the college life, truly sucks. (for want of better word, but i'm really not feeling that articulate right now...)

so travel plans for langkawi has been confirmed. will be flying airasia (god forbid, the parents will sponsor a MAS flight) on the evening of the 6th. which means that my one and only final paper for that day will be postponed to a later date upon arrival from langkawi. whomps.

i'll be looking forward to Asians 2006. because it's langkawi. *smirks, then frowns.

no no...because it's an international tournament and a chance not to be missed.

pray for the well being of my respiratory and digestive systems.

Carves a V

2006-04-01T00:39:00.000+08:00

guess what. tommy got a new friend today, and it's name is Fanny. now Tommy and Fanny can't ever be seperated, they've become soooooo close.
it's been a while since i bought anything for tommy, so he must be happy. i hope he is. well he should be, at least he won't get heated up too much now.

okay so you'll all be wondering who is tommy and why fanny is such a great friend for tommy.
well, tommy kept getting really heated up and his temperature was always high, which is not a good thing. tommy needs to be kept cool most of the time, so i got him Fanny. Fanny does a wonderful job at keeping tommy's degrees down and keeps him ventilated. so now they're inseperable. ever.

you all must think i'm a nut. well go get yourselves a drink or you'll choke. pfft~

The New C & E

2006-04-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

it's funny how things roll exactly the way you want it when you least expect it. how things just seem to fall into place in unison and synchrony, complete perfection. It almost seems like a daydream, to most of us, but to some it really does happen. Alright so you may think I’m becoming a bit delirious, like I’m high on some illegal substance or another. Admittedly, I am. Although this particular matter is far from unlawful. It’s like a state of euphoria! *jumps in glee* *ehem* *regains composure*

so yes. The sun shines brighter, the skies are clearer, the winds blow a merrier breeze. Haha. I’m sounding like a British author who writes corny love stories about messed up humans, their lives intertwined with fairy mischief, and hopeless romantics. (fine, fine…so I do read those books. Pfft~)

okay, so let’s look at 2006 so far. I’m not sure I’d remember each bit but the ones I’m about to tell are those plastered semi-permanently on the walls of my memory. For now, at least. Then they’d either be permanently etched, or carelessly smudged off.

……I figured that to tell you a blow by blow account of January to March is a bit much……so I’ve changed my mind. Gaaah!

The current state of mind is bliss. Complete and utter delight. You could see the glow radiating, it’s as if someone had taken a gold glitter pen and drew an outline around my head, like an aura, except with stars and smiley faces and little bunny rabbits hopping around. Ew. I hate the bunny rabbits part. Scratch that.

By now, you’d probably be wondering why I’m not just getting to it, let the cat out of the bag, say it out loud, and GET IT OVER WITH!! Well, I won’t. I don’t want to. It’s the ego the size of a full moon. Blah! Or maybe I’m just being shy about it. *flushes pink*

Fine fine. So my rants aren’t exactly taking us anywhere, except that it’s doing a good job telling you that I’ve probably gone bonkers. Try the drugs I’m on, you’d feel the same I’m sure. But I won’t share, you’ve to go get your own. Have you ever been told by the doctor that medication is personal?? It’s prescribed specifically for the person that it’s intended for. So shoo! Go get your own tonic.

Nocturnal Nail Biter.

2006-03-24T03:40:00.000+08:00

my days start at mid-day, earliest. i retire when the rest of the country is just about to stir their morning coffees. so my sleeping pattern's been completely off lately. breakfast is at 4pm. lunch at 8pm, dinner is anytime when i feel hungry. meals aren't exactly proper either. half a packet of Digestives with Cadbury's hot chocolate, or iced lychee tea with roti bakar, or something un-filling such as those.

"this is Mc Bom Bom Bwoi....yada-yada-yada...." Too Phat, Run.

i've taken to biting my nails again. ugh. now i've ugly fingers as well as nails. short stubby fingers with short stubby bitten nails. eww. i swear it's the stress. will it take another month for me to recover the lost nails that i've bitten in vain...*sigh
i hate biting my nails really. but sometimes it's something i do unconciously. like the next thing i know, i've really ugly nails. then i don't even try to hide them. but why should i. but i should.

i should have a 7-eleven at my beck and call. so i'd just grab a can of Vanilla Coke when i want one. or even a tub of Ben & Jerry's. or Chips Ahoy!.
i'm such a prat. i'm a total prat.

deeply misses pash's vampire-cub-puppy pet. it's caramel brown, unbelievably charming for a vampire, and has talent for stringing words together. have you seen him?

>Pash

Old Girl. New Dark Lane.

2006-03-21T05:46:00.000+08:00

what it feels like to be reminded of old times makes you wish your brain could have a "Ctrl-Alt-Del" function.
how you're able to remember something you've pushed aside for so long, with just a tiny bit of memory, and then it reacts like hypertext links. taking you from one time to another, one picture to another, one thing to another. it's true that the best computers made were the earliest. The Human Brain.

you can't ever forget. perhaps you'll not remember as much. but a piece of it's still there. and that piece fits the puzzle to reveal the whole picture.

***

i see myself, standing alone. with both hands by my side, idly fiddling the hem of my shirt. in the middle of a very empty lane. the road's wet. streetlight's flickering, almost dead but not quite. the occasional glances over my shoulder. i'm still alone.

***

kalau kau tak sekuat itu
kau tak akan berdiri
teguh sehingga hari ini
kau kira hari-hari
setiap saat yang kau lepasi
itu lah daya yang kau ada
pada hati
pada jiwa
walau sesekali
mungkin kau teringat kembali
mungkin kau kesali
memori itu tak akan lari
tapi kau berada di sini
pada waktu ini
dan pada waktu yang akan datang lagi
waktu ini yang patut kau capai
demi hari ini
demi hari-hari nanti.

***

call the paramedics. tell them to bring me crates of mars bars and vanilla scented oxygen.
i've a sudden craving for everything chocolate and brown.
smooth flowing stuff to make me feel good.
includes ice cream, butterscotch topped and chocolate sprinkles.
oh and a certain some one who best comes close to all of the above.
make my day....better yet. make my days.
*cuddles pillow wishing it was my favourite non-bloodsucking vampire

could it be possible to be mildly addicted to infatuation-inducing elements?
mildly? pfft~
the amount's colossal!
the whole jitter-flutter-melted butter-wiggle-jiggle.
popping corns and flying fish fries frying.

now i'm just sounding like i've totally lost it.
but i haven't. it's still there. screwed tight. well...not so tight.
i'm letting it loose day by day.

like i've predicted, 2006 is, as of now, going awesome.

>Pash

Spins a Verse

2006-03-12T05:20:00.000+08:00

it's been a month or so since i last posted anything up here? really.
super duper busy bee me. school's really taxing. socials even more so.

so there must be a lot to write and talk about since a month's a long time and might constitute a whole season of a soap opera. roight.
but it's me, my life we're talking about here. i doubt it'll make three episodes let alone a whole friggin season aye.

of late we've been thinking about a whole lot of stuff. (why do i feel as if i'm not getting my point across as well as i would like to...)

see, the thing is, i've lost touch with writing since i've stopped for a long while. and now that i've decided to plonk myself down in front of Tommy and tap on his keys, i find it a bit awkward.

but then sometimes we'd like to know why we even make the effort. why we'd spend so much, and give up so much for something that's not entirely guaranteed to be ours. and why is it just an innate part of being human that we find ourselves competing against one and the other for the same thing. it could be anything: fortune, recognition, affection.

so yes. my pointless ramblings brings us to nowhere, obviously. if i had a point to make i'd have made it already. but that's just it. next week might see Pash The Sexy work it out on a futsal pitch. lol. actually, i'm looking forward to watching the boys play. but if Pash plays, and it means getting noticed by the boys...why not? *grins*

Pash is pretty messed up as always. has something to say but can never get down to saying it. only because Pash's brains lack the dexterity it once possessed. now i've to rediscover that lost magnificence.

The Sexy shall return. not less sexy. never less sexy.

>Pash

Semua Kalau Ada Kamu

2006-02-01T01:49:00.000+08:00

okay so i didn't write on sunday.
but i didn't promise, i just said i would right.
i'm writing now aren't i? pfft~

Arau Open is this weekend.
i'ma kick some sweet ass this time around.
but i doubt it. i'm not in shape.
i'm ugly!!! aaarrghhh!!
i'd be lucky if i break, but that really depends on who my teamies are going to be. coz i know one thing sure, i'm going to SUCK. literally. i'll be sucking on my teamies intelligence. parasitic teamwork. hah.

anyways.
things happen in a gyals daily life mahn. the gyals wanna rub up on some duckies but the duckies turn to be rubber mahn.
right. that's pash, of late i've been weaving in and out of multiple personalities. but only God knows how and why i keep it up.
it keeps me amused, for one. as i don't currently have a resident clown to entertain me and my whims. where's a boyfriend when a girl needs one? when a girl really needs one? *sigh

pash has been utterly interested in horoscopes. for the fun of it. matching mine with non-existent significant others. otherwise known as, potential hopefuls? naahh...
*sings "just my imagination, just my imagination..." by the cranberries.*

pash has discovered oh-so-suddenly that she's is a very loyal person. lol.
as put by a friend, "setia habissssss"
i didn't know i could be? i could? woaahhh...

you know this is becoming very pointless.
i don't know what the objective of my ramblings are tonight.
i can't figure head or tail of what's going on here.
and how all this is even remotely related to the title i posted.
you figure. i'm messed up as always.

>Pash The Sexy

Uhh.

2006-01-22T15:11:00.000+08:00

i'll write. tonight.
i just need to gather my thoughts.

Selamat Tahun Baru

2006-01-07T02:08:00.000+08:00

Happy 2006!

it's been a while since i've blogged so macam taktau apa nak type. hahaha.
berterabur pula rasa. no idea, no structure, no nothing. but i felt like i had to post one to start off the year right.. *taps fingers on wrist pads*

i welcomed the year quitely at home. yes. i was at home. gelak la, kesian la, suka hati la.
but it came with an excitement i couldn't contain, anticipation for a great year, and motivation to live 2006 to it's peak.

i know i shouldn't really believe horoscopes and all that, but it predicted such an irresistable array of events, i just couldn't help but feel as if 2006 is definitely going to be hot.
my first week in 2006 has been awesome already, so yes, i can't wait for what's next.
although perhaps my joy could be short lived but hey, a girl can be optimistic yes?

alright. since i don't really have much to say yet, i'ma chill and ride the clouds.

>Pash

Myspace Questionnaires.

2005-12-26T04:50:00.000+08:00

1.The last movie you watched?__"the chronicles or narnia, the witch, the lion and the wardrobe" (sebut dgn gah sekali)

2. The last tv show you watched?__the naked chef. he wasn't naked okay and i dont want to see him cooking with no clothes on. unhygienic giler.

3. The last song you heard?__what's on my winamp. basically like 700+ songs. but yeah, specifics: Sade - The Sweetest Taboo

4. The last thing you bought?__a pair of shades. i'm so plastic, but it's so fun trying it on, even more fun paying for it.

5. The last place you went to?__my bathroom? does that count? oh you mean went out....i went to sunway pyramid. u know, that place with the lion's head?? yeah...the eyes light up at night.

6. The last food you ate?__nasi goreng daging merah. and chocolate cake. and an apple. fruits are good for your digestion u know.

7. The last thing you heard from your parents?__mom: "eh pergi buat kopi. then bring the biskot cream crackers for me."__dad: "tukar la channel. apa tengok elton john ni."

8. The last thing you said to your parents?__to mom: "mmphhff."__to dad: "nah la remote."

9. The last thing you said to one of your friends__"kalau bisa gwe jadi cewek dia gwe adalah yang paling bahgia kok" hahhaha..fantasies la oy. like yea, roight~

10. The last book you read?__book? e-book boleh? i'm so tech savvy. lol. anyway, i havent been reading much. been too busy being blonde. (rolls with laughter)

Who was:

1. The last person you called?__balan. sebab i missed his call. so i called him back. baik kan pasha ni. *grins*

2. The last person who called you?__shidot. after an emergency distress sms i sent her. damn i always feel better after talking to shidot. first half hour i was depressed in tears, then the next half hour i was laughing my ass off talking about what dumb fucks some guys are when they're oblivious and seemingly blind.

3. The last person you texted?__shidot. the distress sms...remember.

4. The last person who texted you?__shidot. the reply to my distress sms....

5. The last person who said good night last night?__last night? hurm...siapa. no one? hahaha...what's a good night for anyway. i sleep at 4am.

6. The last person who said I like you?__err..hehe. ada la orang tu. tapi kan. malu seh. wait a minute. sejak bila ada orang 'likes' me?? huh?? huh??!! nobody likes me, everybody hates me. ahaha~

7. The last person who gave you a comment?__lupa dowh. i think it's aremint. or nas. or....hurm..i read through them but i dont remember exactly who was last. okay.

8. The last person who sent u a msg in myspace?__putri. hehe. what was it about now. oh...something like about school and term and shyte.

9. The last person you hugged?__hug. daddy.__bug. beetle. the car.__tug. o-war.__rug. persian__dug. a hole. up yours.__mug. supersize for hot chocolate.__jug. water.

10. The last person you saw on tv?__robbie williams. oh no. elton john. oh. hurm.

Do You?

1. Do you believe that love is forever?__love is for awhile only la. then whatever that's after that is mutual understanding, respect, sense of responsibilty, belonging, companionship. i'm realistic. ideals are just idealistic ideas.

2. Do you get hurt by people easily?__yes i do. pash is not that tough after all. and i might be so paranoid and hurt myself thinking that that person hurt me padahal orang tu taktau apa2 pun. tapi i je emo lebih. lol.gila ke apa? pash is not so duhhh~ but yeah, vulnerable giler.

3. Do you believe that all people are generally good?__generally? of course. semua orang baik la sebenarnya. even underneath all that bitchy egoistic cocky attitudes, full of shit liars, insensitive closet homosexuals, hypocrites and all that. semua orang baik la.

5. Do mean people make you sad?__no lah. they make the mean side of me meaner. trust me, mean people get to see the mean me. so if u think i'm being mean to you then something must be triggering it. but i'm mean anyways. totally.

6. Does ice cream make you happy?__it makes me believe that dairy can come in various flavours and brands, with various toppings, and types of cones: wafer, sugar, waffle. caramel, toffee, butterscotch. sprinkles: chocolate, rainbow. raisins, nuts. haagen dazs. ben and jerry's new york super fudge chunk.

7. Do you sing in the shower?__i sing when there's a mic and no one looking. lol. i mandi in the shower la ngok. wash my hair in the shower. scrub my knees in the shower. brush my teeth while in the shower too, hehe, lazy la to stand at the sink.

8. When it rains, do you like to splash in the puddles?__when it rains, i like to smell the scent of rain. and get wet in the rain. puddles are for my little cousins to jump around in. i play out in the open. get soaked.

9. If you see a cute guy/girl walk down the street,do you smile and tell him/her that he/she is cute?__u're talking cute guy/girl like he or she is 5 right? okay, 8 yrs max. either way, i won't. so what if he/she is cute. you think i'm going to do the world a favour and boost their ego? tak payah.

10. Do you notice when people have beautiful eyes?__i notice it more when i have beautiful eyes. haha. beautiful eyes....beautiful eyes, eh. most people i know have normal eyes. that's good enough innit?

11. Have you ever cried watching a movie?__omg. when the soul of Cedric Diggory told Harry to take his body back to his father. CEDRIC DIED!! *sob*sob*

12. Is it cute when old people are holding hands?__since when did old become cute weh? you sick people.

13. Are you a happy person?__happy? am i happy? do u really think i am a happy person?? of course i'm happy!!! what do you think??!!! huh? huh!!!

14. Do you tend not to worry even when you know something bad is about to happen?__oh god. talk about denial. i've been ignoring red lights since i was in high school. i'd rather go redah je then get into trouble later. worth it. at least i did what i wanted to. can't be too careful la..those are for the goody types. anak mithali and all. pfft~

15. Is it fine to cut the barbie's hair?__if you're aspiring to be Winnie Loo, sure. cut lah. but don't u dare come near mine with a scissors. i swear i'll slam your head down on a chopping board and cut your hair off with a chopper!!!

16. Have you ever laughed so hard that your stomach hurt?__i pernah gelak so gila, i was on the armchair, then i went down to the floor, then i rolled around clutching my sides, then i sat up and slapped the floor, then if i was eating i'd be choking on my food, my face would be almost purple, and then i'd get on the armchair again, then i'd have both my legs up on the arm rest, then i'd be kicking the air...then i'd.. u really want me to go on?

18. Are you slightly lazy?__very lazy. lazy giler. sangat lazy. pemalas like a princess. tuan puteri kat rumah tak boleh angkat jari buat apa pun. kalau suruh jugak muka jadi macam muka kurang ajar gila. haa. nak cakap apa sekarang.

19. Do you like to drive with the windows down?__i don't drive la. haha. i'd drive with the windows down if ada passenger yang membakar tembakau la. takkan nak tercekik asap bodow ke apa. i'd rather be the first hand smoker, it's more satisfying. *inhaleeeeeee*absorb the tar*exhaleeeeee*

20. Are you in love?__what's that? in love? no mahn. i'm in my room. in my pajamas. in a mild state of depression. in a constant turbulance of mixed emotions. in disarray. in a mess. in a rut. in a shithole. in feelings of dissappointment. in a mass of tangled wires. in a place where i can only imagine everything falls into place just the way i want it. in denial. in total and absolute stupidity.

********
ah that was fun innit. should get more of this things to do.and actually, i took like half an hour to do this.

>Pash.

*psst: perasan tak number 4 and 17 of the third part tak ada? not intentionally. i pun baru perasan.

Pada Aku dan Kamu

2005-12-26T03:47:00.000+08:00

aku cuba lihat dimatamu
kalau ada bayangan wajahku
dan dalam pandangan itu
aku lihat kalau ada sinar cinta itu

apa yang ku cari ku nantikan ia
dalam senyumanmu
untuk kembalikan aku pada rasa
senang yang ada dihatiku

dalam pegangan tangan aku dan kamu
jika ada cita-cita yang terindah
mungkinkah dapat dikecapi angan-angan ku
jejaki langkah bersama kamu

dan yang teristimewa bagi ku
jika ku lihat di wajahmu ada aku
dan dalam jiwaku hanya ada kamu.

**********

sometimes mother tounge speaks more fluently.
i love how language plays so much in reflecting emotions.

>Pash.

Impatient. and so Stupid.

2005-12-24T02:53:00.000+08:00

okay okay so i said i won't write till January but i really can't wait. i've had loads on my mind but the funny thing is now that i settle to putting it down i forget everything.
well not really forget, but everything's just such a jumbled mess, i can't really organise which to put down first. let's do this slowly, backtrack and retrace my mind steps to where it went and was heading.

i've really a very short memory span. i forget things, it just slips. i can be eating an apple one second, then i put it down on the table to get something, then i move on doing something else, and then when i pass the fruit basket and reach out for an apple i remember i left a half eaten one on the table. now i have to go find which table. *rolls eyes*

i was washing the dishes, looking out through the curtains to the road outside and i was thinking of something really controversial and awesome to write it up here but i don't remember what it was all about. i need raisins. orang tua-tua kata makan kismis boleh kuatkan ingatan. i do wonder how though. those little pieces of shrivelled grapes. better off in fruitcakes, or muffins. mom made a bunch of hazelnut cupcakes. i've been feeding on those things ever since.

i miss my old school friends and school. i miss buying 50 sen nasi lemak with sambal lebih. i miss all the bitching gossips at recess. i miss stuffing myself with chocolates from the koperasi. i miss my school uniform. i miss wearing my Reebok Classic to school. i miss bringing hot chocolate in a flask and tempting everyone around me with the delicious scent of chocolate everytime i take a sip during morning add math class. i miss skipping classes (why miss school then, you say?). for the fun and thrill of not getting caught. i was always getting myself plonked down in the uncomfortable chair of the Guru Kanan Hal Ehwal Murid's office. then sign the borang pengakuan kesalahan. i wonder how many of those i've managed to collect. i miss school so much that i don't remember how it looks like anymore. not in detail, at least.

see this is what happens when i forget what is it really that i wanted to write down. i start to babble about whatever that comes to mind.

i am listening to songs i haven't really listened to before this. like Anggun, Joss Stone, India Arie. it's weird you might think, but i like these jazz/soul songs are soothing to listen to. seriously, beyonce's not the only one with great vocals. and everything you hear on the Top 40 becomes boring and monotonous after a short while. a change in music tastes is good. gives the senses a different stimuli.

this is getting no where. i'm badgering on and on in the hopes of finally maybe that piece of memory would appear before me and i could actually write about that thing i was thinking about. but it's not coming. so there would be nothing else substantial for me to write except for things i did today and of other examples of my seemingly persistent short memory.

i'd do myself a favour and not worry too much about that lost bit of thought. trains are always on a track, they go forth and only back unless they crash or derail.

>Pash Rahim 241205

Degradation of Women (??)

2005-12-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

listening to BEP's "My Humps", someone said it's a song degrading women. i wonder why though..is it because of it's provocative lyrics? or the way women's assets are lovingly addressed as 'humps'? i think otherwise. i say it's empowering. make a man drunk of a lady's humps. that's something to talk about. by the sheer feminity of womanhood, gets man on their feet and toes and at our back and call. how can that be degrading? power to the humps!

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

with new years' around the corner, everyone's in a festive mood. christmas and all it being. but what's there exactly to celebrate? it's just another excuse for capitalism to rear it's horns head on into excitement and rush people into obliging their consumerist selves.
ahh..but what a great occasion as an excuse. obliterate the remaining bits of last year as we dive into another year, in the guise of a new beginning. resolutions made, never met. the very practice of sending off the year in style and drunkeness, and it's the very same thing that welcomes the much awaited 'brand new year' of 'brand new things'. yeah roight~

how ironic. how most of us resolve to start off fresh for the new year, we actually end up with a hangover on the very first day of the beginning. first resolution dashed. strike one. hah! what's the use. it's never a beginning, we get closer to the ending with every new start.
the start of a new chapter brings you closer to the ending right? that's how it works in life, precisely. some of us live up to have 70 or 80 chapters. some only has 40 or so... but some don't even get past the first few pages. their stories were so short.

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shall continue when there's more. i'll return come January.

>Pash Rahim 131205

Eighteen.

2005-12-03T01:30:00.000+08:00

E I G H T.
i love spelling eight. when i was in kindergarten and learning to spell numbers, eight was my favourite. maybe because it sounds nice. ee-aye-jee-etch-tee. eight. hehe~

what significance does being eighteen give me? i don't feel very much different now than i did a year ago when i turned 17.
fine, so if i was asked for my ID at Planet Hollywood's Sunday Nite Live, i'll pass. but i went last year and i passed anyway. my friend who was 19 at that time was asked to show her ID. hah!

sheesh. okay so i went out for lunch and a movie on my birthday. finally got to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. read the translated subtitles, "Harry Potter dan Gelas Berapi". i burst out laughing. the movie was not bad and oh, CEDRIC IS HAWT! HOT! sszzttt~
but i don't have Mike Newell in my good books for directing Harry Potter 4. he did a sloppy job. there were tonnes of loopholes in the movie and the whole story just didn't really flow all that well. but the CGI were amazing. totally realistic, although you know it's not real. the background were a tad bit still, like the castle grounds when Harry was being chased by the Hungarian Horntail. i also hated that Ron's and Hermione's character wasn't given much depth. Cho could have had more involvement, say bumping into Harry, or Harry daydreaming about Cho. something. all in all i'd say the whole movie was very rushed. i liked it because it was a Harry Potter movie, but i didn't really like it as a movie. i might add again that, CEDRIC IS HOT!

oh yes, let's talk about lunch.
Italiannies is awesome! they have the best pepperoni pizza ever! and their minestrone soup is simply mouth-watering. SEDAP GHILLER! i love their drinks, although i didn't try their cocktails. their slushies were soooooo sedaappp! omg. i must say, i hereby declare the Tiramisu at Italiannies is TO DIE FOR. i wouldn't eat two days to lose the fat i gained eating that sinful Tiramisu. and yes, i mean sinful. liquer makes so much difference between a Good and a Beyond slice of Tiramisu.
Carina told the big manager dude that it was my birthday so he had the crew sing me a birthday song. but before that, i had to stand on the chair. STAND ON THE CHAIR! and make a speech using the bottle of olive oil for a mic. great. and as i stood, the old chandelier just came to my head. thank god i didn't hit it. or it didn't hit me. either way..haha.. but the best part was that because i had allowed to be subjected to a bit of fun, i had the said sinful Tiramisu on the house! awesome! and it was so worth it. it really isn't that bad standing on a chair, at least you get everyone else's attention for what that 5 minutes of 'fame' was worth.

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i got myself a pair of MNG shades. haha~ so typical. but it was sooooo cheap! i mean, 79 bucks for a pair of MNG shades is cheap okay. as far as my knowledge of eyewear prices go, a Gucci or Guess can cost at least RM600, a Dior is RM1000+, and a Ferragamo will put a RM1200 dent in your leather purse. MNG shades are a steal! sorry but i've never bought shades at MNG before, nor have i bothered even to check. but i saw the one that i bought, it fitted perfectly so i bought it on the spot. *grins*

i would have gone shoe shopping as well. but we were strapped for time. we were already late for the movie when i was buying the shades. and topshop has this awesome dress. i so have to buy it. next time around, next time around..

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i'm looking forward to my next outing. my next night out. and my first Peach Bellini. i've been dying to get one since forever. oh, tell me when it's January.

Rapists and Dictators

2005-11-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

i've always wondered why it is so hard for victims of rape and abuse to file a report to the authorities, especially when it involves incest. it has always been an issue of debate on why these cases are often left unreported until far too long. some say it may bring shame onto the families, some feel it may be because of a victim's fear for the perpetrator. but some may think it's too petty to be made a big deal of.
while all of us outside of that ordeal, may shudder at such an outrageous incident, cry foul over the perpetrator, express utmost horror, and want justice be done, the simple fact remains that in the minds of the victim, the perpetrator is still family. and blood runs deeper than anything else. it's too complicated a matter to deal with mere laws and constitutions. when emotions are involved, it goes beyond that.

~v~^~v~^~v~^~v~

to think of living almost 18 years of my life in foul words, bitterness and spite.
to think i grew up in this environment and would it make me foul, bitter, and spiteful?
for every word of disgust thrown at me, for every lash of a leather belt that hit me, for every clothes hanger that broke in two when it hit my body, for every moment that made me unwelcome. i've pulled through, i've grown through it, i'm here and standing where i am.
but for every smile you see, for every laugh you hear, the amount of pain i've endured doubles that. i didn't suffer through it. at no point of it had i ever really suffered, i endured it.
suffering was what i never experienced. though persevered through a lot, i certainly have.

patience is something i have taken for granted. i've been patient for most of my 18 years of life. i'm not one to resort to drastic measures and actions. i'm not one to aimlessly fight back. i'm not one to kick and scream to make myself heard. but does it make me weak? i've never felt stronger. i've never felt more power raging inside me. but i douse it with sheer patience. the time will come, i shall walk out of this with my head well on my shoulders, while leaving every speck of dirt behind.

much as i am firm and defensive of other things, arguing to justify my own believes and principles, i am timid, docile, and afraid to stand up to one person. not because i can't, but because i do not dare. i've never dared. because with every action i take, a bigger wrath awaits. a wrath that i dread to provoke. but then again, it is a wrath that needs no provocation.

of late, this source of anger has been irrational. she lashes out at every seeming opportunity. one where i can't figure what i might have done to invoke such madness. but i've done nothing wrong. and even if i had, it might as well have been an affair very much over and done with.
yet, this foul mouth chooses to recount every past mistake and error with the flavour of spiteness more cutting that a razor. for a person who claims to be so pious and pure of heart, she seems to me to be the foulest of all. God, for one, i am sure would not have been in the least pleased with this impromptu show of verbal insults. if there is a word more provocative than "insult" i would use it with a flair.

all these, uttered from the lips of the woman who supposedly helped bring me to life. it is not her who gave me life, for ultimately it is God to whom i owe my breaths. but for God to have chosen her to be my carrier, there must be something he wanted in return. for me to have lived almost 18 years in her hands, i feel as if it has done much injustice to the life i have been given.
i can only be thankful, that i am every inch so much different from her than i can ever be.
i can't bare the thought of being the next living example of her outrage. foul and spiteful as it is.

in my world, there is only myself, my father, my friends, and my brother.
in my life, there are many others whom i do not have the liberty of choosing which. she is one of them, with only a tinge of regret.

i hold tight to the words of my father, "do not be like her when you grow up."
i know what he means. i live everyday while i hold dear to my father's words. i am as every bit proud of being as much like my father as i can.
a man of rationale, a man of patience and wisdom. a man of kindness. a man who is only proud when it is deserving.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

no one really understands why i want to finish school, graduate and get a job as soon as i can. all of them told me to take my time, have fun while i'm still at it. pfft! roight~

there has never been any other moment when i see what i want, clearer than i see it now.
i have my own goals to score. to kick that ball right in between those goal posts.
i see myself standing where i want myself to be in the future. i know why i want this so much. for myself. it's so i can get away from pain, for most parts of my life.
so i could live the way i want, i don't have to be under the rule of a dictatorship maternal style.

my life does not imprison me. this is not jail. it's a f*cking Taliban state.
and the assasination of a dictator is for a greater good.

Fishes and the Ocean

2005-11-29T01:13:00.001+08:00

fishing...err..

i have to constantly remind myself of what i'm going to write. because what i do is that normally, i've thought about what i'm going to write and then settle down to write it. but the thing is sometimes the thought doesn't hold fast to my memory and it slips so i have to step back and retrace that bit. *sigh* just too much on my mind sometimes.

i can only remember fishing. oh yes, and an engagement. okay i'm back. here we go.

old memories were refreshed when i was at my uncles house recently. he and my dad had somehow gotten into a conversation about fishes and fishing. literally, okay. no hanky-panky. so then he got out all his precious fishing gear and tackle box. damn. hardcore fishing enthusiast! there are certain tactics to fish, i've learnt. different types of reels, rods, and strings.
my uncle was telling us how he caught a few Siakap. oh, then i remembered the time i went fishing with my dad and his friend. it was boring at first, none of us got anything. after a while, my dad got one, his friend got one. i still had an empty pail. then by luck, i got one! yes, me. i was about 10 or 11 at that time. and it was a whopping 2.1kg Siakap. hah! i can catch fish.
listening to my uncle and dad tell fishing stories made me feel like i'd want to go out on another fishing trip soon. my uncle said he'd like to take me and my brother out fishing one day. awesome! a whole day out in the sun, on a boat in the middle of the sea. i can almost smell salt and seawater. i live just 5 minutes away from the sea and yet, i hardly go to the beach.
i'll wait for the fishing trip. quality time with my dad doing what we like.

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engagement.

my uncle's nephew got engaged recently. he's only 24 and had started work only a few months. i wonder why get engaged at a very young age. no wait. that wasn't what i was wondering about actually. it was more of the length of time these two people have known each other.
5 years. since he was 19! and now he's 24 and they're engaged! phooey.

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ocean vacation.

my infatuation with the sea goes deeper than the cliched "sun, sea, sand".
it's the mere vastness of the ocean, how it never seems to end, how it goes right to the edge of the horizon and you know there's more beyond.
the sea can be a body of calm and soothing water, but at a twist of fate, nature turns itself around and the oceans become devastating. the little waves you used to run after turns to engulf a whole town and leaves it wrecked.
the same ocean that gives fisherman their pay, turns upon them and chokes them in a storm.
the whole idea that something beyond beautiful can be as deadly as God demands it to be.

i hate my writing style today.

Svidish Times

2005-11-24T16:05:00.000+08:00

ah. i had another day out shopping yesterday, but no blisters this time. i didn't spend any of my own money, or if i did, it wasn't enough for even half a blister to form. heheh~ (remember: a blister for every hundred that i spend)

purchase breakdown:
1) GLANSA lights
2) GLIS boxes
3) CLIPS frames

i got mom to pay for some things i wanted. should be good, for the time being. my birthday's coming soon so i thought i'd have my birthday requests met then. a zen neeon would be nice. that's what i can think of at the moment, besides a marc ecko watch but not so much of the watch really.

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i've a certain liking towards snakes. yes, shivers run through my bones but i'm fascinated by them. can i have one for a pet? a baby milk snake will do. i'd love to have a python but full grown one costs RM23k. hehe. yes, i see you frown.

nothing really interesting going on at the moment. i'm planning my 18th. catch more words to lock down as we come nearer to deadline.